Accidental Surrogate for Alpha novel Chapter 162

Ella

“Dominic, what are you talking about?” I ask, shocked beyond belief by his last statement. Any tiredness I’d been feeling after my long, emotionally draining, day dissipated the moment Sinclair claimed responsibility for the war. Just in case, I push myself up into a sitting position so that I can’t be lulled unwillingly to sleep by my crafty mate.

Sinclair takes a deep breath, not quite meeting my gaze. “If I hadn’t called that press conference, if I hadn’t publicly accused him of treason, none of this would have ever happened.”

For a moment I ponder this, testing it for validity. I don’t want to invalidate Sinclair’s feelings, so I’ll consider his statement and give him my honest assessment. Unfortunately for him, it doesn’t take long for me to come to the opposite conclusion. “That’s ridiculous.” I object, apparently forgetting my intention not to invalidate him. “Dominic, if you hadn’t called the conference then the press was going to firebomb your campaign in the morning. We would have lost and he would have come to power anyway. You did everything in your power to prevent that from happening.”

“Yes, but if we’d just let them run the story and accepted the consequences of our lies, he wouldn’t have needed to stage a violent coup, he simply would have won the election. The King, the Alpha council and the Elders would all still be alive if I hadn’t tried to beat him at his own game.” Sinclair reasons miserably, shifting my body off of his so that he can sit up as well. To my immense hurt, he turns his back to me, though I know he’s only acting out of his own guilt and shame.

“We couldn’t have known what would happen, my love.” I state gently, crawling up behind him and massaging his broad shoulders.

“No, I should have known!” Sinclair exclaims. “I knew what Damon was – I knew what he was capable of. I let my anger and hatred get the better of me and lashed out instead of using my head.”

“And tell me. What would using your head have looked like?” I demand, hoping that working through the logic will show him that we did the best we could with the information we had. “We were between a rock and a hard place, you were trying to protect your family and your people. What were we supposed to do in that situation?”

“I should have killed him when I had the chance.” Sinclair grumbles. “I would have lost the throne but at least all of the people he’s murdered and tortured would still be here. It didn’t have to be me.” He shakes his head, his hands curling into fists. “It was my fucking pride, my ego – thinking it was my duty and mine alone. Trying to fulfill my father’s unfinished work.”

The depth of Sinclair’s anguish sends me reeling, and suddenly I realize why he’s been shielding so many of his feelings from me since we arrived. I thought he was protecting me from his stress, and then his guilt for my own plight, but it was so much more. He wasn’t just blaming himself for bringing me into his world… he was blaming himself for the entire war. My wolf begins to howl in my head, and I have to fight back tears. I can’t make this about me. If he thinks I’m upset by his pain, he’ll shut it away again and focus on comforting me, and I will not allow that. My brave, selfless mate is suffering, taking the entire world on his shoulders and raking himself over the coals simply because he tried to do right by his people.

Taking a deep breath, I try to make my voice firm and even. “You did the best you could with the information you had.” I begin, proud of my steady tone. “None of us could ask for any more from our leaders –”

“Good intentions don’t negate all the pain, death and chaos I caused!” Sinclair interrupts, surging up from the bed and abruptly ending my massage. “I could have done more. I could have worked harder, been better, smarter! It didn’t have to be this way.”

My temper is straining now, because not only is this twisted logic harming my mate, but it simply isn’t fair. “Maybe you’re right.” I snap suddenly, surprising us both. “Maybe you do have an ego problem, because if you think that you’re so powerful and all-knowing that you could have stopped all this on your own, then you’re clearly delusional.” I climb out of bed, following my brooding Alpha. “Stop giving yourself so much credit, Dominic. You weren’t alone in this. Where was the Alpha council, the elders when Damon was campaigning? This government is supposed to have all these checks and balances, and you still ended up out on a limb, and it wasn’t because you were the only one who could. You were alone because no one else had the balls to stand up to him!”

“They didn’t act because I didn’t share what I knew!” Sinclair argues, glaring at me with barely contained ire. “If I had gone to them with my concerns then maybe we could have stopped this.”