107 My Worst Fear
(Winona)
The past week has been an unexpected respite, a slice of calm that feels almost too good to last. Abby’s resilience shines through, her recovery is nothing short of miraculous given her recent health battles.
Her latest lab results are positive and our path forward is for her to stay here with me until her next operation. It’s a small victory in the grand scheme, but it’s ours to celebrate.
I haven’t had any trouble from anyone I’m barred from contacting. This has been a surprisingly safe bubble for Abby and me Phillip has been by our side through it all, his support unwavering
It’s a comfort to have him so close, not just for Abby, but for me too.
Amidst this fragile peace, Phillip’s developed a new business–a venture he’s adamant about bootstrapping Despite my offers to help finance this endeavor, he’s determined about his independence.
He’s plunged headfirst into creating a series of eBooks and audiobooks, tapping into his wealth of knowledge
Watching him find his stride, seeing his first signs of success with sales–it’s infectious and heartening. I wish him all the best in building a financially stable future.
Phillip’s changed. There’s a new depth to him, a vulnerability that wasn’t there before. It makes him more. human, more relatable. He’s come out the other side of his struggles with alcohol stronger, more
determined
That darkness, that period of utter desolation after Gus fired him, has forged a new determination in him. He’s not the man he was, he’s something better, something stronger.
I find it all very attractive and we’ve even graduated to cuddling each other in bed. I’m just going with what feels good at this point. Not overthinking it.
Phillip never adds pressure of any kind.
Courtroom memories still haunt me–the look of anger on Jayden’s face, the shock of seeing Phillip with me. It’s clear he’s not about to forgive or forget, especially not where Phillip is involved
He’s clearly jealous as he always was where I’m concerned but he has no right. He pushed me away Nailed the final nail in the coffin when he sided with Ashlyn.
I cannot see a way forward with Jayden and I romantically, ever.
My own professional future feels as unstable as ever but there isn’t much I can do about that. Turning down Gus’s offer might have been a mistake, but if I don’t get out of this accusation, I can’t do any job
anyway
As for ever working under Jayden again? That seems unimaginable now
Financial stability is a concern. The possibility of jail hangs over me like a dark cloud. What would happen to Abby then? Could Phillip and Anne keep raising her, or would she end up with Jayden and Judy? Ashlyn’s name would be cleared so presumably she’d be there as well
My past with Jayden, the pain of his betrayal–it all cornes rushing back. The promise of a fresh start with
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102 My Worst Fa
him, once so bright, now feels like a distant dream. The reality of our situation is almost too much to bear.
I’d entertained fantasies in Santa Monica of overcoming all odds and finding happiness with Jayden as a family. But those dreams clash with the hard reality.
The truth is, I don’t see a future where Judy and Ashlyn aren’t constant thorns in my side, where every decision isn’t tainted by their scheming. More than thorns, actual dangers.
It’s time to let go of those fairy tale endings. The notion of a love that conquers all, that stands defiant in the face of adversity–it’s not meant for me. I need to accept that and move on, for Abby’s sake if not for
my own.
Worries swarm my mind as I walk to check in on Abby. She has become my anchor, the person who keeps me grounded when the storm of anxiety threatens to pull me under.
Putting her needs above mine helps me get back to earth.
In the kitchen, Phillip and Anne’s voices float through the air. Their laughter, light and carefree, momentarily gets my attention.
I pause for a moment at the kitchen doorway, the familiar sound of Phillip’s laughter mingling with Anne’s softer chuckles drawing me in. They’re huddled over the kitchen island, craft and artwork strewn about.
The sight of them so engrossed, so at ease, pleases me.
“Hey, you two seem in high spirits,” I say, leaning against the doorframe with a smile I hope
I hope appears more genuine than it feels.
Phillip looks up, his eyes lighting up as he sees me. “Winona! We’re just going through Abby’s latest
creations.
I smile as he holds up her drawing of her family. Me, Jayden, Phillip and Anne and another figure. “Who’s the one in the red dress?”
“Grandma Judy,” Anne says with a grin.
I chuckle, “oh, I must call her that one day. She’ll hate sounding so old.”
Phillip’s expression softens as he watches me, his gaze insightful. “How are you holding up, really? This court thing is hanging over us–it’s got to be eating at you.”
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