384 Permission To Hope
(Winona)
“It is positive, Winona. You are pregnant.”
The words echo inside my pounding head, sending shock waves through me. My vision blurs, the walls close in. I can’t breathe, can’t think. This can’t be real.
I feel tears on my cheeks but I’m so far away from reality right now. My anxiety has taken over. I clutch my chest and my breath won’t come out of my lungs so I can take another breath in.
“Winona, focus on my voice,” Klara says gently, her hands on mine. “Breathe. In… and out. Slowly.”
I try to follow her instructions, her calm voice guiding me through each breath. It’s hard. I just want to run away. Gradually, the panic recedes, leaving me feeling raw but steady.
She reaches into her bag again, pulling out a small vial. “Here. This will help. passionflower and lavender. Just breathe the scent in.”
I inhale the soft, calming scent, feeling it ground me as it fills my lungs. The tension in my chest loosens, and I look at Klara, grateful beyond words.
“Thank you,” I whisper, barely able to speak past the lump in my throat.
She nods, her eyes understanding. “It is a lot to take in. But know that you do not have to carry this alone, yes? I am here to listen. I will not judge. We are all human.”
Something in her words breaks through my fear. “There’s… there’s a lot to think about. To figure out.”
“I’m here as long as you need.”
“I–don’t even know where to start,” I mumble, but then it all comes tumbling out. “It’s like… I never expected this, you know? When I was told I’d never be able to carry another baby… it shattered me.”
I pause for a second.
“But somehow, I made peace with it. I told myself that Abby was a miracle. I was lucky. But now…” I trail off, a fresh wave of fear rushes over me.
Klara’s quiet, giving me space to breathe, her eyes warm and understanding. “Go on, dear,” she says softly. I look away, forcing myself to continue. “What if I get my hopes up? What if I start to imagine a future, only to have it ripped away? The doctors told me the chances are next to nothing.”
Klara’s face is gentle but serious. “There is no real way not to feel hope.”
I nod, swallowing. “I already love this baby, Klara, I can feel it,” I admit, feeling my throat tighten. “And that scares me because if I lose it… I’m not sure I can go through that. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”
Klara reaches across the table, resting her hand on mine. “What you’re feeling is perfectly natural, Winona.”
“It’s not just that. If I go too far along… if the baby goes close to a safe delivery time but I still lose the baby, then I’ll have to deliver. I’ll have to hold a baby I’ll never get to raise. And that idéa–it’s unbearable.”
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364 Permission To Mope
+25 BONUS
Klara’s hand tightens over mine, her gaze firm. “No one can predict the future. We only take one step, then the next.”
“And on top of all that, there’s a very slight chance Jayden might not be the father.” I shake my head.” This is such a mess.”
“You must be kind to yourself.”
I look up at Klara, nerves prickling under my skin. “How soon can I find out how far along I am?”
Klara’s expression is calm, reassuring. “We can get an idea through blood tests–they’ll show us certain markers that indicate roughly how far along you might be.” She pauses, studying me. “But a more precise answer would come from an ultrasound.”
The thought of doing the first ultrasound without Jayden makes my heart ache. “I can’t do that alone,” I admit, almost whispering. “Not without Jayden.”
Klara nods, understanding flickering in her eyes. “Of course. The blood test will be sent to a lab and give us some answers, but it takes time. And as for the other matter…” She hesitates, her gaze steady but
serious.
“The…the paternity?”
“Yes. Viktor arranged for your samples to go to the same lab Gus used–they have Jayden’s DNA profile on file. It’s the most discreet way.”
I let out a shaky breath, relief mixing with my fear. “How long will it take?”
“We can expedite it, but it will still take a few days,” she says gently. “These things take time. I know waiting is difficult.”
My hands start to tremble, and I clutch them together to steady myself. “I just… I need to know as soon as possible. But thank you. Knowing that it’s in motion helps.”
“Let’s get those blood samples and then I have some herbal tea here I grew myself. That will help you.” “Winona, I want you to start focusing on caring for yourself, for this baby,” she says. “I know how hard this is, but there are ways we can support your body holistically, along with the medical advice you receive. Every little bit helps.”
“How… how would that even work? I mean, how can I keep this baby safe?”
Klara places a reassuring hand on mine. “There are many approaches we can use together–nutrition, gentle herbal remedies, rest, meditation. And we can work with your doctors to complement their advice, using the strengths of both.”
The flicker of hope burns in my chest. “So… there is a chance? Even with everything the doctors have said?”
She nods. “Winona, Mother Nature surprises me daily. You are now on a journey, one step at a time. We focus on helping you reach each new milestone, gradually. But you must feel you are worth it.”
“I just… I think about Henry, you know? He was so tiny, and he came so early.” I pause, swallowing hard.” His mother was kept on life support just so he could survive inside her for as long as possible. I never thought…” My voice trails off as a lump forms in my throat.
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