Chapter 162
MATTHEW
Theo was already awake when I got up.
That was the first unusual thing. Normally I was the one who went to his room at six–forty–five and found him in the intermediate state between sleep and waking, conducting his private morning review of whatever he’d been thinking about the night before. Normally I was the one who initiated the day.
This morning, when I came downstairs at six–thirty, Theo was already at the kitchen table in his pajamas with his red bag open in front of him, sorting through Daniel’s borrowed books with the focused efficiency of someone who had plans and needed to organize before they could begin.
He looked up when I appeared in the doorway.
“I was being quiet,” he said immediately, which told me he’d been aware that being downstairs before me was a departure from routine and had decided to preemptively address it.
“You were,” I said. “I didn’t hear you at all. How long have you been up?”
He considered this with the seriousness he brought to questions about time, which was a concept he was still developing a precise relationship with. “A while,” he said. “I woke up and I wasn’t tired anymore so I came down.”
“Did you sleep okay?”
“Really okay,” he said, and the way he said it–the mild surprise in it, like he was reporting something that had exceeded his expectations–made something shift in my chest. “I didn’t wake up at all. Not even once.”
ked at him for a moment. His hair was still sleep–rumpled and he had a slight crease on his cheek from the pillow and he
ing at the kitchen table at sixty in the morning sorting dinosaur books with the energy of someone who’d woken up
d the day worth gettin
ed lighter than he
ixed. I wasn’t
ef, about the
pressing on
I made
He
word, not after everything Dr. Fisher had taught me about the non–linearity of and backward and sideways all at once. But lighter. Like something that had been weight overnight.
d listened to him talk.
golden retriever had apparently occupied significant space in his thinking overnight, and the ed yesterday had been refined overnight into something considerably more detailed. He’d saurs he would bring, which ones were approp
eping away from home versus which
ld tell the difference between
r usual positions, and he had questions abou ur figures or whether they just saw them all
ncern,” I said, turning the eggs. “I’d keer
he same thing,” Theo said, with the relie nitely stays home. But the smaller ones
approach.”
he said, “Daniel said Biscuit knows
s an impressive skill.”
at reasoning had been validated. “The
andshake. With his paw.
now. I’ve never shaken h
n his experience with the same seriousness he brought to
alt
Chapter 162
+25 Bonus
all genuine gaps. “I think I’ll be good at it. I’m good at handshakes.”
He was, actually. He’d decided at some point in the past year that handshakes were important and had practiced them with me until he’d developed a grip that was firm without being aggressive and was accompanied by appropriate eye contact. Bianca had laughed the first time she’d seen him deploy it on a pack member at a formal function, that particular laugh she had when something delighted her more than she’d expected.
I plated the eggs and brought them to the table and sat across from him and we ate, and he talked, and I listened, and it was so close to normal that I had to work to stay in it rather than hold it at arm’s length the way I’d learned to hold good things recently, afraid of what it cost when they ended.
Just have it, Dr. Martinez had told me, more than once. Just let yourself be in the good moment without auditing it. The audit comes afterward and it will tell you the same thing: it was good. That’s enough.
I was in it. I was trying.
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