Big Bad Alphas novel Chapter 45

After hours of hiding up in my bedroom, I find myself venturing downstairs, worried and anxious to see someone. Caroline gave me an update an hour ago, telling me that Kendra is safe somehow and that Eric will be back later tonight, and then she left the door and went off somewhere. We spoke through the door, me on the inside and her on the outside, like I was locked in. I could have opened it, I could have hugged her and begged for forgiveness, but I didn't. I should of, but I couldn't.

The stairs let out a creaking noise as I land on the second to last step and I contemplate hurrying back up. The wood is cold against my feet. The house seems to be dead. No one comes searching for the cause of the creaking noise. I am like a ghost with no one to scare.

My mates father is dead, Carolines father is dead, Evangeline's mate is dead, and I am too anxious to say that I am sorry. Sebastian helped me once, he saved my life actually. It was a rogue in the forest, and I saw him go after it. It would have killed me if he was not there.

I remember a lot of things from my time here.

I remember sliding down the tree truck, scraping up my arms as part of Olivia's revenge. I remember swiping Eric's shirt when he left the room, smelling it like an expensive cologne. I remember running away only for Olivia to choke me, and only for Eric to believe he did it himself. I remember throwing a glass bowl at Eric's head, thinking he was the father of someone else's child. I remember planning a party, a ball, just for Olivia to find her mate, but Caroline to discover hers instead. I remember our first night together, the sensations, the emotions, the intimacy.

   I wander into the empty kitchen, finding a tray of white chocolate roses spaced evenly apart. I stare down at them, wondering where they came from.

  "I always make them during times like these."

   Turning to the side, I see Marina walking into the kitchen from the dinning room. "We have a dinner with the family, then I make red velvet cakes and set them on top. It's been like this since Sebastian's grandfather died, a tradition I suppose. The recipe is passed down."

   "Will there be a funeral?" I ask, looking back down at the roses whose petals open up at me.

   "There will be, when Evangeline is ready." Marina looks over the roses then grabs out supplies from cabinets, preparing to make dinner. "Would you like to help me?"

   I nod and do as she says, collecting ingredients and boiling pots of water. "Who will be coming?"

   "Evangeline, Eric, Caroline, Lucas, myself, and you of course. Only close family," she explains while chopping up various vegetables.

   "I'm sorry for your loss, Marina. I know you took care of Sebastian."

    Marina stops cutting. "He was a good man, a good Alpha. Loyal. Evangeline must be devastated."

    "She's back? They found her?"

   "Yes. She went off into the forest. Her grandmother used to live nearby, I believe she went to that house."

   I continue assisting Marina with dinner, feeling less anxious since she told me that Evangeline, Eric, and Caroline are spending time alone together. I assume they are at Evangeline's home, crying, talking, reminiscing—everything people in morning do. I only know stereotypical things as my fathers death was not dealt with normally. I assume Sebastian's death is being dealt with in a normal manner.

   I have not seen Eric since I said my goodbyes, when the gun was about to be held up at my chest. But I want to see him, desperately. If only he was not in pain, feeling the affects of a parents death. If only I could just lay in his arms, as if everything is normal again. Though, nothing has ever been normal between us.

    Marinas lets me go and I end up back inside my bedroom, told to get ready for dinner in an hour. Wanting more time with my thoughts, I run a bath and sit on the side of the tub as the water fills up. I can see my face in the mirror, but I look away, back at the water. When it is ready, I strip my clothes and submerge myself in the clear, warm water, leaving the very tops of my shoulders out of the small ocean. I lay here for a while, and I do not notice myself sinking further down at a steady pace, as if my body is simply sliding against the bottom of the tub. Soon the water reaches my chin.

   I feel relaxed, my anxiety slipping away. My many encounters with death have me distraught, and for a moment I truly believe that I should be dead right now. It should be me, not Sebastian.

   I have always feared death, acting brave when I have to. Death is final, permanent, endless, an intense escape from life itself. I should be dead. How do I keep escaping it? How do I race death and beat it to the finish line? I should feel an adrenaline rush from this, but I only feel like a cheater.

   The water reaches my lips, and I feel myself sinking faster than before.

   I have always feared death, and I cannot understand why I do not fear it now. Truthfully, honestly, on my fathers grave, I do not fear death at this exact moment, in this exact situation. If I died right now, it would be alright. It is a frightening to feel this way. Something about it seems right, peaceful almost. Like I am making things right, how it was supposed to happen. I am turning myself in with my weapons down, hands up. I have broken the law too many times. It is unfair to others. I have to turn myself in. I accept my punishment.

   The water is at my eyes, hovering just below. The room is silent, I hear nothing, my ears are submerged. There is no panic. I know I cannot breathe and I feel fine.