Judas kiss novel Chapter 56

When Della heard the first knock.

She quickly composed herself not wanting Spencer to see her like this. Della didn't want to go back in there and see Andre. It just hurt so much. It hurt even more when Amber brought her pregnancy endeavors with her. It reminded Della of all the time she never had with Andre. She wondered how it would have been like if Andre had been there with her throughout all those times..

Would Andre have loved to accompany her to the doctor for her routine checkups? Would he have been excited about having their first child? Would he have held her hand during labor and tell her that everything would be okay?

She couldn't stop comparing her first child experience with everyone else who had a smooth sail with their partner. She will admit that she was beyond jealous.

She was jealous—

Jealous because she never had that.

"Come in?" Della said in a composed voice. Her eyes puffy from crying. All the air left her lungs when she saw a certain 6'2 male blonde entered the cabin suite. She watched him as if it was in slow motion. As he closed the door only for his dazed blue eyes study her from head to toe, as she sat on the bed in the middle of the room. She felt self conscious. He felt as if he was staring at the most beautiful woman in the world. His breath was caught in his throat. It was crazy to think he once had her... beautiful as she is. He once had her with no complications. They were married, he was one lucky bastard who got to see her every evening and wake up next to her every morning. That pestering feeling that?he once?had her and he let her go. Andre had it all with this woman and he let it all go and now she was engaged, promised to another man.

Della had not noticed but now that he was up close and not in the far corner of a room filled with more than a hundred people. She noticed it instantly that he was wearing his wedding suit.

"Are you alright?" He asked, walking to seat beside her on the elegant bed cover.

"I'm fine." Della said almost immediately.

Andre nodded as he noticed the lavish ring on her finger. His heart felt as if it was tightening in his chest. It felt restricted.

"Why did you wear this suit?" She asked him. He hadn't expected her to notice but she did and he didn't have a straight answer when thinking about it.

"I wanted-" he paused. "I wanted to somehow feel the same feeling, I felt that day on the second of May." Andre said their anniversary date. "I wanted to somehow feel like I still have you. That you're going to be wearing my ring instead of his—"

There was silence between them.

"So why did you bring her?" Della asked her voice laced with jealousy.

"I needed a date since I lost my wife because I was stupid. Since I let her go and never got to feel the same way Daniel feels right at this moment." Andre said with a shrug fumbling with his fingers. They both felt the same way about this whole pregnancy guilt.

"I wanted to tell you, I tried." Della said softly.

"I know you did." He responded remembering how she had begged and begged him to give him only two minutes because she had something important to tell him.

"I didn't do it, intentionally Andre. I wasn't asking you to take me back... I just wanted you to know you were going to be a father." Della said in a low voice. "I figured you wouldn't accept Leo because I had cheated—" Andre interrupted.

"You didn't, I know you didn't."

"I get that you would have had doubts about him being yours." She murmured. "I don't blame you." She shrugged.

"When were you going to tell me? If we hadn't met—" He asked her.

"I wasn't." She said firmly. "I always told Leo the truth. I didn't want to lie to him so he would later hate me. I just told him that his father left before he was born. He didn't know that he existed." She sighed. "If he wanted to look for you in the future, I wouldn't have lied to him either. I was going to tell him the truth—"

Andre couldn't imagine that.

"I was going to tell him your name and that you share the same blue eyes and blonde hair. That you have the same habits, you both hate raisins and that... you're a good man and it just didn't work out."

Andre felt guilty.

"I was already absent for six years of his life and I can't imagine if I had missed more only for him to look for me when he is older.."

"Leo loves you regardless." Della said.

"But you don't?" He questioned. Della was quiet as the background music of the orchestra played from afar.

"I do but it doesn't matter."

Andre smiled, hearing her admit that she loved him made him have mixed feelings.

"It does." Andre said quickly taking her left hand in his. "I can't and will likely never ever stop loving you, Adela. I think of you daily sometimes I can't bare it. I dream of you.. I have dreamt of you throughout the years that you had left me. I wondered where you were and if you were okay? Even though I was angry at you. I still love you even when I'm angry. I still love you even if when I don't want to feel anything. I tried really hard trust me, I did. These past seven years, I tried getting over you. Sometimes I'd like to think you have bewitched me. I had you and you showed me heaven, I can't imagine not having you.. it was torture. I can't imagine not being able to say your name out loud and my heart fluttering relentlessly. I love you Adela and if I knew how to get over you. I would, I tried but I'm failing dismally."

Della couldn't hold the tears underneath her eyes.

"I know, what we have is complicated. I wish it wasn't." He said softly as he wiped a tear away from her now rosy cheeks.

"If I told you that all the women I dated after our divorce were Hispanic. It was only because I was trying to find you in them." He sighed. "I won't blame my mother, Adela. I take all the blame and responsibility for everything that happened. You tried to leave so many times and I was just so selfish I wouldn't let you until this finally happened and you got hurt and humiliated all because I was selfish. You made me happy but sometimes I think I was selfish." Andre breathed heavily to show frustration. "I was selfish to see how badly, my mother treated you and how you just chose to ignore and take it because you loved me and wanted to be with me regardless."

Della knew they had to revisit their past and now was probably the time to best do it for closure's sake.

"The truth is, I didn't deserve you. I just never did, you were too good for me. You were pure and innocent and I just fucked that up. Countless times you told me to leave you alone.."

Della laughed with tears in her eyes. She remembered how Andre kept pestering her for just one chance, just one date then he would leave her alone. He would come every day at her workplace and order coffee just so he could see her. Her co-workers told her that she was lucky and that it was a shame on her that she had no idea who the Levetté's were. She remembered when one of them googled Andre and showed her while they were on duty and Andre was seating in his booth in the corner. They had said that he had came earlier but they told him that her shift only started later on. He had to continue ordering just so he could seat there and wait for Della. He didn't know her name for the first couple of weeks. He just always described her as the pretty tan waitress and then everyone who worked there immediately knew that he meant Della. She had even given him a wrong number but felt bad when he came back the kept day, a smile on his face as he told her he wouldn't give up. He didn't—