I Swear I Still Hate Him (Atlas Lawson) novel Chapter 71

Chapter 71

Chapter 71

Emery’s POV

Dancing with Howard was fun… or, at least, it was supposed to be.

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But no matter how many times I told myself to focus, to stay in the moment, my eyes kept drifting-up to the balcony.

To him.

Atlas stood there, just barely leaning against the black wooden railing, the dim lights casting a soft glow on his face. And beside him… her.

Kayla.

Her red hair spilled down her back in effortless waves, catching the light like fire. She wore a backless black gown that hugged her curves in all the right places, and I could practically feel the eyes of every guy in the room trailing after her.

They were laughing about something. Kayla threw her head back, and Atlas… smiled.

And I hated how much it made my stomach twist.

“Hey, you good?” Howard asked beside me, his hands still lightly on my waist.

“Y-Yeah,” I said quickly, forcing a smile as I dragged my eyes away. “Just spaced out for a sec.”

The music pulsed around us, some upbeat frat anthem everyone knew the lyrics to. I tried to sway my hips, to lose myself in the rhythm, but my focus was shot.

And then I looked up again.

They were walking away together.

No.

Where are they going? Why are you even asking? It’s none of your business.

I snapped my gaze back to the dance floor, tried to focus on Howard…sweet, funny Howard who had done absolutely nothing wrong. I tried to focus on the music, Howard…anything god I tired, pretend like everything was fine.

It wasn’t.

God, my freaking mind wouldn’t shut up.

I kept picturing them… Atlas and Kayla. Talking. Laughing. His hand brushing her arm. Her smiling up at him like she used to smile at me. Then it got worse.

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Chapter 71

Kissing. Making love. Him whispering her name the way he used to say mine.

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I blinked, trying to shake it off, but the images wouldn’t stop. Like my brain was on some kind of sick emotional autoplay.

And just when I thought I couldn’t torture myself more, my mind took it a step further.

A wedding.

Her in white. Him at the altar. My heart in a blender.

I stopped moving completely.

“I… I need to go,” I said, my voice barely cutting through the music. It cracked a little, but I didn’t care.

Howard blinked, confused. “Wait, what? Are you-”

But I didn’t wait. I was already moving. Fast.

Through the crowd. Past the fake smiles and red Solo cups. Past the people who didn’t even notice I was unraveling.

I needed air. I needed space….I needed him not to leave with her.

“Sorry,” I mumbled over and over, yanking open doors and crashing into full-blown makeout sessions. The upstairs hall smelled like beer and too much cologne. “My bad. Sorry. I’m looking for someone…sorry!”

Bathroom? Empty.

Balcony? No one.

Guest room? Nope.

Maybe they left.

Maybe he took her back to his place. Maybe they’re in his bed right now-

I stumbled out the back door, eyes darting toward the lake. My pulse was out of control, palms sweaty, chest tight like someone had tied a rope around it.

Please don’t go. Please don’t go.

I pulled out my phone, hands shaking. My thumb hovered over his name. I could lie-say I feel sick. Just to see him. Just to make sure he’s not… not with her.

I was about to press the call button when-

“Emery?”

I froze.

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Chapter 71

I didn’t even turn around. I didn’t have to. I knew that voice. Low. Rough. His.

When I turned, he was there.

Atlas.

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He looked slightly breathless, brows pulled together in concern, hair a little messy like he’d run his hands through it. His eyes scanned me-my face, my body language, like he was trying to figure out if I was hurt.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen? Are you okay?” he asked, stepping forward.

My lips parted, but nothing came out.

I wanted to say I’m fine now.

I wanted to say I thought you left me.

But all I managed was….

“I’m fine.”

****

We were long gone from the party.

Now parked on a quiet dirt road, sitting in the back of Atlas’s car with the trunk door open, legs dangling, stars above us like glitter spilled across the sky. The night was still, too still, except for the sound of our breaths and the crickets singing somewhere in the distance.

I had his jacket on, because it was freaking freezing, and of course, he noticed before I could even say anything. Classic Atlas.

He broke the silence first. “Why were you outside?”

I blinked, caught off guard. “Oh… I needed some air.”

A lie.

A

messy, embarrassing lie. But thank God he didn’t press it. He just nodded, his profile calm in the dim starlight.

“What about you?” I asked, trying to keep my tone casual.

“I met up with Kayla,” he said. “Remember, Kayla?”

Oh, I remembered. I forced a laugh. “Yeah. Kinda hard to forget her. I literally walked in on you guys having sex once. That image’s practically branded into my brain. Still getting flashbacks.”

Atlas let out a laugh, real and low. “God, I forgot about that.”

I didn’t.

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Chapter 71

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“She wanted us to go hang out,” he continued, his voice slowing. “And for a second… I did consider it.”

He glanced at me, like there was something else he wasn’t saying. Something hanging in the air between us. Then he looked away.

“But I changed my mind.”

A pause. “And then I saw you.”

My heart thudded. My fingers curled slightly in the fabric of his jacket, needing a distraction, anything to keep me from melting into the moment.

I tilted my head up to the sky and smiled. “The stars are pretty much showing off tonight, huh?”

He looked up too. “Yeah.”

I pointed lazily at one of them. “That one’s Vega….the brightest star in the constellation and the one next to it

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“Altair,” he cut in smoothly.

My head snapped toward him, my brows raised. “I didn’t know you were a fan of stars.”

He shrugged, lips tugging slightly. “I spent some nights learning them.”

I tilted my head. “Was it for, like, a science test?”

Atlas looked at me, and something in my chest clenched tight. His eyes held that soft, honest glint, the kind that made it hard to breathe when it was directed at me.

“No,” he said.

Then he paused.

“I was trying to impress this girl.”

My heart jumped.

“She talked about constellations nonstop,” he said, voice soft. “There was this light around her every time she did. Like the stars lived in her eyes or something stupid like that.”

I forgot how to breathe. Was he… was he talking about me?

“And when I finally read about them,” he continued, “I saw it. I wanted to tell her she was just like them, the brightest in the sky.”

I froze.

The world was suddenly too quiet. The stars too loud. My throat too tight.

He looked away quickly, scratching the back of his neck. “Cringey, right?”

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Chapter 71

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“No,” I whispered before he could take it back. “Not cringey at all.”

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He looked at me, lips twitching into a smile, and there they were. Those dimples. Dangerous, heart-ruining dimples.

Before I even realized what I was doing, my lips were on his. One second, I was staring at him like a lunatic, and the next-I crashed into him. Just full-on, heart-in-my-throat, no-thinking, impulsive insanity.

He froze.

I froze.

And then panic hit me like a brick wall.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

I pulled away so fast it was a miracle I didn’t fall off the jeep. “Shit,” I muttered, sliding off the car like it was on fire.

“Emery!” Atlas called behind me.

But I didn’t stop. I didn’t look back. I didn’t even know where I was going-I just knew I had to move. My feet hit the dirt road, and my heart thudded louder than my footsteps.

What the hell was that?!

Why did I do that?!

God, I kissed him. I freaking kissed my stepbrother.

“Emery,” his voice came again, closer this time, and a second later, his hand wrapped around mine, gently, like he was trying not to scare me off.

I stopped, swallowing the lump in my throat. My back still to him.

His mouth opened, maybe to ask if I was okay, maybe to yell, but I blurted out first, “I’m sorry! I’m not thinking straight, maybe it’s the cold or the stars or just the way you were talking and I-” I laughed awkwardly, barely able to breathe. “God, I thought you were talking about me… and then I realized there’s no way you were, because…”

And just like that, his lips were on mine.

Soft. Gentle. Devastating.

I froze again, but only for a second. Then my eyes fluttered shut, and I melted into him, kissing him back like my entire body had been holding that breath for years. When we finally pulled apart, gasping slightly for air, Atlas’s forehead rested lightly against mine.

“You are the girl,” he whispered.

My heart slammed against my ribs. “W-what?”

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Chapter 71

“I like you. I like you… a lot.”

My breath hitched. “Atlas…”

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He pulled back just enough to meet my eyes, his expression raw. “Fuck, Emery, I can’t hold it in anymore. I tried. I swear, I tried. But it’s like poison-keeping it all locked in. It’s eating me alive.”

I shook my head, blinking fast as my throat tightened. “But this… our parents…”

Atlas stepped back a little, raking a hand through his hair and letting out a shaky exhale.

“I didn’t go out because I needed air…” I admitted softly.

He turned to me, eyes widening in confusion, his brows pulling together. “Then why-”

I took a shaky step closer to him. My fingers curled into nervous fists at my sides. “I went out ’cause… I saw you leaving with Kayla, and it terrified me,” I confessed, my voice trembling. “I thought you two were going somewhere together… to make out or something, and just the thought of it made my chest hurt like crazy.”

“Emery,” he said quietly, my name sounding heavy on his tongue.

“Atlas,” I whispered back. My hand lifted on its own and found his cheek, my thumb brushing his skin as my eyes searched his. “I like you too,” I breathed.

He closed his eyes tightly, like he was bracing for pain. Then he exhaled slowly. “Why do I feel like there’s a but coming?”

My lips trembled. I blinked fast, fighting the tears burning in my eyes. “Because… we can’t,” I whispered. “This isn’t right, Atlas. Our parents…”

“I know,” he said softly, cutting in before my voice completely broke. “I know… but what if—”

I shook my head immediately, stepping back half a step like I was afraid of falling into him again. “We can’t.”

The word felt final. Heavy. He nodded once, slow, and the weight of it settled in his shoulders.

“Let’s go home,” he said, barely above a whisper. His voice sounded broken. Like something had been ripped out of him.

The ride back to the apartment was torture. Neither of us spoke. Just silence. Heavy, aching silence.

When we pulled into the driveway, Atlas killed the engine. The click of the ignition felt louder than anything. We walked in quietly, and once the door shut, he turned to me. His eyes were soft but sad as he leaned in and kissed my forehead gently.

“Good night,” he whispered.

“Good night,” I said back, my voice barely holding steady.

He disappeared into his room. And the moment I stepped into mine, I shut the door, leaned back against it… and slid to the floor. My knees folded, hands covering my mouth as the tears finally came.

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Chapter 71

I didn’t sob. I just… shattered quietly.

God, I hate fate.

I hate it so badly.

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15:17 Tue, Dec 30