The Wolf Came on Christmas (Johanna and Alexander) novel Chapter 74

Chapter 74-1

I finished reading the transcript and read it again. My eyes felt dry from the impulsive need not to blink as I went through line after line, consumed by the impact, flushed with embarrassment. Suddenly I felt very hot under the simple T-shirt I had put on to sleep. I fanned myself with a couple of printer sheets, because it was all too much for me. I gave myself a moment to read the document a third time, and no – the content had not changed.

I think I began to understand why everything happened so fast.

I mean, I understood why Alexander didn’t hesitate to trust me, to believe I would keep his secret or take care of the children. Because obviously I wasn’t the only one fucked in the head – he was too. And I pitied his soul, because it was like realizing more than ever that we were in the same situation. We had both loved and lost. Yes, I know it sounds corny and straight out of a soap opera, but it was nothing but the truth. My nightmare had ended more than a year ago, when I resigned myself to believing and accepting that Paul and my son were no longer with me; but Alexander’s had only just begun. And it could become even more terrible if something happened to the children.

I realized it would be horrifying for me too.

That’s why he was so kind to me, and so attentive. It was so easy to understand him.

I wasn’t the only one projecting my frustrations as a wife and mother onto him and his children. I wasn’t the only one taking liberties that didn’t belong to me, if what Hans had told Alexander was plausible. And from where I stood, it was. The hug in the kitchen reminded me more than ever: we were… broken. Both of us were broken, and we became the perfect escape for each other. A temporary mirage to deal with what we lacked. But that wasn’t right.

I know that at some point, while I was thinking about all this, my eyes filled with tears and I had to cover my mouth with one hand so my sobs wouldn’t be heard.

I wished I had never recorded anything, never asked for it to be translated. I was stupid.

Even today I wonder what would have happened if that small wrongdoing had never occurred. I couldn’t stand staying by the computer, not while that sparse text reminded me that something in me (the same thing that made Sasha feel I was her mother, or made Andre want to protect me so much) was making Alexander unable to stop mourning what had happened to his beloved Anya; and his animal side, instinctive by nature, might be feeling me as a substitute for her, just as much as the children did.

Because I supported him, didn’t I? Hans was clear about that. I supported him and accepted

him.

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< Chapter 74-1

Even if he wasn’t completely human.

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It became crystal clear to me what had caused Alexander’s argument with Ishida that morning, after the panther’s attack. Ishida had noticed something – and if the Hattai noticed it, what was going on in the others’ minds? What were they thinking? What had the others perceived? And it felt very logical that they would worry, that they wouldn’t want to cause me trouble or cause trouble for themselves. Complicate things. It was simple. I should have suspected something, but I was so anxious and so comfortable with them (with him, rather – it only happened with Alexander), that I felt so…

Close to him. Committed. Safe.

I left the bedroom leaning against the wall with my good arm and went straight to the bathroom intending to take a hot shower. Then I changed my mind and filled the bathtub.

Bathing helped me not only clean my body and get rid of any possible smell of dirt, but also to clear my mind. I tried to focus on priorities. Eat. Drink. Protect the children. Rest. Wait for everything to be resolved without deaths to mourn. Not let my heart shrink at the thought that they would eventually leave.

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<Chapter 74-2

Chapter 74-2

Those little ones.

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shoulders.

I think my face turned wine-red, darker than burgundy, when I realized it. Suddenly I felt boiling again and thought about leaving, but honestly, where was I going to go? My clothes were in my room. Alexander was the one who shouldn’t have been there. I wanted to tell him to leave, but then-

“Did you manage to rest?” he asked, seemingly ignoring my towel completely.

I secretly wondered whether he could also perceive what his friends did – I mean, whether he used his superior sense of smell on me, and what he would smell.

“Yes,” I remember answering, with surprising normality, standing there as if nothing were happening. “Did Andre fall asleep again?”

“He got up to use the corner a moment ago. Sasha is changed and fed too – she’ll sleep the rest of the night, I hope,” he told me. His eyes traveled over my right arm, and maybe that reminded him. “Can I look at your wounds for a moment?”

What was I supposed to tell him – no?

Sure. And make a scene for no reason.

“… Of course,” I nodded, clearing my throat, and stepped closer to him. “They look fine. You did a good job, and those pills and injections Hans gave me really boosted my defenses.”

I stretched out my arm as far as I could, right to where it hurt.

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