Hatred With Benefits novel Chapter 40

EVA.

"Eva–" Emerson mumbles quietly and when I lift my gaze to his face; an expression that tells me he doesn't need to learn more to know exactly what I mean coats his face, but it isn't right. He needs to learn everything because it's more than they usually think it is.

"Listen. And don't utter a word. " I tell him, and Emerson nods, staying mute.

With the wet of my lips, I open my mouth to continue. "We went out that night to have fun, but we got lost. They were all grown, and we had no idea where they were taking us. At first, we thought it was some sort of prank, but the more minutes we spent being huddled up in the truck of the car with no sense of movement; the more we learned what was happening and the more our fear grew. " I take a pause and think back to the way I had searched for my sister's hand through the dark, and the way it was shaking when I laced my fingers through hers.

"You don't have to speak about it if you're not ready, Eva. I know how—" Emerson starts, but I cut him off. "I told you to stay silent, Ford. Not a single word from you till I'm done. "

His chest falls in a sigh before he presses his lips into a thin line and I take that as my cue to continue. "They took us to a place– a house. The room they left us in was small. Too tiny for Lena. We had no idea what was happening, but we knew we were in trouble; just not how much trouble we were in. Not until they came the second day. They came for me. They wanted to take me, but Lena jumped in. She let them take her away so I would be left alone, and they did. I had no idea what they were going to do to her; not until I heard her screams. " I shut my eyes as the agonizing screams of my sister fills my ears– and with each scream that came from her that night, a tear rolled down my face.

"When they brought her back in, her dress... Her blood. Her dress was drenched in her blood. They assaulted her. They took something that wasn't theirs to take; from a fourteen-year-old girl. They ruined her entire life before it could begin. " The pain in her eyes when I ran to her, the way her body gave up against mine and the way she tried so fucking hard to hold onto her tears for me. She told me she was alright to be strong for me, but she fucking wasn't. Nothing was alright. They damaged her and there was nothing I could do, but sit there and cry about it. Nothing I could do to ameliorate her pain; dry her unshed tears; give back what was taken from her.

"That night, I held onto her and she promised me that we would get out. She said to not give up. She said to—" my voice breaks, and I feel his warm touch against my skin as he laces his finger through mine, keeping to my words of remaining silent, but giving comfort in the only way he can.

"She said dad was going to come for us, and we would be out of there. She told me they'd pay for what they did, and I believed her. I've never seen my sister act that strong before. She was hurting, Emerson. I knew it. I saw it. I felt it. But she never shed a tear. Not a single one. While my face was full of tears; Lena, in her weak state, dried them for me. She was a version of herself I never knew of, and she managed to give me hope, but it didn't last long because the next day– they were back. " Emerson squeezes my hand tightly at those words, and I swallow the bitter lump down my throat.

"She went again. Every single time they came for me, she stepped in to protect me and her agonizing screams pierces my ears every time till they throw her back in. Used and forced against her own will. I stayed up several times and wondered why this was happening to us as I watch over my sister's body. I wondered why we were being punished that way, I wondered why no one was coming to our rescue and I wondered why it had to be us. It was wrong; to wish that on someone else was wrong but I couldn't care. I just wanted it to not be us. I cried, and I prayed but it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough, because we were doomed. Lena kept trying to reassure me to not give up, but I already did. I knew there was only an amount of times she could manage to protect me before they eventually come for me, and I promised myself to not share a single tear. And it happened. The night they came for us again; Lena tried to stop me, but I stepped forward this time. I let them take me and I stopped my sister from trying to prevent something unpreventable. "

Her eyes. The hurt they held when I pushed her back, and the way she shook her head furiously when I was dragged out of the room: I remember every single detail.

"When they went down on me and—" I pause to take a breathe and push back the tears that threaten to overwhelm me as I'm dragged into that place again– dragged into that night. I remember spitting on his face out of fury when he forced my legs open, and I remember how he struck me across the face. I remember how I felt no pain when he did, and I remember throwing my head to the side and biting on my lips to hold back the pathetic tears as he forced his way inside me and took something that wasn't his. Something that's never meant to be taken unwillingly. Even at that, I never shed a tear. All the screams from my sister through several nights numbed away mine, and the only thing I felt when he stick that disgusting thing inside me was anger. Anger that I should never have had to feel. Anger that goes to the extent of wanting to kill and beyond; a wave of anger that almost turned me into a murderer and I didn't give a shit about it.

Emerson is holding onto both of my hands now, squeezing them tight in his and I refuse to lift my head to him because I know I'd break at that. Then I'll stop speaking, and then I'll cry. And I don't want to do that. Not yet. Not until I'm done.

"They were two. Another stood by the side, and jerked himself to the sight of his friends forcing their way with me. They spoke words. Words that sounded like nothing, but complete trash to my ears. They didn't stop at one, and they didn't stop at two. The more I remained silent, the more they went but I kept to my promise to not give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry, and they finally let me go. When they threw me back inside the room, Lena was there waiting and all it took was a look into my sister's eyes for the tears to flow down my cheeks. She took me into her arms, and mumbled soothing words into my ears, and at that moment; the pain I felt wasn't mine. It was my sister's. " Lena's trembling body as she held me and tried to relieve me of the pain crosses my mind.

I take a few minutes before I continue. "We were kept in there for a long, and we had no idea how much time passed. Night by night, they came and night by night; they took each piece of our soul and tainted it. " Night by night, we fell and there was no sight of hope for us.

"Then the day of our saviour came. Perhaps it was too late, and perhaps it was not, but our father found us at the very last stage of giving up life and seized the men. It was months, Emerson. They kept us in there and used us for months. "

The relief that covered dad's face when he realized he managed to find us, but that relief was quick to turn into a look of horror and a fit of burning anger when he saw the state we were in. I recall him almost beating one of them to his death and he would have, if the cops weren't there to stop him.

"Did they fucking kill them?" He growls, bitterness creeping into his voice and a sad chuckle falls from my mouth as I say, "They didn't. They were taken to jail, and the punishment was to serve the rest of their lives there. Nothing less. Nothing more. "

"That's fucking stupid! They are to be killed. They don't deserve to fúcking live another day after—"

"You know how the law works. " I cut him off, silencing the rest of his words and Emerson shakes his head. "Fuck the law, Carson. "

"The same words I muttered. " I smile as I finally lift my head to look into his eyes, and they hold enough pain for me to feel. Not pity. Not sympathy, but the rawness of pain. And I feel it through me.

"Dad took us to therapy, " I mumble, and Emerson lifts one of his hands to my face. He cups my cheek in his hand and uses his thumb to knead the skin, and it's surprisingly more than he could offer.

"He blamed himself for what happened. He considered himself a failure as a parent and as a man. He hurt as we all did, and he promised to never let anything bad happen to us. After several medical treatments, my sister and I were fine. Or at least I thought we were. I was. I scorned what happened, but I handled my pain by channelling it into something else; distracting myself with new habits and that's how I got into reading. It worked for me– my nightmares got better, but not for Lena. She handled her pain another way, or should I say she couldn't. She suffered the most from the two of us, and she was the weakest at heart so it wasn't a surprise that she struggled with it. She had nightmares of those days every single night, and her screams were worse than the ones I heard when we were there. They were a different kind. They were screams of a girl who was destroyed and could never be fixed again. "

"Eva. " Emerson calls beside me and tears burn at the corners of my eyes at the memories of my twin sister.

"Dad took her to treatment again when her nightmares kept getting worse. I was alright, but she wasn't and that built a different kind of pain within me. Every single night, I'd walk into her room and stay by her side, and every time she screamed from her sleep, I'd calm her back to it. I wanted to be there for her. I tried to be there for her, but it wasn't enough. She was too damaged, Emerson. She was too broken, and there was nothing I could do other than watch her life fall apart. " Tears roll down my cheeks and Emerson brings me into his arms, his arm going around my waist as he pulls me to straddle his lap.

"No. Don't say that, Eva. You tried. " He soothes me as he strokes my cheeks to wipe my tears.

"I didn't try enough. " I shake my head. "I should have tried more. I should have tried harder, Emerson. I should have fucking done everything, and maybe my sister wouldn't have fucking killed herself!"

Emerson's hand on my cheek stills and his jaw drops as he repeats my words, "Killed herself?"

"She hung herself. We thought she was doing better, but she wasn't. She gave up. She ended her life because she could no longer go on. "

That detail is engraved into my soul the most out of all. I was heading to her room to check up on her, but what I met was the body of my sister hanging from the ceiling with her head dropped. I couldn't move at first. I couldn't open my mouth. I stood there and watched– watched my sister give up life. And when I finally opened my mouth, it was a scream. A scream that alerted my parents and rushed them to my side. They were frozen when they came in at first too, before they struggled to get her down. I didn't need to look into my father's eyes and I didn't need to hear my mother's agonizing cries before my legs gave out and I realized she left.

To realize that I killed my sister.

"No," Emerson utters and when I lift my head to him; my vision blurry from my tears, he presses a hand to my head and brings it to his chest. "No, Eva. Please no. "

"I shouldn't have let her step in for me, Emerson. Maybe if I had protected her instead of letting her— maybe it would have been different. Maybe she would be alive. Maybe I would—" my words break into sobs and I fist my hands into the side of his shirt as my body shakes against his.

"You didn't kill her, Eva. They killed her. Those men did. You didn't kill Lena. You were there for her in the only way you could be. You tried. " He urges, his hand moving to the small of my back to give soft pats.

"But if I–" I open my mouth to argue and Emerson holds my face in his hands as he lifts my gaze to meet his and in a firm tone, he says, "You didn't kill Lena. Do you understand me, Eva? you didn't kill your sister and you should never think otherwise. Lena would never want that for you. She would never want you to take the blame for her death, so do not. You're not to blame for what happened. "

"You're not to blame. " He whispers as he pushes my head back to his chest. "I can't begin to imagine your pain after, Eva. You're so strong for holding on. You're so fucking brave for moving on and growing into this beautiful version of yourself. I know it must not have been easy, and I have no right to say this, but I'm glad you didn't let what happened to take you with it. I'm proud of you, Eva and your sister would be prouder. "

I lose it at those words from him. I hold onto him as I let it all go till the sounds of my cries fill the space around us, and my tears soak his shirt.

"That's it. " He says as he continues to stroke my hair and back. "Let it all out. Don't hold back. Let yourself feel as you should. "

And I keep going. Tears after tears till there's nothing left to cry and I just lay there in his arms, letting the silence and his embrace soothe what's left of my pains.

"I'm about to move. " He says after a while and I raise my head from his chest, attempting to move to the side; only for Emerson to drag me back to his lap.

"I was just notifying you. I didn't say to move. " He mumbles, pressing a hand to the side of my face to press to his chest, and I hum as I wrap my legs around his waist after he moves from the couch and walks us in the direction of the rooms.

He walks through the door of his room and shuts it with his leg before striding towards his bed. He gently lowers me on the bed before he strolls to the other side and comes back with one of his shirts in hand.

"You can sleep in mine. You said you don't sleep well with your regular clothes on. " He explains as he holds out the black shirt to me and I sit up on the bed before I take the shirt from him.

"Do you want me to help you with it?" He offers as I throw a leg over the edge and I raise my head to him with a tiny smirk on my face as I say, "I have hands, Ford. "

"I'm aware of that, but I thought— never mind. Help yourself, Carson. " He walks away from me and a small chuckle leaves my lips before I stand up and strip out of my clothes. I throw the shirt over my head, and it swallows me whole, going past my midthighs as the familiar soothing scent of Emerson Ford surrounds me.

"Come here. " Emerson pats the space next to him when I turn back and I crawl into bed, shifting closer to his side till I'm pressed to his body.