I Am The Luna (Moonlight Muse) novel Chapter 17

SEBASTIAN.

The journey home is a blur, and I can’t focus on anything but what happened. The scene replays in my mind like a reel glitching, stuck on the same scene… again and again.

My head feels clouded, and nothing makes sense. It’s almost as if I’m listening to everything through a thick glass.

I’ve run my fingers through my hair a thousand times and even now, as Jai tells me to turn around and bring her home, I can’t hear him properly.

Annalise is silent, her arm now bandaged up and Valerie is sitting there, tight-lipped.

The tension in the car after I snapped at Jai to stop talking about her has been fucking intense.

More than them, I want her back… seeing that fire in her eyes reminded me of the woman who always caught my eye… the fiery queen that I let go…

The passing cars are a blur, and the sound of my heart thudding is loud in my ears.

“Stop it, Jai,” Valerie says coldly. “He doesn’t want her!”

“I know, I’m just-”

“Drop it,” she growls warningly.

I look out of the window, replaying those final moments again and again.

‘I Zaia Toussaint reject you…’

I close my eyes, trying to steady my breathing. The agony within my chest is almost suffocating…

I truly have lost her.

What am I without her?

A heartless Alpha, a foolish man… a madman…

Where did I go wrong?

The darkness of my thoughts suck me in until it's just me and those thoughts…

“We’re home.”

My eyes snap open, and it takes me a second to process Jai’s words.

I glance around. I’m still in the car, it’s still dark outside… I must have fallen asleep without realising.

It’s something that I seem to be doing a lot lately, whether it is getting drunk and crashing or just being so consumed by my thoughts that I fall asleep… but then again, that would happen when I spend the nights tossing and turning as I wonder and think of the woman I stupidly pushed away.

I know I’m a mess, but tonight… tonight I feel like I lost her all over again.

I glance in the back to see both Annalise and Valerie have gone.

“Where are…” I massage my temples.

“I dropped them home first,” Jai says, sighing. “What the hell is going on Seb? What do you want? I mean, you rejected her and then you found her, ran after her and then you left so suddenly, not wanting to spend a minute more there. I’m not Zaia, but even I’m getting fucking whiplash.”

Me too… me fucking too…

“He ordered us to leave his pack immediately and so we did,” I reply curtly. “Even with the men we took, we were on his territory, and I couldn’t afford to risk everything, we were outnumbered,” I mutter, staring at the mansion.

But the truth is I needed to be out of there before I broke down before so many.

My eyes find their way to the bedroom that I have been unable to step into ever since she left. On nights I would come back this late, the light would be on. She’d always be there, waiting.

Even on those nights that I would not return until the morning hours, I’d find her with a book or sitting in bed or on top of the sheets having dozed off - waiting.

She never got into bed unless I was there. The house itself has become a cold, unwelcoming place.

I did this.

The agony of my wolf slips through and I push it away. The fact I’m feeling his emotions means I’m hurting him, too.

Dad still refuses to acknowledge me and is causing problems in all my business ventures, wanting me to fail. Punishing me for what I have done. Then there’s Mom… who won’t even talk to me.

I wish someone could just figure it out. There’s Jai who’s trying to get it out of me, but how do I tell him?

Soon he’ll stop pushing too.

“Seb. Is Zaia - is she safe there? I mean, are you really going to leave her there?” he asks quietly.

“We’re no longer mates. There’s nothing I can do for her, nor do I care where she goes.” I reply coldly. My voice is a lie to how I truly feel inside.

“Even though her twins might be yours, really Seb, who are you kidding?” Jai scoffs, resting his wrist on top of the steering wheel.

“They aren’t,” I reply icily, glaring out at the mansion.

Wait, twins?

For a moment, it feels like the fog clouding my mind lifts and I stare out of the window.

Of course, they are twins… I knew that from the report… then how come I hadn’t even remembered it when I was confronting her… how did I buy that she had an affair? How did I even believe that?

My head’s hurting and I am unable to focus on what Jai’s rambling on about or what the fuck I have said.

“Shut up,” I groan, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“Seb? Man, can you fucking focus?” Jai growls in frustration. “You’re acting like you’re on fucking crack!”

I look up at him, taken aback.

“What, I am fucking focusing,” I growl irritably.

He sighs. “No man, you’re a mess.”

I turn away,

Obviously… I fucked it all up.

“What do you want me to do? Celebrate my fucking losses? I saw my mate walk away with another man after I accused her of cheating on me when… I knew she wouldn’t… but I still fucking said it.” I slam my fist into his dashboard, and he looks at me with concern.

“Yeah, even I don’t get that… can you fucking explain why you’d do that? You practically pushed her into the arms of another man… one who we both know is dangerous.” Jai sighs.

“You know… although you won’t admit it… I know you wanted to find her… that’s why you went, right? To see if she’s there? I mean, I don’t think you’re over her. All night, your eyes were on her, not on Annalise.”

I close my eyes, resting my head against the headrest.

“I know Jai… and I don’t have an answer… I just… I felt it was the right thing to fucking do. At times I feel like I fucking did the right thing, at other times I know I fucking messed it up so badly. I drove her away where I was meant to be protecting her from whatever is out there… I didn’t. I put her at even more risk, and I don’t even know why.” I say.

He doesn’t reply and I open my eyes to look at him and he’s watching me intently.

“What, want to laugh at the fact that I’m a fucking fool?” I scoff. “Well go ahead because I totally deserve it.”

“No… I just… it’s not like you, Sebastian. I was wondering if you’ve somehow been consuming Ashbane?”