Too Beautiful for the Alpha novel Chapter 19

It has been almost a week since I've seen James and I can't help but worry. What if he's never coming back for me? What if it was all a lie? I can't die here alone. I just can't. These last few days I've put all my eggs in one basket. Tonight I sit in bed, waiting like the past few nights. My tiredness has been scared off by excitement and anxiety and a thumping heart.

After another hour, I can't help but lay down. As much as I fight myself, my eyes can't help but close—I'll open them abruptly once I feel myself falling asleep—but soon I'm oblivious to everything around me. I am submerged in a dreamland.

It feels like only a few minutes later when there's a gentle hand on my arm. At first, I think that I'm dreaming something incredibly realistic, but when my eyes open and the familiar shadowed corners of my bedroom appear, I immediately look up. James is sat on my bed, looking down at me. He takes his hand off of my arm and says quietly, "I'm sorry for waking you."

With my brain still asleep, my eyes roll to the small clock on my bedside table from when I was thirteen. It's a retro, pink, ugly clock whose smoldering digits tell me that I've been asleep for almost an hour. I then peer back to James and blink a few times before slowly sitting up in my sheets, not registering anything. "You're here?" I mumble, rubbing my puffy eyes.

"Yes. I'm sorry I had to come so late."

His voice wraps around me like ribbon. "That's okay. Are we leaving now?"

"No. Not tonight," he says softly. "I should let you get back to sleep."

"No," I protest, sounding more awake. "I'm fine. Don't go." He nods, but before he can speak, my tired mind finds it best to bring up the things that have been bothering me the past few days. "Why did you do it? Sleep with her, I mean."

James looks off at the open window. "I don't know anymore," he says then looks back to me. "I'm sure it was to make myself believe that I didn't need you. To forget about you. To stop thinking about you. To force myself to believe I could be with someone else."

I rest against my headboard and bring my knees to my chest, not willing to let go of the warmth in my bed. The open window allows the cold bleed inside. James seems to notice this because he gets up to close it. "Can you?" I ask.

He slides the glass down and turns to me. "I can't forget about you. I can't get you off of my mind." He nears me and sits back down.

"Can you be with someone else?"

"No," he breathes out. "I can't."

Satisfaction fills me. "I want to go back to your pack. I don't want to be here."

"Is it really so bad?"

I sigh. "My mother tells everyone that we didn't work out, so now she's trying to introduce me to other people."

James looks interested. "Other people?"

"Other guys. There's this guy named Noah—"

"Noah? Who's Noah?"

"I'll tell you if you'll let me," I say, somewhat fueled to carry on, to give him a taste of his own medicine. "He's this guy, and his mate died two years ago. Our mothers are friends, so my mom is trying to set us up.  It's sad and awkward. She thinks I'm crazy because I won't let you go. But she doesn't know all of this; what's happened. Do you see why I can't stay here now?"

James grabs my hand, and my eyes drop to the wanted connection. "You don't know how bad I want to take you back, Rae."

"Then take me back. I'll sneak off of the land with you. I've snuck off of yours before."

"What?"

"James," I say, changing the subject, "please. I don't want to stay here any longer. What could be so bad between you and Alpha Waters?"

"It's complicated."

I cross my arms. "Well, next time then?"

"Hopefully next time. I can't promise anything, but things are looking good as of now."

There is a moment of silence between us, and I can hear the crickets outside. I can't help but yawn. "Aren't you tired?"

James squeezes my hand that is still in his two. "I can't be. I have to be alert to slip past the guards at the borders."

"I know, but it is one in the morning." On a limb, I say, "You should lay down. At least for a bit." He gives me an unsure look, so I scoot to the other side of my bed. "I know you're tired."

I don't know what it is inside of me that wants him to lay down so badly. The clash of my old life and new life is pushed to the back of my head, and all I want is to be close to him while I can, knowing he has to leave soon. The empty feeling when he's gone makes me needy.

"Rae—" James starts, but I stop him.

"Will you just let me be close to you? I've been pushed away for so long—I just want to be close to you." I can't help but move back, grabbing his hands as he did mine. "I just want a connection." My eyes wander down to his lips unknowingly, almost telling him what I want. He steadily moves closer until his forehead is against mine, and I can't help it. I bring my lips to his, bringing back a familiar sensation. He is careful, slow, testing to see if this is something he is allowed to do.