I Swear I Still Hate Him (Atlas Lawson) novel Chapter 145

Chapter 145

Emery POV

“What?” I breathed, eyes wide like he’d just asked me to move to Mars with him.

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“Move in with me,” Atlas repeated, and his eyes didn’t blink. Didn’t flinch. Like he needed me to see how serious he was.

My throat tightened.

“No.” The word came out quiet, shaky.

I stood up too fast, panic spiking, and started pacing like moving my feet would help my brain catch up.

“I… I can’t.”

“Why?” he asked, voice low but steady.

I stopped and turned to look at him, my hands twisting nervously in the sleeve of my robe.

“B-because…” I started, but the truth jammed in my throat like a rock.

Because staying with you would intensify everything I feel.

Because staying with you would blur lines I’m already failing to keep straight.

Because staying with you would bring back the spark no one else has ever been able to touch.

My mouth opened.

Nothing came out.

Atlas stood, crossing the room in two strides, and suddenly he was right in front of me.

“Em,” he said softly, “it isn’t safe for you to be alone right now. Are you really okay living here by yourself?”

My chest squeezed.

Because the truth was… no.

Not really.

I’d been putting on my big girl mask like it was armor, but my heart still hadn’t stopped racing. My body still jumped at little sounds. My mind kept replaying the door opening, the breath in the room, the feeling of being trapped.

What if he came back?

What if there were more?

What if it had been planned?

What if next time… no one was here to save me?

My eyes burned.

Atlas lifted his hands and gently cradled my face, grounding me His palms were warm, careful. Like he wasn’t just holding my face, he was holding me together.

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13:04 Mon, Feb 23 A

Chapter 145

And that’s when I realized how close he was.

His gray eyes were right there.

Storm-calm.

The kind that made everything inside me slow down even when it shouldn’t.

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“I promise,” he murmured, voice rough with something I didn’t want to name, “I won’t overstep. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.”

I swallowed.

If only he knew how badly I wanted to say kiss me.

How badly it was right there at the tip of my tongue.

Kiss me like you mean it.

Kiss me like you never stopped loving me.

Kiss me like you did in the planetarium when the stars were watching and I forgot how to breathe.

My mind went darker for half a second, dangerous thoughts, reckless ones, like how easy it would be to tug the robe tie and let it fall. Like how fast he’d inhale. Like how his hands would…

No.

I stepped back, quickly, like I’d been burned.

“Atlas…” My voice dropped, shaky. “This is a bad idea.”

His jaw tightened, eyes locked on mine. “Em, please.” He exhaled then softened. “Fine. A week. Two weeks. Whatever you need. And when you’re sure you’re okay alone, you can go back.

He paused, and his voice got quieter.

“I just need to know you’re safe,” he said. “It’s messing with my head seeing you like this.”

That did it.

My throat burned.

I bit the inside of my cheek hard, forcing the tears back like they were something I could control.

Don’t you dare break down.

I took a breath.

Then another.

I nodded. “Okay”

Atlas let out a breath like he’d been holding it forever.

His shoulders dropped slightly, relief sliding through him. Then he hesitated, actually hesitated.

“Can I hug you?” he asked.

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13:04 Mon, Feb 23 AA.

Chapter 145

I blinked, a soft smile tugging at my mouth despite everything.

“You don’t have to ask my permission for a hug.” I murmured.

His smile was small, grateful, and then he pulled me in.

Tight. Safe.

Like he was trying to make up for every year we weren’t allowed to do this.

And when he lowered his mouth near my hair, I heard him whisper…

“Thank you.”

My eyes stung again.

Because if anything…

I was the grateful one.

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Grateful that somehow, against all odds, Atlas had walked back into my life when I needed him most. And terrified of what it meant that I didn’t want him to leave again.

***

Atlas helped with my luggage and we moved back up to the penthouse. It was quiet and so neatly arranged it almost felt like a museum. And now that I was fully sober, the place didn’t just look expensive…

It looked like Atlas.

Clean lines. Neutral colors. Everything in its place like some clean freak he was.

And the craziest part?

I hadn’t even known he owned this building. Like… how long had he been owning a whole building while I was out here acting like he was just some guy with a key code?

Moving back to California after years in Paris, I’d picked a place thought would keep me away from him. That was the whole point. That’s why I didn’t go back home. That’s why I didnt even look for a place in L.A.

I didn’t want to run into Atlas.

But I guess the world really is small. Or the universe just enjoys laughing at me.

I huffed a breath and looked around again, taking in the space.

“Okay,” I said, more to fill the silence than anything. “I should’ve known you owned this place. I mean… my drunk brain thought we broke in” I shook my head, embarrassed. “Then when I sobered up, I told myself maybe it was your friend’s penthouse or something but now? Yeah. This is definitely yours

Atlas glanced over his shoulder as he set one of my boxes down in the guest room.

His mouth curved slightly. “It gives Atlas vibes?”

I rolled my eyes, but my lips twitched. “It does. Like… expensive calm. Very on brand.”

He smiled softly, then his expression shifted into something gender.

“I hope it makes you feel safe,” he said.

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13:04 Mon, Feb 23

Chapter 145

I swallowed.

I gave him a small smile because saying what I actually felt would’ve been dangerous.

Of course it did.

Because you’re here.

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Atlas cleared his throat like he didn’t know what to do with the moment. His eyes flicked away from mine for half a second, then came back.

“If you need anything,” he said, voice low, “I’m a door away, okay

I nodded, forcing myself to stay casual. “I’m fine, Atlas. You can go.”

He hesitated. Like he didn’t believe me.

Like he could see straight through the act.

Then he gave a small nod and walked out.

The door shut.

And silence….fucking silence. The kind that pressed on your chest and made your thoughts louder.

I stood there for a second, staring at the door like I could will him to come back… or like I was mad at myself for even wanting that.

I turned slowly, taking in the guest room.

White sheets pulled tight like nobody had ever slept in them. Cream curtains hanging perfectly. Everything neat and soft and… controlled.

So different from my room. From my life.

I dragged in a breath and let it out slowly.

“It’s fine,” I whispered. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”

But it wasn’t.