Chasing His Kickass Luna Back novel Chapter 45

Abby

“Adam… Are you cheating on me?”

The anticipation of what Adam is about to say feels like a giant pit in my stomach. He stares down at his hands, his fingers worrying each other in the dim light of the bar.

“Abby,” his voice starts with a tremor, “I’m not cheating on you. I would never do something like that. Not to anyone, and especially not to you.”

The sound of the soft jazz music I’ve got playing on the speakers almost seems to die down, replaced by a poignant silence. I’m a little relieved, but not completely. In an odd way, I think that I almost wish he was cheating on me. It would make things easier. But now, I think that it must only be an even more complicated explanation, and whatever it is, I’m not sure if I’m ready for it.

“What is it, then?” I ask. Every fiber of my being is attuned to him, waiting.

Adam hesitates for a moment, raking a hand through his hair, a gesture I’ve come to associate with his nervousness.

“I’m not into women.”

His words crash over me like a tidal wave. I struggle to keep my composure, trying to grasp what he’s just admitted. My mind goes blank, and then rushes in with a barrage of thoughts.

Confusion, hurt, and disbelief lead the charge.

“You’re… gay, Adam? And you knew all this time?”

Adam nods slowly. I feel like I’m drowning. “You knew all this time, and yet you still put a ring on my finger,” I murmur, shaking my head in disbelief. This has got to be some kind of sick dream. “Why did you get together with me so quickly, then?”

After a moment of tense pause, Adam speaks. “I got together with you so quickly because...” He sighs, his voice barely above a whisper. “...It made my family happy. It was a way to keep my secret buried deep.”

A lump forms in my throat. Tears well up, threatening to spill. “But why me, Adam?” I croak out. “Why would you do this to me, of all the people in the world?”

He takes a shaky breath, his gaze filled with remorse. “It wasn’t planned, Abby. When we met, I was lost. The pressure from my family was suffocating. Being with you, it gave me an escape. Our friendship, our moments... they all felt genuine. But as things progressed, it became about maintaining a lie. A lie I trapped myself in.”

I feel sick. “That’s not fair,” I mutter, blinking away the tears that threaten to come. “You toyed with me.”

Adam sighs deeply. “I know it’s not fair,” he murmurs. “And I know it’s shitty of me. I realize that now. But I guess throughout our relationship, I just kept telling myself that I could be happy with you. That even though I wasn’t sexually attracted to you, you made me laugh and smile and you’re my best friend. I thought that I could get over the other stuff and just spend my life with someone who makes me happy.”

The bar around us fades, and it’s just the two of us in our bubble of truth and revelations. He’s vulnerable, and as much as I want to rage at him, I find myself filled with a strange understanding. Not acceptance, but an understanding of the chains society can wrap around someone, chaining them to expectations and norms.

He’s still speaking, words tumbling out. “I’m so, so sorry, Abby. I’ve been untruthful, and you didn’t deserve any of this. I care about you, deeply. But not in the way you should be cared for. Not in the romantic way you deserve.”

I rub the heel of my hand into my eyes, trying to stem the tears. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I whisper, pain evident in my voice. “Why let it go on for so long without so much as a hint?”

His eyes are glistening, mirroring my own emotions. “Fear,” he chokes out. “I was afraid of losing you, of losing the one person who made me feel normal.”