The Alpha novel Chapter 9

A week had passed since I shifted. I haven’t seen Alpha Derek since and it’s been torture for my wolf.

Beta Mallory would take me three times a day to get food. He would talk to me, even when I didn’t verbally respond to him, he still kept the conversation going. I was starting to warm up a little to him, except a few days ago I had a small episode. He said it was a side effect of my trauma that I went through, he claimed it was hypervigilance mistrust.

I was, and still am, deeply embarrassed by it. Beta Mallory defended my incident by saying it was okay and understandable. I didn’t believe him. It was humiliating to me.

Doctor Reseda made an appointment for me to go see her during the week for a checkup and Beta Mallory took me. He was asked to step-out for parts of the check-up. One of my worst fears came true when she was checking on my bruises and cicatrices- she found my wrist.

She became a little speechless when she found them. Especially the fresher ones. She told me of the jeopardy I was putting myself in, as the cuts were ‘dangerously deep’. I mustered up what little courage I possessed and pleaded with her to not mention it to Alpha Derek. She told me she couldn’t, that he had to know as it was her duty to inform him.

Therapy is what she insisted on.

She went over my wolf with me and I learned about mind link, shifting, and other things. She also gave me information on mates when I shyly asked. I then knew why Alpha Derek seemed to be able to read my mind. She told me there was a mental block I would have to put up if I didn’t want him in my head. I was taught about marking, mating, heat, and how we would be able to feel the strong and most evident emotions in each other.

I was gaining weight very slowly according to Doctor Reseda. I think I went up two pounds. She was confused and did a few more tests and then I was able to leave. She also noted my stuttering has gotten better.

One night, Beta Mallory and I were having dinner. I was barely eating and he was talking to me. He asked me why I slept on the floor instead of the bed. For a while, I didn’t answer him and silence filled the room. Slowly I gave him my answer, piled with blunders. It was because that’s what I was used to. He just nodded.

Now I lay, burdened with insomnia. For a moment I debated on getting the sleeping pills Doctor Reseda gave me when she learned I wasn’t sleeping at night. She, just as Beta Mallory, said it was due to my trauma.

I decided not. An urge for exploration filled me. For a while, I laid there and ignored the urge, but then my wolf started to beg.

Grudgingly I got up and put on a pair of socks before walking out. I didn’t feel too self-conscious about my attire as I was wearing long pajama pants and a long-sleeved shirt.

'Long, covering clothing never stopped anyone before...'

I quietly, aimlessly walked through the halls of Alpha Derek’s house. It was dark and the only noise was the soft scraping of my sock covered feet against the wooden floor. I peacefully walked downstairs and proceeded to pointlessly stroll.

Dark thoughts soon invaded my mind and struck a panic in me. Briskly I walked back upstairs and was going to head straight back to my room, but it seemed my feet had a mind of their own.

They took me down halls and stopped in front of a big brown door. Alpha Derek's office. I lifted my fist to knock but paused.

...What if he doesn’t want to see me?...

I let out a shaky breath. I went to knock but suddenly the door opened. I wasn’t expecting that and I just about hit the chest that was in front of me, instead, a hand grabbed my wrist.

'Not like you would’ve done any harm, weakling.'

I steadily raised my brown orbs to his blue ones. Once more, I blame the ‘mate pull’ for enough confidence to look in his eyes.

“Why are you up?” His voice was cold and mean.

To no surprise, I couldn’t speak to him, my voice vanished to the back of my throat.

'Where Chris’s dick’s been? Slut…'

I couldn’t help as I cringed, my eyebrows scrunching up.

“What’s the face for?” He inquired, “and fucking answer.” He growled when I made no attempt to tell him as I just whispered a shaky ‘sorry’.

How could you tell someone about the voices in your head? You couldn’t, I would feel beyond judged and after my episode, I wasn’t looking for any more attention or stares.

He let out a deep, frustrated sigh and dropped my wrist. I brought them to the front of my abdomen and started to nervously twiddle them together.

Alpha Derek moved and opened the door wider and demanded I enter his office. I obeyed and again, he demanded I sit while he shut the door.

I sat down and he casually walked over to his desk and took his spot in his chair.

“Violet, Violet…” he tsked, trailing off and my mind flashed to Alpha Chris. He always did that right before I got into trouble.

I was back. I was in Alpha Chris’s office.

He was tsk-ing my name. I started crying knowing that I was to be severely punished. My right hand found my left wrist and started to anxiously wringing it. Through my teary peripheral vision, I watched Alpha Chris get up and rapidly stalk towards me.

He reached out and grabbed me and I screamed. I shouted for help, and I tried to push myself away from him.

“A-alpha C-Chris…” I sobbed. I blubbered and cried for him to get away from me, but then he reached out.

“Violet!” He shouted and I flinched trying to back away from him. I was begging for him to stop, to not hurt me, to not touch me. But he grabbed me.

“Flower!” His voice changed. “It’s Derek, you’re fine. Chris isn’t here.”

I brought my hands to my eyes and tried to rid them of my tears. They didn’t entirely disappear, but it made my sight better, less blurry.

Crouching down in front of me wasn’t Alpha Chris. It was Alpha Derek.

My breathing slowed down to a normal rate and I took in what just happened.

Another episode.

'You’re a fucking embarrassment.'

I was demeaned. Disgusted. Appalled. Shamed. Nothing but an ignominious, broken girl.

I didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted to go cry and cut.

I made to get up and leave but Alpha Derek called me.

“Violet, sit.” He commanded me to do so, he used his alpha voice. I wouldn't-couldn’t object.

I sunk back into my seat and my nails started to scratch my wrist. A habit when I couldn't nick myself with an actual tool.

Alpha Derek instantly grabbed my hand in a tight hold.

“Look at me.” He growled. I brought my teary eyes to his hard ones. “Don’t you ever fucking do that.”

He yanked my wrist towards him and pushed my sleeves up so they revealed my self-inflicted cicatrices.

I yanked them back, but no result was formed, his grip only tightened. My eyes were rapidly blinking to clear tears as I looked at him.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to hide. I’ve already read Reseda’s report.” He pushed my wrist back and stood up to lean against his desk, all the while my eyes were glued to his.

“Insomnia, the disorder in which one has difficulties falling and -or- staying asleep.” He defined although I already knew what it meant. Maybe not word for word but Reseda told me and I learned over the years. “Is that why you’re up?” I timidly nodded.

“And you came here? At…” he leaned back and looked at the clock on the side of the wall, “two o’clock in the morning.”

I had nothing to say. Maybe I was being rude by staring at him, but my gaze didn’t leave.

“Yet- somehow in that silent mind of yours, you knew I was in my office.” He had no clue how loud my mind was. Or maybe he did and wanted to jab at it.

He crossed his arms. “You’re awfully silent. Some are silent until they’re under me- then they’re screaming for more” A frown made its way onto my face at his comment.

I couldn’t help as my eyes watered, I felt like such a baby but it hurt and I couldn’t help it.

I was hurt that he was talking about other girls he had in bed. My voices were calling me a hypocrite, the fact I was hurt for him having lovers when I wasn’t a virgin. Deep down I knew they were wrong. I had no lover, I was violated. But I was no virgin, so why should he be?

...Would he still mark me?...

“I have no intention.”

That stung. My eyes were so blurry

'No one wants damaged goods.'

'Even though nothing about you is good…'

“W-why?” I whispered.

“Why?” He chuckled. “Why? Why would I mark you? Hmm, let’s see, why?” He pretended to think, tapping his chin deridingly.

My eyes fell from his face, pain filling my system, anticipating his next words. Yet, I knew what was coming.

“Why would I want you? You’re a damaged flower. You’re weak. Now- when you look at me, you can see, I am not weak. I am not frail, I am not skeleton-like.” Tears sprung at my eyes and he continued. Please don’t cry, I knew it was coming because of how blurry my eyes were.