Love Aint Always Pretty novel Chapter 39

Abulia

- abnormal lack of ability to act or to make decisions

Origin: English

39

I watch Tracy and Clyde talk to each other on another table, right across us while I was sitting down on the same spot where I was right next to Nick. I just kept sipping my juice, little by little so I would avoid talking to Nick. I don't want to talk to him right now. I'm not allowed to get hurt but now that I found out that he's still visiting and seeing Catherine, I feel so downgraded. I can't blame him for using me when he's here. The real thing that I'm bugged about is his real current relationship with Catherine. I wonder what they are now.

"How you've been?" He finally speaks after eating his steak. He grabs a tissue and wiped his outer lips.

"Good. Busy." I said without looking at him as I put my lips back on my straw.

We were quiet again. I see Tracy and Clyde walking back to our table with smile on their faces, I think they've patched up everything now. I smiled at them.

"You two are relationship savers. We're both okay now." Tracy says.

"That's good to hear Trace." I say.

"We're going some place where it's only me and Tracy. I've been a douche for getting jealous over nothing. So, I guess we'll go ahead of you two?" Clyde gazed at Nick then at me.

Nick nods. "Alright. And if you fight again don't call me."

Tracy giggles. "We'll be going now. Bye. Oh, and we'll get on that drinking session we promised a while ago this Friday Savannah. Would that be ok?"

"That would be lovely." I said.

She smiles and hugs me. "You're the best."

"Could you drop her off the dorm for me, Nick?" Tracy asked him as she pulls herself away from me.

Nick nods.

"We'll go ahead now." Clyde puts his arm back on Tracy's shoulders as I watch them exiting the diner.

"Drinking session?" Nick asked.

I glanced at him.

"Just you and her?" He asked again.

"Yeah." I answered then cleared my throat.

I pulled myself up from my seat and his head moves along with me. He looks up to me but I didn't want to look back at him.

"You don't need to drop me off the dorm. I'll just take a walk." I said.

I started walking away and I know I've been acting weird in front of him but I'm hurt. And I'm even more hurt cos I can't tell him I'm hurt knowing the fact that he was with Catherine for almost three days and two nights. All of a sudden he grabs my elbow and he was already standing right behind me.

"Is something wrong?" He asked.

I gently pulled my hand back. "No. Is there something wrong about just wanting to take a walk back to the dorm?"

"I'll be driving you there. It's not safe for you to be alone walking on the streets Savannah." He says.

He pulled me out of the diner and both of us headed to his car. Neither of us said a word to each other when we climbed inside. He starts the engine and starts driving away from the diner. I kept chewing on my lower lip cos I feel like crying. What if he had sex with Catherine? They could've had, since they were together for three days. There's a huge possibility to that. What if she's better than me in bed?

I sigh.

"What's bugging you?" He blurted out of the blue.

I glanced at him but then I looked back right outside of my window.

You.

You're bugging me Nick.

You and Catherine.

I shake my head.

"Where were you lately?" I finally asked.

I stared at him. I wanted to look at him when he answers me. I wanted to see his face if ever he's lying or now. His eyes were glued on the road, he's busy driving.

"I visited someone." He answered.

Then it broke me into littlest pieces cos the look on his eyes were telling the truth.

"Nick." I called out.

He glanced at me. "Yeah?"

"Take me to your room and fuck me." I said out.

I was kind of shocked by myself when I said that and I know Nick was too.

He hits the brake and looks at me.

"My place?" He asked.

I nod. "Is there another party there?"

"No. But... Ok. Let's go." He starts driving.

Deep down inside, I know I'm doing this to prove to him that I'm better than Catherine in bed. Im doing this to let him see that I can do better than her. I'm also doing this to prove to myself that we'll be nothing more and he's just using me to satisfy his needs. I'm doing this to teach myself to realize that he's never gonna love me, that we're going to be like this and nothing more.

But a little hope tells me, that I could get him to love me back if we keep having sex. I was thinking if we keep doing it, he'll also feel some sort of attachment towards me too, the way I feel towards him. I still want this even though this will only hurt me.

Every time we fuck, the more I get attached to him and the more I fall in love with him. Every time we fuck, the more I feel so neglected. Every time after we fuck, he leaves me and he's gone.

I know I should find a man who could love me. I know I shouldn't be letting Nick treat me this way but this makes me happy. What we have makes me happy. What I am to Nick makes me feel satisfied, though not fully, but even though this hurts, I want it cos he gives me my needs.

He's too good at this, I can't let him go just yet and I don't think I can.

The minute we got to the frat house, it was almost spotless. I don't know where the other men were around but they weren't in the living room. I just hope Alec, Aries or Billy won't find me here. I could hear some cheering and there I saw in the backyard, they were having games by the pool. Both of us headed up to his room and when I got inside, I headed to his bed and sat down on the foot of it. I watch him close and lock the door and slowly turns to me. He walks towards me and stood right in between my thighs. He unexpectedly knelt down and holds both of my hips.

"You look exhausted." He says.

"School." I answered.

"You must be tired. How about we kiss for a while then I'll drive you home?"

No sex?

I never ever imagined in my entire life that thoughtfulness could be such a turn on.

"No. I want you to have sex with me Nick."

What did I do?

"Hurry up and get dressed so you can leave already." He says. His voice sounded so distant and so cold.

What?

He heads to the door, "I'll wait for you outside the room."

He shuts the door and left me.

He left me.

Now my tears are falling. It keeps on falling. It's not stopping. Damn it. Damn it Savannah. It has been growing behind my eyes the moment he walked out of that goddamn door. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I feel so low of myself. I feel so cheap. I asked him to fuck me, I get what I wanted but I didn't want him to treat me this way. I don't have any idea what the hell is wrong with him to be acting like this all of a sudden.

I'm angry at myself too, cos here I am looking for my goddamn pants inside his room while I try to wipe and stop my stupid tears from falling. I still feel the remnants of him.

He ruined the moment.

He ruined it.

He ruined me.

But...

I let him ruin me.

As soon as I finished getting dressed, I wiped my tears, tied my hair into a bun and wished that he won't noticed I cried. The second I stepped out of the room, neither of us said a word as we stumble our way downstairs.

"Savannah?" Someone called out my name from behind us.

Both of us halted and turned around.

Shit, it's Billy.

I half smiled.

Billy's eyes moved to Nick then looks back at me. "What are you doing here?"

"Uhh.... I dropped something... that Tracy told me to hand to... Nick." I stuttered.

He nods.

"I gotta get going Billy. It was nice to see you though." I said.

I have him a quick hug before heading to the front door and left Nick behind me. I see him over my shoulder following me too. We climbed inside his car and we were still both quiet. I wanted to ask him what was wrong. I wanted to yell at him for doing what he did a while ago. But I have too much pride in me and a little courage to ask him.

We arrived outside the dorm without saying anything to each other. I don't know what was wrong with him. I open the car lock and I waited for him to tell me goodnight, or how he enjoyed it. Anything that is the usual which he says before I step out of his car. I was hoping, even just a simple goodbye.

But nothing.

My tears are building up again. So I quickly stepped out of his car and slammed the door before he'd catch me crying. He speeds off right away and I'm hurt.

What did I do wrong?

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SFTC:

So Far Away - Mary lambert