Her CEO Stalker and Her Second Chance Mate (Adelaide) novel Chapter 93

Chapter 93

AF

89

“When he did, he was cruel and punishing; it’s almost as if any sanity he had before was cut

free. And I remember the pain coming from deeper within me than the physical pain, which I

barely felt in the moment, like my mind couldn’t handle not just the brutality of it, but

something on a more deeply ingrained level. It felt like fire in my veins objecting at his every

touch, but when I dream, sometimes there is longing under that fire, burning through me with

an ingrained need to submit to it, the cruelty. To fold in the moment, so all the pain will wash

away, I don’t know what it means. This morning I was fine, and now, I feel guilty and dirty;

not about what happened between us, but because you didn’t know the depth of how this all

haunts me, because of the broken part of me conflicted about him.

“It’s as if a part of me wants what it shouldn’t. My head is so messed up right now, and it’s

not fair to you. I want to move on, but I feel like I’ll be forever tied to him. I don’t know what

gave me the strength of mind finally to hide the drugs, and his visits like that, after I did, left

me so numb, broken, everything was wrong, and that underlying feeling of want shifted to

anger. That was the only thing that saved me, paralyzed by the convictions of something I

can’t even begin to understand. It was like something rose up in me and said, ‘get up,‘ or else I

would have still been lying there.

“The problem is, he will haunt every joy I try to find with you. Then I dream, or think of you,

and as much as I want to let it all go, how much I want to feel things as they should be, this

shame and guilt weigh me down, and that’s not fair to you. I know you realize there is trauma,

but I don’t think you understand how dark and twisted it is or how rudimentarily it is

embedded in me. Every day I wake up, not only thankful to still be breathing, but dreading the

next, because it’s all–consuming unless you’re there blocking that shadow, and that’s too much

for me to ask of you. It’s a weight you shouldn’t have to carry, and I need to stop asking you

to do so. Everything you have done for me has been a blessing I hold deep in my heart, but I

understand if all this is too much. I don’t know when, or if, I can ever get past it, as long as he

is out there searching for me. Just knowing he still has breath keeps the mess in my head

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