Touching the Heart of Ace novel Chapter 86

"Rape is very natural."

I kept on staring at the white tiles that seemed to have no end.

How big was this room, anyways?

"Dolphins, ducks... and many other animals exhibit very horrifying sexual acts including gang rape."

"That is not what people say." I mumbled out. Why were we having this conversation? This was not what I wanted.

"You are a very smart young man, Davidson. You should know better than to share your problems in Reddit." The good therapist handed me a bottle of chilled water.

"People do not know it is me."

Could I just go home?

"That is not the point. You are letting people to tell you what you should or should not feel."

I sighed.

"Do you feel that way?" She took her notepad back and tapped on the hard bind.

"Hmm?"

"If I asked what happened, would you say you were raped?"

My heart skipped a beat.

"People..."

"No, not people. Just you. Do you think that is what happened to you?"

"I don't know." I told her; but she waited. "I don't think so." I nibbled my lips. "Is that... is that the right answer?"

"What you say is the right answer Davidson; what you feel is the only thing that ever mattered..."

I gulped.

"I don't think I was raped... but... people they say... since he was drunk and I was... not okay with it... it is rape..."

"Do you think so?" She gave me a kind smile when I looked at her.

"N... no."

"Alright. You can change your answer whenever you want David. I am here to help you."

I knew that.

But she could not help. I was too messed up.

I was loving a man I was not supposed to... or that was what people in Reddit said.

But... I loved that man so much that it hurt.

I sniffled and I was given a wet tissue.

I did not deserve this... I...

"If I ask you what you were feeling at that moment will you be able to tell me, today?"

The same question the nth time since I started this joke... therapy.

How many days had it been already?

Days? Months? Years?

It felt like years.

But this time I nodded and she smiled.

She had a very kind smile and I felt like I did not deserve that either.

"I felt... violated... like this was not the way it was supposed to go... that is it... but then again it was supposed to go that way too... just... not drunk..."

"So you do not like Robert was drunk..."

I cried. It was a simple question, yet I cried.

I hated how pathetic I was.

I dreamt of the times where Robbie would give my first kiss out of the blue.

I had thought that I would shyly say 'no' and he would say he could not hold it in and would gently brush his lips on mine.

Something was wrong with me, right?

"Do... do I have Stockholm syndrome? Is this just a disease? Do I not love him? I... You said rape is natural... Should I not feel what I feel? Is my everything with Robbie just a disease?"

She watched me cry and breakdown.

"Please answer me doctor." Rest of my life depended on her verdict...

She waited, waited and then waited some more.

"Loving someone who has hurt you does not make it 'Stockholm syndrome'."

My heart jumped of hope but still I braced for the worst. "Any disease, mental or physical cannot be determined just by one bit of a symptom. Yes, patients who have 'Stockholm syndrome' mimic people who are in love. But Davidson, it is like saying depression patients are sad and anxiety patients are afraid. We could agree to that but... are all sad people have depression? Are all anxious people have anxiety or panic disorder?"

I shook my head.

But people in the Reddit said...

"I have sixteen years of practise under my belt as a therapist, Davidson, and I am yet to find symptoms in you that may warrant you being a patient of Stockholm syndrome and that is the thing will all disease... It needs time and understanding... and testing before jumping into conclusion with diseases that are as severe and confusing as Stockholm syndrome."

The relief in my heart was like a thunderstorm.

And I cried again.

"I was so scared to know the answer... I love him... really really love him... I... Everyone was saying he would not have done that to me if he did love me and I... don't know... does he not love me, doctor? Please tell me. Does he not love me?"

She waited again... for me to come back to the senses.

"Do you feel loved?"

"Does Robert love me?"

She waited, patiently... until I answered her question first.

"Very much. I feel and know that I am the only one in the whole world that he loves as lover... no one... I feel that he loves me..."

She smiled. "Isn't that enough?"

"People said..."

She waited me to finish. "Did they say something about making you feel better? Or how to get back your life together?"

I shook my head.

"They said that he raped me and I should leave him and... run for the hills without looking back and... he would hurt me in the future... But they did not tell me how I would be able to do that with all this love I had for him. Even if they have said that I don't want to... I love him... if I could forget what had happened at the one night... "

"You know why they can't help you?"

"No."

"Because they don't know how to do it... They don't know you; they don't know Robert... They are only saying what they think the best. Abusive relationship, get out... abusive husband, get a divorce... abusive parents, move out... Sometimes, that is what it should be done but... when there are strong emotions involved advises are not help, just words."

We both remained silent.

This was the most we had ever talked.

"When I said rape is natural, I was not lying or just saying it to make you feel better. It is in the nature, so it is natural... so is murder, bullying... Rape is not inhumane because it is not natural, Davidson, it is because humans are cerebrally evolved. That is the answer. It has nothing to do with honour, self-respect or anything... It has nothing to do with one being weak or other being strong... we as an organism are evolved so much that... our mind itself is a being... and an activity as gruesome as rape has the power to gnarl our brain and destroy an individual."

I blinked.

"The nerves that we carry around as the most intellectual being on earth that we know of, is both a boon and a curse. Like I said, the effects of rape are exponential to the effects it would implicate physically on the body... but... it is difficult to make everyone understand the 'how'... yet everyone can agree that it is horrifying."

"I don't feel raped then... Nothing happened really. He just... and physically it was nothing... nothing happened..."

She nodded.

"I don't know why it is a big deal. But I don't like thinking about it..."

She nodded again.