Now and Forever novel Chapter 50

She died.

My mom- my birth giver, died.

She deserved so much respect than I gave her the day of her funeral. Everyone was crying but me. Who even does that?

She died and I've been trying so hard to avoid that fact.

But it's the truth and I have to accept it.

Last week's... event.. was well.. horrible.. and it made me realize how much I would've needed my mom if he finished what he'd started but she isn't here. She's gone.

Why did I try so hard to avoid feeling the grief and pain that came along with her death you may ask? It's because I wanted to be strong for everyone one else; dad, Sophie and even Bella.

I hadn't even realized I was crying until Lucas wiped what seemed like a tear off my cheek and smiled when I looked at him. He really was the cutest little thing in the world..

Why would anyone want to leave- abandon him just like that? The world is really full of horrible people..

Alexander has been.. supportive? He comes home from work and ask if 'I'd eaten anything' to which I'd reply with a 'yes' or a nod, he'd also ask if I 'needed anything from the store' and if I did I'd tell him or if I didn't I would say no.

That's it. Those are the only sentences he'd say to me. He'd also keep an eye on Lucas while I had a little time to myself for things like cooking -not really my own time but still helps when a two year old isn't clinging too your leg- showering and cleaning.

He wouldn't look at me- okay not in the way I would want him to look at me..

He wouldn't look below my neck when talking to me and that really made me insecure. Like, was I getting fat already??? Was I not sexy anymore- I don't know if I ever was but you get the point!

Back to Alexander... he would go to work after I'd woken up and would come back before I went to bed. It was kind of sweet but I still felt lonely. All I had was Lucas, I hadn't even told Bella about him because I don't think Alexander would want that- I'll only tell her when he says it's okay.

I wonder when that'll be...

"Milia?" Lucas looked down, suddenly looking all shy and nervous, "Hmm?" I lifted him up and put him in my lap, stroking his hair when he'd gotten comfortable.

"Are you my mommy?" What? Hold on- pause. Repeat??

What do I say?? Should I say yes? What if Jessica comes back?? Should I say no? What if I break his little heart?? Oh god... what do I do???

The door opened -thank god- and I pulled my attention away from Lucas as did he. And as expected, Alexander walked in and my heart sped up. I have some serious problems...

"Did you have lunch?" Hello to you too.. I nodded, "did you take your vitamins?" That's a new one.. I nodded again.1

He curtly nodded and walked off somewhere into the closet. I was literally wearing a tube top and he didn't look down one bit... I wore this obnoxiously uncomfortable top for no freaking reason.

Maybe I really was not 'sexy' anymore.. but do I care what he thinks? Oh hell no! Let him try being pregnant.. okay, who am I trying to convince? I obviously care what he thinks when he looks at me.

Damn, loving someone really is painful... wait- NO. Did I just- holy shit! Oh my god oh my god oh my god- what the actual fuck?!

"Milia?" Lucas brought me back from my internal battle, "yes?" I tried to suppress the fact that I just said the 'l' word and continued stroking his hair.

"Are you my mommy?" He didn't forget? What am I supposed to tell him now? I looked at the door, waiting for some kind of distraction but it never came.

"No Lucas, I'm not you're mommy, Jessica is," his face fell and his lip started quivering, "but I'm your mama," I smiled when a huge grin spread across his cute face, a huge dimple appearing on his cheek.

There's really no difference between those two words but he's two, he doesn't know any better...

The door opened and as if Lucas knew what was coming next, he crawled off my lap and got on the floor- with my help of course- Mingo secured in his arm.

When they left, I sighed and fell back on the bed.

Should I call Bella? Yes- no? I'm gonna call her.

"Hello?" She sounded breathless when she picked up the phone after three rings, "I love him," why did it feel so wrong yet so right to say that out loud?

"Pardon- would you just wait a second!" She shouted at someone else before returning her attention back to me, "you what?"

"I think I love him," I sighed and rolled over to my side, "you think or you know- stop it!"

"Err... are you busy? I can call-"

"I'll be there after work!" she announced, "wait no- hello?" I sat up when the line went dead.

This is not good. This is not good at all. She's going to see Lucas. What if Lucas does not want to be seen? What if Lucas's father doesn't want him to be seen? Oh god.

The doorbell rang and my ears perked up at this. There's no way Bella could have been here in 5 minutes.

"Alexis? What-"

"Nice top, really like your baby bump as well."

"Okay then... hi-"

"Aren't you going to invite me in..?" I sighed and opened the door wider for her to come in, "what're-"

"Did you guys buy new furniture? It really-"

"Alexis-"

"I really like this vase, can I have it?"

"What? No-"

"But you guys have so many," she whined as she made her way to the kitchen, me following behind, "fine! You can have it, what are-"

"Do you have-"

"Alexis!" What is up with her??

"Hmm?" She replied but continued rummaging through the fridge, "what are you doing here?" I asked quickly before she interrupted me again.

"Oh I live here now," she said oh so casually and took out the milk, "what-"

"Why do you guys have so many colorful divided plastic plates-"

"You can't just-"

"You have sippy cups as well? I've always wanted to use a sippy cup-"

"You can't!" I rushed over to her side and took the yellow cup out of her hand and put it back where she'd gotten it.

"Lucky Charms!"