Hatred With Benefits novel Chapter 81

EVA.

"I can't let you hurt me again, Emerson. I can't handle you breaking my heart again. " I whisper to him and he shakes his head several times before he opens his mouth, "I won't. I promise you I won't, baby. I— I love you, Eva. Baby, please. "

"You said those same words once, and look where we are. " I remind him of his once made promise and he says, "I told you, Eva. You'd never be in the pain alone. Look at me, baby. Does it seem like I find joy in this? "

"I can't, Emerson. I just can't. "

"Yes, you can. " He persists, his head falling against my thigh again, and he buries his face in it. "You can, baby. You have to forgive me. You have to give me a chance to make it right again. You— you have to. Please. This will never repeat itself. I promise you that every decision I make for the both of us will be by the both of us. I'm willing to do anything, Eva. Just don't take this away from me. Don't take this away from us. "

I bite down on my lips to stop the sobs that urge to break out, keeping my hands glued to my sides to avoid reaching out to him.

Emerson removes his head from my leg to meet my eyes. "Please. " He adds, the one word that's always powerful enough to turn everything around, but not this time.

"We have to. I have to. For my health, and my mentality; I have to. You say you won't do it again, but you will, Emerson. You'll feel that need to make a decision on your own and you'll give into it. A decision that'll end up hurting me. End up—" I take a pause to let out a breath before I continue, "I wish I could tell you that I regretted the day I fell for you. "

His mouth opens but no words slip through.

"But I can't. " I shut my eyes to take away the sight of his face. "I can't say it, because I don't. You made me feel so many things, and it was beautiful. I wish I could tell you that I regret it all, but I can't because you gave me the best moments of my life, Emerson. "

I feel his grip loosening around my legs and then his hands cover mine. He presses his thumb to the back of my palm and I open my eyes as he speaks. "Don't. Because I'll give you so much more. This isn't the end of us, Eva. This isn't the end of Eva Carson and Emerson Ford. It can't be. Our story can't stop here. "

"Emerson, please—" I whimper and he shakes his head, "No, you listen to me, baby. I know I've hurt by doing what I thought was right and I'm sorry for it, but I can't let you end us, Eva. I won't. "

"I don't trust you with my heart anymore. " I tell him and he nods, "Then I'll earn that trust again. I'll show you that it's safe with me. You can take your time to give it, and you can take your time to punish me in any other way you want, but I'm not breaking up with you, Eva. We won't. "

I remove my hand from his and swipe it across my cheek to wipe my tears away before I take a step back, letting his hold fall from me.

"Eva, please. " He pleads in a small voice and I look away from him. "Say the words. Tell me you're not breaking up with me, Carson. Tell me you're not ending me. Tell me you're not taking away the one thing that matters. "

"Stop. " I murmur and his voice comes again. "Then say the words, Carson. "

I look back at him, on his knees and waiting for my response but I don't say what he wants, and I don't follow through with my earlier decision as I step away from him and head inside the house, not daring to take a look back.

My legs threaten to give up as I saunter across the path but I don't give in. Not until I'm in front of the door.

"Baby. " Mom utters as she stands in front of me, no doubt that she has been here for long. She steps to the side and gestures for me to walk in. After clicking on the lock, she turns to me with a warm look in her eyes, "Do you want me to—"

I interrupt her before she can finish her words. "Can you hold me, please? I just need you to hold me, no words. "

"Of course, baby. Of course, I can. " She smiles at me before she trudges closer and brings me into her chest, her hands moving around me. My chest drops shakingly and I move my head against her chest, breathing through my mouth as the image of his face fills my mind. So much hurt and so much sadness. The way his tears didn't stop falling and the way his voice breaks every single time he tries to speak; it hurts my heart. And it doesn't stop hurting. I don't know how we went from being each other's happiness to being the reason for each other's tears, but I just want it all to stop.

I need it to.

EMERSON.

I watch as she walks out into her house and I remain on my knees. Just before her frame completely disappears out of my sight, my eyes meet hers and she finally closes up on me.