Love Aint Always Pretty novel Chapter 45

Nazlanmak

- pretending reluctance or indifference when you are actually willing or eager; saying no and meaning yes

Origin: Turkish

45

"What are you doing here?" I closed the door behind me.

He stands from my bed.

"And how'd you get in?" I arched an eyebrow.

"I always have a spare key in this room."

I looked away from him cos the more I look at him, I always remember what he said to Alec. It's getting harder for me and him being here is making me so confused.

"Why are you here Nick?" I demanded but I'm still not looking at him.

"You heard everything?" He asks.

"A while ago?" he added.

I couldn't answer him. My tears are filling up my eyes again. I blink rapidly so I could stop my tears from falling. These are always gonna be tears of hurt caused by Nick. Tears of shame cos of my shameful decisions that I made. I feel shitty about myself cos Nick made me feel shitty.

Nick starts walking towards me and reaches for my hand. I'm still not looking at him. His huge soft hand was holding me, gently squeezing mine. Don't cry Savannah. Don't even try to let that fucking tear fall.

"Savannah." He calls out, almost a whisper.

He exhales deep. "I'm sorry."

"For what this time?" I asked.

I'm pretending not to know what he's actually sorry for even though I know what he's talking about.

"For everything that you've heard a while ago. You don't deserve to hear it." He says.

"You're saying sorry cos you were just being honest to your best friend? What's your sorry for?" I faked a chuckle even though it's killing me.

He holds my right cheek, moving my head to look at him in the eyes. "When Alec asked me if I was planning on loving you. I just couldn't lie."

God why does he want to hurt me this much?

"At least lie to me when you tell me you love me. Lie to me Nick." I broke down and cried harder.

He catches me quickly and hugs me right away. I'm sobbing. I'm crying like a baby. I'm crying against his chest and he's holding the back of my head while his other hand was rubbing the bottom of my spine. He's comforting me but the more he comfort me, the more I feel worst. I've never felt this broken and hurt before.

"I just don't know how to deal with this thing between us. It's getting more and more worst." He says.

I'm crying even more. Shit Savannah I told you not to cry.

"I don't want to hurt you but what I said to Alec was the truth. Im sorry." He adds.

This felt like I was giving him the knife so he could stab me and I'm a fool cos I'm letting him stab me. I'm letting him kill me. I'm letting him hurt me more and more. Deeper and deeper.

"I will never love anyone again." He says.

I exhale heavily.

"Only Catherine." I added.

He nods.

Oh god he's nodding. I don't want him to answer that cos it's only choking me. He doesn't have to answer that. He's holding me even tighter and tighter but all I want is to let go from his tight grip.

"I'm being unfair to you. I'm messing up with your head and your heart. I always hurt you. Always, I know. I'm sorry. I just really like being with you. But every time I'm with you, I'm scared that you're seeing it on a different point of view from mine." He says.

I'm not answering him cos I'm just crying on his chest. I'm not answering him cos I don't know what to say since everything he's telling me is all true. He is being unfair. He is messing up with my head and my heart. He is always hurting me. But I let him do all those things. We always end up like this and it's always me who's getting hurt. Always me who's crying. Always me who's chasing him. Always me. It will always will be me.

"I want you Savannah but I don't want love from you." He added.

Stop Nick. Please. It's already too much.

He exhales. "You know that. I already told you that. I always tell you that."

I'm torn in the in between and I'm so stupid for letting him take so easily whatever he wants from me cos it's what I want too. I'm letting him use me like I'm some toy. I'm letting him have the chance to hurt me cos he can. I'm letting him use me over and over. I'm letting him wait for the day when he'll get tired of using me and of whatever we have now.

I pull myself away from him. "Tell me a lie." I say.

He looks at me.

"Tell me a lie then I'll be okay. It'll make my night a little at ease." I added.

He didn't answer.

"Tell me a lie Nick." I said again.

He exhales as he looks into my eyes

"I love you." he sounded as if he didn't mean it. As if he's forced to say it to me.

We were looking at each other seriously and we were both quiet. It's too quiet that's driving me crazy. I don't know if he meant it but I know it's a lie cos I told him to tell me one. His eyes, every time they look at me, always contradicts to his actions. Both are not the same cos his eyes looked so sincere but the way he treats me and talks to me is the total opposite of it.

I laugh weakly.

"This is pathetic. I'm so pathetic." I say.

He didn't say anything more.

I exhale. "I think I have my own second rule."

"What is it?"

I look into his eyes and he's looking back at me seriously. Why can't we be more than this Nick? Why can't we be just what I thought we could be? We could be perfect for each other.

"We should try to keep it simple." I say.

His eyes bore into me even longer now. He's not even looking away. There goes that look he gives me again that makes me have a doubt. He's acting as if he wants it simple but his eyes tells me that he doesn't. I'm being totally delusional. He still didn't say anything and just kept quiet.

"Just make sure you don't do or say anything to me that sets my hopes up. As long as we both see this as simple as it is, then we can do this." I added.

He nods slowly. "Okay. I won't give you hope for us. I'll keep it simple."

I don't know if I should be happy about it or I should be sad that he's not going to give me hope for us. Gosh I'm hurting myself. I just told him to keep things simple between me and him but I don't want to even though it's for the best. It sounded like we needed to just casually fuck and leave once we get what we want from each other. I just hope it's gonna be easy for me. It's gonna be easy for him obviously but it's gonna take a lot of getting used to. I'm so sure.

"And when it's going to get harder for either of us. We'll end it." I say seriously.

His brows creasing.

"For good." I added.

I can't believe I'm actually the one saying that to him.

"I'm not worried about getting it harder for me cos it's not gonna." He says it so surely.

It's not gonna. Wow Nick, you sure do know how to hurt me and you don't even notice it.

"I'm worried about you." He added

I'm worried about me too but I don't care anymore how long it will last or how bad this will affect me in the end as long as I have Nick and this whatever we have thing that we are doing, I'll be okay. I'll try to be okay and I'll try to be strong for Nick. And for myself.

"I'll be fine. Go now before Tracy comes here and sees us." I say.

He looks at me. "Can I at least kiss you before I leave?"

I laugh softly. "Of course."

He grabs the back of my neck and kissed me. He's kissing me like he's saying goodbye. It's a goodbye to whatever sweet things we did before cos after this it will all change again. It will be plain and simple.

"You still have one last rule." He says.

I nod.

"I still need to think about it." I tell him.

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