The Carrero Effect - Falling for the Boss (Billionaire CEO) novel Chapter 178

“You’re putting up with so much crap from her and running to LA for all of this,” I retort. “How can she say that you’re not invested?”

“You really want to know?” He looks at me warily. “You never ask about any of this.” He watches me carefully. I bite on my lip, and twirl my hair nervously, everything in me wanting to push this topic away and clamp shut, but the way he’s looking at me stills me. He lifts his hand to mine, cupping it slowly and pulls my fingers from my hair with a frown. He keeps my hand in his yet uses his thumb to stroke my cheek.

“I want to talk to you about this, but not if it’s going to upset you.” He finally admits but I stay still, looking intently at him. My heart racing erratically.

“I need to stop pretending it’s not happening.” I finally let out quietly and watch the indecision flit across his face. He knows I won’t lead the conversation, so he volunteers it instead.

“I asked her to have a termination.” He grimaces as though he’s not proud of the memory. “The night in the hotel, the first time we ever had sex … I didn’t know what was happening with us, all I could think about was you. She wanted me to marry her, for the sake of her pride and I told her no. I thought a baby would mean I would never have a chance with you, so I told her I didn’t want it.” He looks anywhere but at me and despite looking ashamed there’s an inner glow inside of me, a tiny spark calming over my insecure heart.

Does that make me a complete bitch?

“I was a complete jerk. She showed up at the wrong time, things between us messy and all I wanted was to march to your room and talk about everything that happened; not be pacing around my room with an angry Marissa preaching to me about responsibilities.”

I love you so much!

“You think I don’t agree? I would have done the same if I were you.” I reach my fingertips up and try to smooth away the furrow of his dark brows. “This baby has been a massive cloud over us from day one.”

He sighs and turns his attention back to me, his knuckles running down my cheek.

“I keep trying to feel some sort of peace with this, trying to get things legal is an attempt at being okay with it but I just can’t. No matter how many times I tell myself I’m going to be a father, I just can’t seem to accept it.” He exhales heavily. “The DNA testing just points out to me more than ever how much I’m desperate to find a way out, Emma … I’m ashamed that I can even think that way. It’s why I don’t want it … Because I don’t want to focus hope on some miracle that it’s not mine.”

Hearing him verbalize all of this makes me cry, only not with insecurity or anguish but with relief, a part of me needing to hear all of this finally. He rests his forehead to mine, his fingers tracing my mouth.

“This isn’t how I planned any of this. It was supposed to be just you and me and a whole future ahead of us to get married, have kids … Marissa and this baby turn everything upside down. It kills me to know how much it hurts you and that hurts me too.”

“I wish it never happened.” I admit shyly, my cheeks heating at the admission, afraid to show him how selfish I am.

You’re an awful person, Emma!

“I wish it never happened either; I’m not just saying that because I got her pregnant … I wish I had realized the moment I fell in love with you that sex with anyone else was never going to fix me. I was stupid and only gave you more reason to push me away.” He’s gazing deeply into my eyes intensely; every shade of green has come into play with every emotion and right now I’m mesmerized. I look away, swallowing down the surge of hurt, the memory of him leaving me on that boat to expel his sexual tension with other women in a bid to get over me. “It never helped me. I just felt shitty.” He whispers against my cheek. “It just made me even more messed up in the head, feeling more and more distraught.”

“You don’t need to tell me this.” I start, the panic rising that’s he’s going to admit to everything I don’t want to hear. I don’t need to know about the women who kept him occupied while we were apart.

“I need to tell you this, Emma … You need to hear it, if anything so that I stop feeling guilty about it every time I look at you. I regret it so much.”

“I don’t want to know about other women when you left the boat.” I start, wriggling to get free but he holds me still.

“There was only one … Once. I swear. Then I sent her away and took some alone time because I realized sex wasn’t going to straighten my head out, it wasn’t going to fill this emptiness inside of me that you left.”

It rips through my chest but in no way near the destructive way I expected. I was waiting to hear about a multitude of women and non-stop sex, yet his admission takes it all away.

“But you came back to New York with a date.” I point out. My brain scrambling at the memories in disbelief.