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Throughout the meal, Genesis was aware of how much Kiefer
was trying to keep the conversation flowing, light and easy. He told her stories of when he and Tadgh were boys. He
asked for stories about Egan and her life in Calgary. He fed
her from his plate laughing at her facial expression as each
dish came out with not nearly enough on it to satisfy her.
Their steak and potato dishes held a small stack of thinly
sliced potatoes the size of a votive candle and a piece of
meat which was half the size of the potato stack. When he’d
stuck his fork into the entire entrée, steak and potatoes and
shoved it into his mouth in one bite, she’d laughed hard,
unable to stop herself.
However, for the last several minutes, after her laughing
outburst, he’d been oddly quiet.
“What are you thinking, Kiefer?” she asked after the waiter took their entrée dishes away.
“How much time I’ve lost.”
“Oh.” This was not what she was expecting. She considered perhaps he was thinking of work or business, but this
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gripping the vanity, and staring at himself in the mirror as if he was chastising himself. “What are you doing, Kiefer?”
“Gen, I needed a minute.” His voice was gruff. “Go back to the table. I’ll be out in a minute.” He cleared his throat not meeting her gaze.
“This running off because of your emotions is part of why we got where we are. Stop trying to be the tough guy with me, Kiefer. Stop hiding things from me. Stop leaving me behind!” She moved to stand behind him to look at him in the mirror.
He stared back at her, his eyes reddening and his cheeks a ruddy color. “I fucking missed you, so god damned much, and I hate myself. I hate myself for hurting you. I hate myself for letting our son die. I hate myself for Egan growing up without his twin. Mostly I hate myself for not hearing you and seeing you were in need back then. I want to be selfish and force you to love me again, but I know I don’t deserve it, and I know I don’t have any fucking right to even ask you to spare me a second of your time.”
“Kiefer,” her voice broke.
“I don’t deserve you.”
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“No shit.”
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“I didn’t know I could feel loss the way I feel it. How the fuck did you cope with the pain of losing Roan back then because I’m struggling with it, Gen. It’s killing me the only way I know him is through Egan.” He blinked as fat tears rolled down his cheeks while he looked up to the ceiling, his breathing shaky.
She moved towards him, stepping between him and the vanity, and wrapped her arms around his middle, resting her head against his chest and hearing his heartbeat thundering hard against her ear. She felt his entire body shudder as
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