Accidental Surrogate for Alpha novel Chapter 120

Ella

When my panic attack finally eases and I can breathe again, I peek up at Sinclair, tears burning in my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I murmur weakly, hating that my stupid brain ruined our moment.

“Why the hell are you apologizing?” Sinclair counters, still petting me. He hadn’t let me go even once as I weathered the storm of anxiety and despair, only pulling the pillows and blankets of my nest closer so I would feel secure.

“Because I screwed everything up.” I explain thickly. “I was supposed to be helping you and I fell apart at a mere suggestion.” Shame is coursing through my veins, not because of the panic itself, but because of what it might mean: that I’m too fragile, too broken, to be Sinclair’s Luna.

“Ella, don’t be silly.” He replies, and though I understand he didn’t mean to dismiss my feelings, the words still sting. Sinclair opens his mouth to continue, undoubtedly with some trite placation about how ‘these things happen’ or similar, but I cut him off.

”I’m not being silly!” I insist with exasperation. “What good am I as a mate if I can’t even be there for you when you need me? I get to lie around all day doing nothing while you're out saving the world. You are constantly taking care of me on top of all your other worries, and I never give you anything in return. It’s not right. You shouldn’t have to comfort me when you’re the one who needs to decompress!” I burst, throwing up my hands. “All this time we’ve been convinced that I can’t be your Luna because I’m human, but we never even considered that I might not be up to the task, even as a wolf.” My voice is shaking with fresh tears, and I can’t look at Sinclair as I continue, “But now… what more evidence do we need?”

Sinclair doesn’t make a sound, and when I look at him, he’s positively fuming. His heavy breathing and black expression tell me he’s barely holding onto his temper, and the hands which were caressing me mere moments ago are now stationary and stiff. I watch as he struggles to quell his anger, even though I’m not sure what I said to infuriate him this way. After a second he shakes his head, apparently surrendering the battle. “I need a minute, Ella.” He finally growls, “I need to go for a run, but I don’t want to leave you unless you’re alright.”

“Stop it!” I burst, my voice cracking. I’m out of the bed in a heartbeat, pacing back and forth in front of the bed. “This is exactly what I’m talking about! Stop protecting me from reality. If you’re angry with me, then be angry! Let me deal with the consequences of my weakness!”

Sinclair leaps out of the nest, stalking forward with white-knuckled fists. “I’m not going to yell at you when you’ve just had a panic attack, Ella. If you want to be upset with me, fine, but I need to let my wolf out and run off this temper.” He turns and charges for the door, bypassing me completely. Then, at the last moment, he turns back, his wolf glowing in his eyes. “And for the record, this isn’t special treatment.” He rumbles angrily, “I don’t believe in arguing or taking action when I’m out of control this way. If you need anything while I’m gone, just ask the guards.”

With that, Sinclair disappears, and I can hear his wolf racing away down the hall. For a while I simply stand there, staring after him. I’m shaking again, and I’m trying my best not to dissolve into a fresh bout of weeping. I consider calling Cora, but I remember the way she accused me of selfishly unloading my problems onto her, and I refrain.

My wolf is pacing anxiously in my head, whimpering like a pup and feeling just as raw as I am – if more feral. She’s begging me to do something, to fix this, but I don’t know how. I might have felt terrible for falling apart when I was supposed to be soothing Sinclair, but my wolf seems much more distraught about Sinclair’s anger.

We should go after him! She begs. I can’t stand it, we have to fix this.

We can’t. I grumble in reply. Even if I wasn’t on bedrest and it was perfectly safe, we’ll never be able to catch up with him. Besides, he’ll only be angrier if we leave the house.

She whimpers in understanding, though she’s still beside herself. I climb back into bed, curling into a little ball and pulling the blankets over my head. I haven’t felt this way before, though Sinclair has certainly been angry with me in the past. Hey, I ask my wolf after some thought. Why weren’t you this upset when he accused me of being a gold digger, or when he spanked me or dragged me out of Cora’s?

All those times were different. She argues. I was barely awake in the beginning, and when he’s been angry in the past it’s been protective. This is the first time he’s really been hostile … and the first time he’s walked out. What if he doesn’t come back?