The Scumbag's Guide To Heroism novel Chapter 4

Chapter 4: 4 | Sometimes The Best Lie is a Truth You’ve Decided to Weaponize

I slumped back on my comfortable bed to stare at the ceiling like it held all the answers to the universe.

Unfortunately, it didn’t.

"Yo system," I said out loud. "Do I have a status screen or what?"

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Status display initiated.]

A blue panel materialized in my vision, floating there like some RPG menu screen.

[ STATUS ]

Name: Lukas Belmont

Level: 1

DP: 0

SP: 0

[ ATTRIBUTES ]

STR: 10 | AGI: 10 | DEX: 10

INT: 10 | END: 10

[ ACTIVE SKILLS ] (0/2)

[ PASSIVE SKILLS ] (0/3)

Tens across the board, huh? "Am I really this much of an NPC?"

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Compared to registered Heroes with developed Aspects? Yes. You are statistically below average in every measurable category.]

"Thanks for the ego boost."

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Your current physical baseline would place you in the bottom 15% of Halloran Academy applicants.]

"Damn it." I ran a hand down my face. "So this is an actual hero society? Like with real hero rankings and real villains?"

I remembered some of Lukas’ old memories where there were hero advertisements on billboards and rankings updated quarterly like sports standings. Kids would manifest aspects between the years of six to eight and get fast tracked into prep programs if they were strong enough.

This was an entire economy and society built around people with the best powers and Lukas doesn’t have shit.

"I wonder how it’s different from my world," I muttered. "Like, do they have normal celebrities still? Or is everyone just obsessed with Heroes? What about—"

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Existential contemplation detected. Would you prefer to focus on immediate survival concerns instead?]

"Right. Because I have bigger problems." I sat up. "Man, how badass would it be if I could become a Hero though? Like actually make it. Get into Halloran, graduate, hit the rankings..."

The fantasy played out in my head. Standing on some rooftop, cityscape behind me, costume billowing in the wind. Getting interviewed by reporters. Having my own agency. Maybe a merchandising deal.

Money. So much money.

Then reality crashed back in.

"But how the fuck can I be a Hero if I have to grope my benefactor’s daughter for power?"

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Clarification—the current quest only requires a smack, not groping. Though groping is permitted if you prefer that approach.]

"Not helping, system."

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Accuracy is more valuable than emotional support.]

I fell back on the bed staring at the ceiling again as the timer kept ticking down in my peripheral vision

35:32:15

35:32:14

35:32:13

my worth as a man is literally at stake here!

"Okay..." I rapped my fingers against my stomach. "How do I smack that ass if he’s while having a good and natural reason to?"

Say she has a spider on her ass? Nah... she’d freak out and then blast me through a wall because of lying to her about it.

Or she might do it to kill the spider.

But what if I just plant a spider on her ass? Fuck no. I hated spiders too I can’t touch one.

Trip and accidentally fall into her ass? What am I, a lucky pervert harem protagonist?

Ask her to grab something and smack it while she’s bent over? Yeah that’s how you end up on them Diddy lists.

"There has to be a way," I said to the empty room. "Some angle I’m not seeing. Some—"

Wait.

I put my hand on my face and grinned. "Heh, I’m a fucking genius!"

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Your solution has been noted and probability of success calculated. Please proceed.]

"Oh, you’re going to love this."

I got off the bed and exited my room. The hallway was quieter now without any water running. Looks like Sloane finished her shower.

Sloane took a half step back at my crass response, a flicker of pity crossing her face. "You’re not totally useless."

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