Too Beautiful for the Alpha novel Chapter 14

   "I'm going to hate myself for this," he murmurs, his hands dragging down my arms. "I don't deserve you, not after what I've done."

His hands come to my face, brushing back my hair and caressing my cheeks, one drops and the other hand runs down to my jaw. I grab his stray hand and hold it in between my own, covering it and bringing it to the center of my chest. "I'll forgive you, I just need time. I need to see that you're willing to open up to me. No more trying to push me away. No more trying to hurt me."

I feel different. I have never felt like this before. There is an anxious feeling growing inside of me, making my chest hurt. Looking at James now, looking at some unknown version of him I didn't know existed, I feel anxious—nervous in ways that I can't quite understand. He's hurt me, I know that. People hurt others. I've hurt people in my life, maybe not as harshly as he's hurt me, but I believe in forgiveness, I think.

I didn't see this coming—maybe that's what has me on edge, or maybe it's our closeness. Maybe it's our closeness and the fact that he could be willing to try.

My eyes study his face, enjoying themselves. I have never been so close to him besides times when he's tried to push me away, but I don't think he's pushing away anymore. It frightens me. I am in unknown territory. I was used to the fact that I would be alone for my life, but I never prepared myself for this.

He is capable of hurting me again, I can't forget that and I won't forget that. No matter how blind the bond makes me, I will not let it weaken me, not anymore, not when I am giving him a chance. I have to be alert for this. "What are you scared of?" I ask him, needing a break from my thoughts. "You make it seem like you're taking a risk."

His hand falls from my jaw but I keep the other close to my heart. "I should have never taken you from your home. I should have never trapped you here. I need to bring you home where you belong, where you can be happy."

When he says it, it brings a sour taste to my mouth. When he says that he needs to bring me home, I don't want to go home. "But you don't want to let me go," I tell him, wanting to remind him.

"After how I've treated you—"

"I just need to know that you're willing to try," I cut him off, not wanting to remind myself of the things he's done. "Just please...don't hurt me again. Don't talk to her again, or take my things, or grab me," my voice grows small, "or pretend like I don't exist. You—you took my shirt from my bedroom, I know you did. I know it."

James steps back and turns away, placing his hands on the counter as if he needs to brace himself. "You have to go home," he says, his voice low. "You deserve to be happy. You need to heal. You'll leave in the morning. This is what's best for you. I am not good for you, Rae, and I am sorry for bringing you here in the first place."

My lungs squeeze, or maybe it's my heart dropping, or my stomach rising. I feel the need to reach out to him again, to show him how good my touch is, but I hold myself back and nod. I can't speak—if I open my mouth I am afraid I'll cry, so all I do is nod. This is what I wanted, right? To leave? I've tried so many times to, and now I am finally getting what I wanted, right? I wish there wasn't this hole inside of me. It is a cavernous feeling that I know only he can fix. It hurts and I haven't even left yet. It burns.

He straightens up and brushes back my hair again, catching it behind my ear, taking one last sip before the glass is empty. "There will be someone to take you home in the morning. I'll inform Gail and Theresa and they will help you prepare. I'll be gone before you wake up, so it will be much easier."

I want to latch onto him and never let go, stopping him from sending me away. I know I told him that I hate him, and that I'm dying here, and that I want to go home, but now I regret every word. I can't help but regret every word. The hole is growing bigger inside of me, eating away. "Are you going to reject me?" I ask with my last bit of energy.

"I suppose that would be best," he says, looking back at me, making my heart ache.

"Not now," I say immediately, "I can't handle it now."

"Okay, then I won't, not now." There is a moment of silence between us then finally he speaks again. "It's late. You need rest."

Every part of my body aches now, even my fingers and toes. I know what is coming, and I was prepared for it once before, but now all of that has been thrown out the window. I don't know how to be alone anymore, not like that. Sure, I didn't have him, but at least I was close to him, at least I got a taste of him.

I swallow. "Okay," I say, trying to choose between 'goodnight' and 'goodbye', but I leave the kitchen after that.

For a moment, I thought he was going to give this a try. I thought he was going to keep me. I thought we would grow together over time, my forgiveness coming after his endless amounts of apologies ranging from different attempts to earn it. I thought we would sleep together in his bed, that I would feel his arms holding me greedily from the world, not wanting to share. I thought we would kiss a hundred more times and laugh and cry and yell. But no. It's over instead. I wasn't even given the chance to forgive him.