The Accidental Wife (Emily and Julian) novel Chapter 139

Chapter 139
“How are you feeling, Rosie?” my therapist asks me. She always asks me this question. Usually, I can interpret my feelings into words, but today, I can’t do it. I don’t know how to explain to her that I have never felt this confused in my entire life.
“I’m puzzled and perplexed. I thought when I first got out of the accident that I had reached the ultimate level of confusion, but I guess what I’m feeling now is way more confusing.” I do my best to express how I’m feeling.
“What’s making you confused?” she asks and I take a deep breath.
“Silas has been hanging out with another girl,” I start, looking at her for a second before looking down again. “I’m not supposed to feel jealous or upset, but… I do.” I raise my head to look at her again.
“But didn’t you say that you weren’t sure of your feelings for him?” she wonders and I nod. “Then why do you feel jealous?”
“I think I made a terrible mistake.” I sniff, trying to prevent myself from crying even though she has made it pretty clear that this is a safe place for me to cry. “Leaving Silas was one of the worst mistakes of my life, and I hate that it took me seeing him with another girl to realize that.”
“And what do you want to do?” she asks.
“What I want to do is knock on his door and apologize. I want to tell him that I want to be with him again and I want to give us a genuine chance this time, but I can’t do that.” My tears betray me as they roll down my cheeks.
“Why can’t you do that?” She sets her pen
down as she looks at me.
moment before my eyes move to the plant placed in one of the corners I tilt my head back, staring at the plain ceiling for a moment before my eyes move to the plant placed in one of the corners of the room. I have always like the décor of her office. It makes me feel at ease and comfortable.
“Because I hurt him enough and it doesn’t feel right to jump back into his life once he is starting to move on. What kind of person would I be? I can’t do that to Silas. He doesn’t deserve that at all. I want him happy and if… if his happiness means that he should be away from me, then I will stay away from him.
I don’t want to stay away from him. When he held me in the hallway after I told him I remembered something, I wanted to hold onto him as long as I could. I didn’t want him to let me go.
“Sometimes, things don’t go our way in life, Rosie, and I know that it’s hard, but we need to learn to accept whatever happens. We’re not in control of everything,” my therapist tells me and I wipe my tears.
of my stupidity,” a sob escapes me even though I’m trying to calm “The thing is, I was in control once, but I lost it because of my stupidity,” a sob escapes me even though I’m trying to calm myself down. “I wish I could turn back time.”
“You can’t, though, and what we need to work on now is come to terms with your new reality,” she tells me. Her tone is soft but her words are bullets penetrating my heart and chest.
“I remembered something new and… guess what? Silas is part of it too. When I woke up with that memory in my head, the first thing I did was rush to his place. I had this image in my head I thought he was going to hug me tightly, and celebrate with me, but he didn’t open the door for me. Maisie did. And when I saw her, everything crumbled before my eyes.”
“Did you tell him that you remembered something?” she asks and I nod.
“I didn’t tell him in front of Maisie. He took me to the hallway when I refused to get inside his apartment. When I told him, he had the biggest smile on his face and hugged me like usual.” I sadly smile when I remember his reaction. “I said something to him and he told me that Maisie wasn’t his girlfriend. I’m not gonna lie, I was relieved, but… I have a feeling that it’s only a matter of time.”
“So if she’s not his girlfriend, what’s stopping you?” she wonders, resting her back against her dark brown chair.
Chapter 139
+5
“He is moving on. I can’t just walk into his life and tell him I want him back and I have a boyfriend… I need to break up with him. I don’t feel comfortable in our relationship, but I can’t just go back to Silas the moment I break up with Everest,” I say. My heart is already beating fast.
“What makes you uncomfortable with Everest?”
“Maybe the fact that he’s not the one he once was before we started officially dating. He always wants things his ways. He’s always interested in my family. He sometimes mocks my interests. He wasn’t like that. Maybe he was like that when we were friends, but I cannot remember,” I reply, playing with a pen I found in front of me.
“Do you feel safe around Everest?” she asks.
“I don’t think he would hit me, but emotionally, I don’t feel safe around me. I constantly feel like I need to defend myself and my actions. Relationships shouldn’t be like that.” I rub my forehead. I don’t know when things may calm down, but I really can’t take it anymore.
“Listen, Rosie. I don’t really trust Everest, so maybe when you break up with him make sure that you have somebody you trust in the same place as you or at least close to you,” my therapist suggests. The first person who comes to my mind is Silas, but I don’t want to bring him into this.
I can easily ask my dad. He is going to be there for me in a heartbeat, but I don’t want to bring my parents into this either. When I told them I started dating Everest, they weren’t thrilled, but they said that as long as I was happy, they were happy for me. I wasn’t happy when I told them and I’m not happy now. I haven’t been happy in a while.
Maybe I can ask Sabrina or even Knox. I haven’t talked to Knox in a while, but I know that he’s a great friend. He makes Sabrina happy and she always tells me that he is a great boyfriend.
“I think I can do that. Better safe than sorry.” I smile a little. “What do you think I should do?”
“I think you need to learn to discover yourself on your own. I want you to spend a day by yourself, but not inside your apartment. I want you to go out and do something you love. When you come back, write down how you felt throughout the day,” she replies and I nod. Maybe I need to do that. Maybe I need to be alone for a while.
After I leave her place, I call Kendall to catch up with her. I haven’t spoken to her in a week and that hasn’t been the case before.
Perhaps I need to stop comparing my life now with how it once was before. I need to accept that things cannot stay the same
anymore.
On my way back home, I head to the supermarket to get a few things I need. I don’t know why fate loves playing games with me, but while I’m filling my cart with the groceries I need, I find Silas in the same supermarket.
I don’t understand why I always bump into him. It’s like there’s a magnet that pulls me towards him.
“Hello there, neighbor,” he cheerfully says when he notices me. Is that all that I am to him now? Just a neighbor?
“Hi, Silas.” I smile at him, but my smile doesn’t reach my eyes.
“What’s going on?” he asks, probably sensing with his inner radar that something is wrong. hate that he knows me so well. “Nothing. I just had a session with my therapist and it was a heavy one,” I tell him, putting something random in my cart. “Rosic, there are raspberries in this.” Silas frowns, taking the item out of my cart. I’m allergic to raspberries. “I’m not paying attention.” I shake my head.
“I can tell,” he says. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to take you home after we’re done grocery shopping. I want to make sure you’re okay,” he tells me. I don’t have enough energy in me to argue with him, so I just nod.
09:13 Fri, Oct 25 @
Chapter 139
“You don’t usually go grocery shopping. What brings you here?” ask, pushing my cart.
“Maisie is coming over tomorrow and we’re going to cook togetlier, so I’m just getting the ingredients.” My heart breaks at his words. I wonder if we used to cook together.
“You seem to be spending a lot of time with her.” I sincerely hope my tone doesn’t show the jealousy I’m feeling.
+5
“She is responsible for the account of our team and I help her with organizing everything. Not just me now, because the co- captain helps her too. We’ve gotten pretty close to each other,” he casually says. Silas seems to be doing better and I guess should thank Maisie for that. She has been a great addition to his life. An addition he needs to get over what I have done to him.
“She is really nice and pretty.” I smile up at him as our eyes meet for a moment before I look away.
“Maybe we can all hang out one day,” Silas suggests. I don’t think I have this kind of strength in me. I can’t be in the same place as the girl he has been spending tike with. I already have a feeling where their relationship is going and I need to teach myself to bear seeing them together. But I can’t just spend time with them. Not in the beginning at least.
“Maybe,” I lie with a smile that I hope is convincing enough.
I know that this is all my doing and I have to bear the consequences of my choices. I just don’t think I’m strong enough to bear them.