The Wolf Came on Christmas (Johanna and Alexander) novel Chapter 72

Chapter 72-1

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I wanted to have him close, to feel his protection. To perceive again the greatness that only I saw, and that I wanted to keep seeing.

I thought it would be fine if he simply let me hug him. I didn’t have the head to expect anything more from him, and I didn’t worry about thinking about it. My whole body was trembling again, and I felt weak, stiff, anxious to explode-and I did. I cried. I cried to release myself, to expel everything I had been piling up during those frantic days.

I fell apart into sobs, trusting his warm refuge and not caring about anything else.

But when I thought Alexander was only going to stand there, just bearing my weight, he lifted his arms and wrapped me up too-one hand on my waist and the other over my shoulder blades. I felt a weight at the top of my head (it could’ve been his chin or cheek, I don’t know), and I knew that he was hugging me too, the way I was, with the urgency of reaching peace. The way he pressed me against his body. His warmth. The rustic, clean smell of him. He gave me exactly what I needed, so I tried, somehow, to give him what he also needed.

A moment of rest, to regain strength. A lot had happened.

I breathed in again the scent embedded in his clothes. The same one I had smelled in my sheets, and earlier that very morning, in the kitchen, while I cleaned the wounds on his face. It gave me courage to stop trembling, and confidence to stop crying. His mere essence gave me strength. That smell I would never forget, because it was so pure and so his…

I think that was when I became aware that I had a problem. I was starting to like that man too much, and that wasn’t right. He wasn’t even entirely human.

“…I’m sorry, Han,” he told me softly. “But I had to prioritize. Even if I don’t like it or it isn’t the right thing, I have to make decisions. You were just unlucky enough to end up in the middle of all this.” He paused, and sighed before continuing, even lower. “I wish it weren’t like this. I wish I had met you in another circumstance.”

I felt a fleeting sting in my chest, and I pushed him gently to look for his eyes. Alexander was waiting for me, his blue, calm gaze marked by guilt. It was easy to see.

“I truly am very sorry about all of this,” he repeated, and brushed a few strands of hair away from my eyes.

I think that was the first time he touched me and I was aware of it.

God, he was so tall. And so big compared to me. His hands-I felt like both of mine could fit into one of his, but maybe my perception was already very messed up by then. Since when

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< Chapter 72-1

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was I so small and weak? I was never weak. Maybe a little reluctant and hermit-like, aching, but not weak. That only gave me shivers of irony. How was it possible that I was so calm in the company of a creature that, in theory, shouldn’t exist?

For the rest of the world, for whoever didn’t care, it was so easy to deny it and wash their hands of it.

“What did you say?” I asked him, because I assumed that when he said he “would have wished to meet me in another circumstance,” I had heard wrong.

But I couldn’t answer myself, because suddenly I became aware that someone was standing in the kitchen doorway, watching us. I recognized him immediately. It was Hans. And on his face there wasn’t an expression of contentment or calm-no. He watched us with his brow slightly furrowed. Alexander must have sensed it, because he stepped back, away from me, and suddenly I felt… I don’t know, empty, I guess. My hands stayed in the air for a second, reaching for him.

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<Chapter 72-2

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Chapter 72-2

How was I going to be able to sleep after all that?

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Lying was the easiest thing. Why? To escape, I suppose. For the same reason I’d been sleeping badly for days-because I was afraid, my body hurt, and I didn’t know which direction to run, or which decision was the right one. For the same reasons I started taking pills after the accident.

To feel human again.

Even though I hadn’t needed them again in almost six months, in that moment it was imperative for me to look for them almost desperately in the drawer where I knew they were hidden. With a glass of water I took the dose prescribed by the psychiatrist two years earlier. I had brought the laptop to the room with the excuse of writing a little, but I knew beforehand that would be impossible. I paced between the window and my desk, putting my hands in my pockets and taking them out again, until my fingers found something sharp at the bottom of the back pocket of my jeans.

Álvaro’s claw.

I set that piece of him on the table beside my computer and contemplated it silently for a few moments, undecided. What was I going to do with that? I should have thrown it in the trash, like Alexander had done with the piece of ear cut off by Ishida’s swords. But suddenly it didn’t seem worthy of discarding the nail. It meant something to me, to everyone.

Behind me, Andre was finishing changing his clothes. Fortunately, he was more focused on putting on his sleep shirt than on anything else.

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