Life After the Storm novel Chapter 29

IVAN'S POV

What have I done to my mate, I am a monster? I needed her to hate me, so it would be easier for me when I marry. Instead, I made it worse by hurting her. I will never be able to forgive myself for what I have done to her. I know that she pushed and pushed until I reacted. She just wouldn't stop. I wanted to make her pay for ruining everything. I could have controlled my wolf, but instead I wanted to hurt her. She felt pain, so I left him to take control and take what he wanted, knowing I wanted the same thing.

I wanted to punish her for defining me. I'm so angry I never wanted her in the first place. Why did she have to come along? I lied to her, and I told her that she was my third mate, knowing I've never had a mate until now. I have given up all hope and then there she comes along, I hate her for it. I had a plan, and she ruined it.

I can feel her pain because of what I have done, and it makes me feel even more rage. I want to apologize for what I have done. I will not show her any sympathy. If I show her any kind of vulnerability she will be able to take advantage of my weakness. I will not allow that to happen. I need to stay in control and figure this out.

Damn it she is taking off I should have known that she would try to run, that is what she always does. I hate that she is defining me once again. Hating that I now have to run after her, I make my way to the door and shift to run after her. I don't know why she thinks she can escape me. When I see her at the cliff I know she doesn't have the guts to jump. She is weak, a poor excuse of a wolf. I mind link her telling her there is nowhere for her to go that I won't find her.

She then shifts into her human I think that she has given up but then she does the unthinkable and jumps off the cliff. I try to reach her, but I am too late. She is gone. I stand over the cliff as I feel our connection break. I drop to my knees, it feels as if my heart is being ripped from my chest. I feel all the emotions at once as I realize that my beautiful mate has killed herself. What have I done, I broke her to the point of her killing herself?

As I fill up with rage, wondering what kind of monster I am. I drove my own mate to kill herself. Knowing that she deserved so much better than what I gave her. All I wanted was power. I did not care about anything else. I was even willing to sacrifice my own mate to gain power. What kind of alpha does that make me?

When I lost the connection with her, I knew there was no way of her surviving, I searched for her body, but I never found her knowing it must have been washed away by the falls. She was unknown by most, so there was no need to explain her disappearance. It was like she never existed. My brother was the only other person who knew, as he was in the woods and saw everything that happened. He won't speak to me or even look at me, for that matter. I don't blame him, I am a monster.

As the days passed since my mate is gone, my life has no meaning. I've been abandoning my alpha duties. I know that I need to get control of myself. But I am somewhat lost, I don't know how to get it back to who I was. I'm struggling with what all has happened. I want to forget about it, I just don't know how. 

I meet my bride to be today but all I feel is anger knowing that she is the cause of me losing my mate. It is her felt the way I treated my mate. I should have told my parents the truth about meeting my mate, instead I lied to gain control of two territories. Greed took over me, I deserve whatever pain comes my way and I know this.

As I bury myself in Alpha duties that I have been putting on hold but now needs my action. My mind is somewhere else,, but I'm trying to concentrate as much as I can. I know I need to stop this nonsense of being weak and take back control of my life.

My Beta approached me even though he is my brother. He does his duties but doesn't show any kind of emotion toward me, it is like he is a robot around me. "Sir your bride is here and is ready to meet you, she is a firecracker, Sir."

"Thank you, Sam, I will be out, please lead her to the dining area and I will be right there."

I don't need to add on more stress that I'm already under, damn it. Why this today I want to avoid dealing with her. I have so much work that needs to be done. I have no time to get everything that needs to be done. Let alone entertain a little spoiled she wolf. That I need to marry to gain control of her pack. Because of her father growing old he has a son, but he left to be the alpha of his mate's pack. So now he wants a powerful wolf to take care of his pack.

I hear commotion out of my office Door I go to stand to look to see what is happening. That is when I see her, my soon to be bride yelling at my Beta, walking towards me.

She looks at me, but she seems so baffled, "can we please talk right now? I did not want to wait. Can I, please have some of your time."?

I motioned for her to come in, I prefer not to talk to her, but I don't have a choice. If she is going to be my wife, I need to show her some kind of respect. The respect I should have shown my own mate, but that is too late now.

"Look, Alpha Ivan, I do not want to marry you. My father is forcing me to, and it's not fair I shouldn't have to, please don't go through with this marriage and try to come up with another way that doesn't involve this. We deserve to find our true mates."

I look at her, surprised that my impression of her was totally wrong. "What do you expect me to do, your father is a very determined man, and he wants this wedding to happen. There really isn't any other way if you can find one, please tell me?"

"Why do we need to be married for you to be the Alpha of both packs, why can't you just become Alpha without a wife?"

"If that happens, your father's bloodline will be no longer be in his pack."

"Our child would not be a true Alpha because we are not true mates. Our child would be a weak Alpha that could get your pack killed."

"We will just have to figure that out with the time comes."

"No, I don't want to be your wife."

"Then come up with a plan for you to get yourself out of it."

"Fine, I will, I'm not staying here until need be, so I will be leaving."

"That's fine, do as you wish. I will have my Beta to stay with you so you 're protected."

As I call for my brother, I can see that he has an irritated expression on his face but following his Beta role. "Please stay with her for protection while she is out."

"Fine."

As I watched them leave, I'm relieved not wanting to be bothered, hoping she can find a way out of this marriage, so I never have to be bothered by her ever again. I can't find it in myself to care, to even help her figure out a way to make her happy. I don't care if she is happy, her happiness doesn't matter to me.

I'm lost in my grief over losing a mate that I never showed any kind of affection towards, hating myself for it. Wondering how life would have been if I just accepted her and let her take her rightful spot as my wife and Luna to my pack. As days have passed without my soon to be bride being present, I'm able to get Much needed work finished. I have been avoiding unnecessary connection with anybody. Knowing I need to be able To at least for pretend that everything is ok.

I get a big surprised when my thoughts get interrupted by my mother I hate that she is here, shocked that she just showed up unannounced she is able to see through all my bullshit. "Hello Ivan, I have been trying to contact you, but you have not answered. So, I decide to come and visit."

"I'm sorry, mother, I have been busy with my pack duties."

"Ivan, what is going on with you, something just doesn't seem right you can talk to me."

As much as I want to tell her everything that has happened I can't, I don't want my own mother to be disappointed in me. When I'm already disappointed enough in myself. I press a fake smile on "everything is great there is nothing for you to worry about."