158 Going Deeper
(Jayden)
“Imagine being told by my best friend that you now loved Ashlyn and had no memory of me.” Winona’s voice is steady, but the hurt behind it is unmistakable.
She continues, “I was heartbroken. All I wanted was to get through rehabilitation as fast as possible and come find you, I was sure once you saw me, you’d remember what we had.”
I listen to her words. There’s no avoiding the pain she’s laying out in front of me.
“Jayden, remember this isn’t about blame, Barnaby’s voice cuts in, calm and firm. “This is Winona expressing her truth. Just hear her. No excuses. No defensiveness. Just listen.”
I nod, silencing the instinct to defend myself.
“You never cared about my side of things,” Winona continues. “Not once. You never gave me the benefit of the doubt. You just accepted what they told you, even when I tried to help you remember.
“Okay, let’s-“Barnaby starts but Winona keeps going.
You made love to me the night I conceived Abby.” Her voice tightens. “I thought I’d finally broken through. It felt like you remembered. But after that, you were even angrier with me.”
She pauses.
Barnaby speaks again, “So…good-”
“You crushed me when you accused me of drugging you,” she continues. “When you demanded the ‘divorce. So heartless. So cruel. Maybe that’s just who you are, Jayden. Maybe it’s something in your genes you can’t change.”
Her words are a sharp, stinging slap. Does she really believe I’m beyond redemption? That I’m trapped my own bloodline?
“Now we’re getting to it,” Barnaby says, his tone encouraging. “Winona, great job. Jayden, how does it feel to hear Winona say that?”
“I don’t know.”
“You do know,” Barnaby presses. “Winona has opened up. It’s time for you to do the same. This will never work if you don’t be vulnerable.”
I take a deep breath, the air heavy in my lungs. I’m angry.”
I
Winona’s eyes meet mine, and I force myself to continue. “I’m angry with myself for being so easily manipulated by my mother. For not believing you when you tried to tell me the truth. I let myself be weak. That’s not who I want to be.”
Barnaby’s gaze sharpens. “Who do you want to be, Jayden?”
The question throws me off. “What?”
“Who do you want to be?” he repeats, his tone insistent
+25 BONUS
8 Gong Deeper
“Not my foll
my father, that’s for damn sure,” I say, the realization hitting me hard. “Neither of them. Greg, the man I thought was my father for so long–I should’ve been relieved to find out he wasn’t. But then there’s Gus. He’s not someone I want to be either.”
“So who is it you want to be like?” Bamaby asks, leaning forward slightly. “Do you have a positive male Influence in your life? Anyone at all? Grandfather, uncles, older cousins?”
I shake my head slowly. “If they exist, I don’t know them.”
Barnaby switches eye contact to Winona. “What about you? Any positive male influences in your life?”
Winona looks down, shaking her head, “No. I might’ve said Phillip at one point, but he turned out to be a liar. So, no.”
Barnaby leans back in his chair, his expression thoughtful. “Neither of you has had a strong, positive male figure to look up to. You’ve both been raised on dysfunction, and that’s the model you know.”
He pauses, letting the words sink in before continuing, Jayden, you don’t know how to be the man you want to be because you’ve never seen him. You understand a strong woman but you’re unsure how to co- exist and be the man you want to be.”
His eyes shift back to Winona. “Winona, you’ve never experienced anything but dysfunction from males, so you’ve settled for versions better than what you grew up with. You understand how to be a strong woman and good role model for Abby, but you don’t understand what a male role model should look like.”
His words hit me. We’ve been trying to build our lives on broken foundations, chasing something we’ve never actually seen.
Barnaby leans forward slightly, his voice steady but insistent. “Dysfunction is familiar to both of you. It’s what you know, so it’s what you replicate. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept it.”
He turns to Winona. “Winona, you don’t have to settle just because it’s slightly better than what you had before. You have to demand more, for yourself and for Abby,”
His gaze returns to me. “Jayden, you have to understand that being a better man isn’t just about not being your father. It’s about defining who you want to be, beyond that.”
“This isn’t easy,” Barnaby says, his tone softer but no less firm. “It’s about unlearning everything you’ve known and building something better. But you both have to want it, and you both have to put in the work.”
This isn’t just about not repeating the mistakes of the past. It’s about building a future that isn’t defined by those mistakes. Winona deserves more. Abby deserves more. And so do I.
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