Justice For Juniper (Tatienne Richard) novel Chapter 145

Gifts

Justice For Juniper

Spilling It Part I

Lucky Draw

Juniper shrugged. “I was telling the truth back there. Everything is happening so fast Everything is so traumatic and overwhelming and moving at the speed of light. I’m feeling like I’m crumbling under this need to be the perfect partner who is not hurting over the loss of fifteen years of a relationship while embarking on a brand–new relationship with three people.”

The three men she was growing to love deeply sat quietly, not pushing her to explain but patiently waiting for her to continue when she was able. Phineas‘ hands still held hers, making small circles on her palm. Beni’s weight sitting where her feet were and Adil’s beside her thigh was comforting. Yet the fear of disappointing them, making them upset with her was weighing heavy.

“I know he’s not who I thought he was but for fifteen years he was my other best friend. He was my world and now suddenly it’s gone. A few things have happened where my first thought was oh man, I need to tell Kyst. When we were flying in and I got my first view of the country, the sea, the port as we flew overhead, I thought I should take a photo because Kyst would be amazed by it. It hurts, you know. It stings. Coupled with this hate I hold for him now, and it’s there, I can’t deny it, there is this really deep sadness and sense of loss.”

“Is that what this is about?” Beni asked softly. “You feel guilty for missing the man he was?”

Spilling It Part I

Lucky Draw

“I miss my best friend. Without all the anger and chaos of what was happening, without the drama, the absence of the good is hitting me. I shouldn’t be feeling anything about him when I’m with you all.”

“You’re allowed to grieve the loss of a relationship you were in for more than half your life, Sunshine.” Beni said quietly. “We’d be worried if you didn’t.”

She pressed her lips together, “I thought once we had sex, once we all made love and went all the way, it would erase all of it. How can I still love him if I can love you all enough to have intercourse with you?”

Phineas gave a small chuckle, “sweetheart, the heart isn’t an absolute thing. Loving someone doesn’t go away simply because you get intimate with someone else.”

“I know this rationally, but I guess in my stupid brain, I was thinking I wouldn’t be able to do one without the other. I always, from the time I was a teenager kept this romanticized view of love and sex and how deeply intertwined they are. When we were growing up, Suki and I were always judging the other girls in school for hopping from bed to bed. I know it was wrong but somehow I felt this superiority because I would never engage in sex with someone I didn’t love. I think the fifteen–year–old version of me in here,” she tapped her chest, “was thinking once we had sex, my love for you would be absolute and the love I felt for him would be gone. I keep hoping each time we’re intimate, it will lessen the ache I feel.”

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Spilling It Part I

Lucky Draw

“And this is making you feel guilty?” Beni asked with a gentle

tone.

She nodded. “My mother and father finding each other with this crazy connection after all these years amplified is smacking me in the face. It was supposed to be me and Kyst like that. I’m not jealous of their love, I’m not. I’m thrilled for them. I’m just so confused how I got it all so wrong and why it still hurts. I saw them together and I knew the man I thought was my husband would be so happy. He would have said it would be us in thirty years, and I would have believed him. Which brings me to wondering how fucking stupid was I? Why can’t I forget him and just be entirely focused on the love I have with you?” the words were quiet as she avoided their gazes.

“Oh, baby girl,” Adil whispered softly as he ran his hand over her thigh, the blanket covering her not quelling the comfort he was offering. “It should have been. It should have been Kyst holding your hand while you found your parents because he was such a huge part of your life for so very long. The fact it is not, isn’t on you for missing it. It’s on him for ruining it. You aren’t going to stop loving him overnight. We know that.”

She blinked in confusion at Phineas‘ words. “What do you mean?”

“You’re allowed to talk about your life with Kyst. We actually have been wondering why it is you’ve not told us anything about your life with him and decided it must be because you’re still hurting so much and you’re not ready.”

She shook her head in disbelief, “you want to hear about the good times I shared with my ex–husband?”

“Did you smile?” Beni asked curiously.

“When you were with Kyst, did you smile?”

“Well yeah. I mean I didn’t walk around like The Joker with a permanent wide smile but yes, I smiled.”

“If you smiled, then we have no problem hearing those stories.”

“Actually,” Phineas spoke brusquely, “even if they are sad stories or angry stories, we’re good with those too. Juniper we want to know everything about you. Kyst has something we don’t have. Fifteen years of experiences with you. He knows you inside and out. If you hide any part of you, the happy, the sad, the good, the bad, whether it’s a memory, an emotion, or a thought, then we lose out on an opportunity to know you.”

“You’re not angry I said I still feel love for him?”

Spilling It Part I

Lucky Draw

Beni shook his head, “nope. As much as we would want for us to be the only love you have, and we’re not going to lie and say it’s not what we want, you can’t help it.”

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