Alpha's Regret After Her Rebirth (Hannah and Noah) novel Chapter 69

Chapter 0069
Hannah
I let out a long, shuddering sigh as I closed the bedroom door behind me, leaning back against the cool wood for a moment.
Goddess, I felt utterly drained-like all the energy had been sapped straight out of me. Which, I supposed, wasn’t too far from the truth considering how violently ill I had been feeling all day. I had been on the move all day at the orphanage, and hadn’t kept a single bite of food down.
Pushing away from the door, I trudged across the plush carpet of the bedroom, just longing for a hot bath and the softness of my bed. I stopped short, however, when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the floor-length mirror against the wall.
I turned to face the mirror, my brow furrowing slightly as I studied my appearance. My cheeks looked a little hollow, my collarbone jutting out ever so slightly beneath the collar of my blouse. My waist looked tinier than ever, and my hip bones were poking against my skirt.
Had I lost weight again? I hadn’t gained much lately, but… I hadn’t been quite this skinny before.
A small, rueful smile tugged at the corners of my mouth as I took in my increasingly slender figure. Despite everything-despite the harrowing bouts of nausea and vomiting, the relentless fatigue, the persistent feeling that I needed to get back on track for my baby’s sake-I couldn’t quite smother the tiny flicker of pride that began to burn in my belly.
How long had it been since the last time I had looked this thin? This delicate? This….
pretty?
But then, the self-satisfied smile slipped from my face as quickly as it had appeared, immediately replaced by a surge of white-hot shame and disgust. At myself, at the dark path my thoughts had started traveling down so easily.
I knew how unhealthy this was-I had been there, regrettably, before. It had literally killed me; the problematic obsession with thinness, with controlling my weight and appearance through whatever means necessary, even destructive ones.
It was a vicious cycle I had thought-hoped-I had finally begun to move past thanks to a second chance from the Moon Goddess.
And yet, here I was again, unable to fully extinguish those feelings of gratification at seeing my body wither away right in front of my eyes.
Better, that little voice echoed in the back of my mind. Thinner… Thinner… Need to be thinner…
Feeling suddenly nauseous for an entirely different reason, I tore my gaze-away from my reflection, instead focusing on the floor as I crossed the room to my bed. I sank down and slipped my phone out of my purse, swallowing hard around the lump in my throat as I did something that I knew I shouldn’t.
My hands shook slightly as I navigated to the private channel I used to order my diet pills. Sure enough, there was a new message waiting for me from the nameless dealer that I had been using for years: WhiteRabbit.
I never knew his or her real name; I only knew them as WhiteRabbit, a private dealer who had been supplying me with my diet pills since the beginning-ever since a mysterious little text had made its way
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Chapter 0059
into my inbox with four simple words: “Want to be skinnier?”
Now, years later, WhiteRabbit had been my go-to. Their diet pills worked really well, and they were discreet and inexpensive.
I stared at the screen for a few moments, chewing my lip.
It would be so easy, I knew. A few taps of my finger and I could have my usual order-a month’s supply of my favorite diet pills-delivered straight to my doorstep by the end of the week. I had done it countless times before, after all,
Something twisted deep in my gut-though whether from guilt or temptation, I couldn’t quite tell. I knew this was wrong, but I also couldn’t deny the sick, unbridled joy that warped through me at the sight of my hip bones in the mirror.
Just a few pills wouldn’t hurt, right?
Before I could think better of it, I began tapping out my message to White Rabbit, my teeth digging into my lower lip. I paused, my thumb hovering over the ‘send’ button, every muscle in my body tensed as I battled with myself.
This is so, so wrong, a voice at the back of my mind whispered. I had died, had accidentally killed my baby, and the Moon Goddess had given me a second chance. I was on the road to recovery.
What would the counselor or the other women at the eating disorder support group think? What would they say when they found out that their Luna had relapsed?
But in that moment, none of that mattered. That evil little voice, the voice I attributed to
to my eating disorder, was louder than all the rest. Must be thinner, it seemed to say. Must be prettier.
“F***k it,” I whispered, hitting “send”.
Suddenly, the sound of someone knocking on the door nearly caused me to jump out of my skin. I quickly shut off my phone, feeling as though I had nearly been caught watching p**n-
“Hannah?” A m****ed voice called out from the hallway-Noah’s voice, much to my surprise and my chagrin. “Can I come in?”
I opened my mouth, but no words came. I simply watched, feeling paralyzed, as the door creaked open to reveal Noah lingering in the open doorway. He was wearing his shoes and jacket, like he was about to go out-likely he was heading out for the night, just as he always did.
He blinked at me wordlessly for a moment, seeming to take in my startled expression, my flushed cheeks, the phone clutched against my chest like a shield. Momentary confusion flickered through his eyes, combined with something that would have looked like concern to me if I didn’t know better.
“What are you doing?” he finally asked, taking a step forward.
1-“My voice came out embarrassingly strangled, so I paused to clear my throat before trying again. Nothing. What do you want?”
A heavy silence stretched between us for a few moments. Just when I thought Noah was about to push The subject and demand the truth from me, he simply sighed.
“It’s a nice night out,” he said, glancing over at the window.
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Furrowing my brow, I allowed myself to follow his gaze; it was, indeed, a nice night out. Despite being January, it hadn’t snowed in a while and there was nothing more than a light breeze in the evening air. It was cold, but not that bitter sort of cold that set itself into your bones. Honestly, the chilly air coming in through the window was refreshing against my hot skin.
Returning my gaze to him, I shrugged. “It is. What of it?”
Noah paused for a moment, opening his mouth and then closing it again as though he couldn’t seem to figure out what to say. Just when I was beginning to grow impatient, he finally cleared his throat and met
my gaze.
1 was planning on heading out for a walk,” he said. “Would you like to join me?”
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Chapter 0070