Big Bad Alphas novel Chapter 37

I sit on our bed thinking about what to say, about what to do when Eric and I come face to face again. Kendra is in the shower, and I sit here, waiting for her, but truly using the time to think and nervously wait. Eric is in the office still, and I do not know if he is almost done. Caroline and Lucas came back with Heath, and Heath went into the office, told to me by Caroline before she went off with Lucas again, this time for themselves.

I envy the two of them, as they are still caught up in the early phase. Everything, in the beginning, was exciting and new. When were we going to kiss? What was his family going to be like? Will I ever see my sister again? What about sex—did he want it? The smell of him drove me insane, to the point of t-shirt swiping, and now here I sit, alone, anxious, waiting to find out if my latest mistake is small enough to be forgotten. I remember when I used to help him, when I used to calm him, lecture him when I was in control. He would ask for a kiss, and I would have the restraint to say no. I knew he wanted it then, but now, after I have risked the pack, I'm not sure if he wants it anymore.

In the beginning, he would listen to me describe anything just to hear me talk. Now I hold my breath just so he will talk to me.

Maybe the Mate bonds magic has worn off. I told him I loved him, and that moment was wonderful, but now that it's over we just simply love each other. All has been revealed. Maybe he feels the same. Maybe neither of us were meant for a life like this—a life belonging to someone else.

Whenever I am upset, I think differently. I only focus on the negatives, and I hate it afterward. Why must I see only darkness in our future? Later I will reflect on the bright side, the family aspects, the pack, and my friendships.

Everyone is like this. When we are sad, we think negatively. When we are happy, we think positively. If one has the power to think about the good side with a depressed mind, well good for them. It makes sense, to think about the good to cheer yourself up. I have done this artificially.

When I was younger, upset because Talia might have said something mean to me at school, I would lay on my bed and cry. After a few moments have passed, after the heaviest tears have fallen, I would force myself to be happy. I would think of the good and lift myself out of the hole. Most of the time I knew I was lying to myself, but at the moment I didn't care.

So here I am now, sitting, apparently depressed and disappointed with myself. What am I going to do? Am I going to plaster on the smile and pretend until I no longer feel pain, or continue in my puddle of sadness? Part of me wants to continue, but Kendra emerges from the bathroom, and the smile is already on, the glue already drying.

"Let's do something," she smiles back and rushes to me, jumping up onto the bed.

"Well, what do you want to do?"

"I want Caroline again."

I sigh. "She's busy right now, buddy."

"Well, I want to go swimming then, like you said we would."

Maybe it was the down part of me or the fueled part, but swimming off pack lands sounded like an escape. I know Eric said no, but with a few guards, we will be fine.

Kendra changes into her swimsuit, not caring that she showered herself clean only to get dirty again.

Maybe I am digging myself a deeper hole, finding more ways for Eric to be upset with me. I should tell Kendra that we can't swim—I really should—but I don't.

Together, the two of us leave the house and head towards the borders. Once there, I talk with a few guards and ask them to watch us, which they happily agree to, as I am technically their Luna after all. How could they refuse to protect me?

One asks if I would like the Alpha to be informed of my location since I am going off of territory, but I lie again, saying that he already knows. Maybe I am setting myself up, and truthfully I know I am, but as long as I pretend it's okay, the world cannot hurt me anymore.

Lately, I have been delusional.

Maybe it was the kiss; maybe he poisoned me with his lips. Maybe he didn't have to poison me.

The lake water is chilly against my skin, yet Kendra is not affected. She jumps right in without a care, splashing around and enjoying herself as a child should. I lay floating on my back, somewhat blinded by the sun.

It is easy to blame my current moods on someone else, anyone but myself. Alpha Kenn got to me, though. All his questions, his compliments, his understanding, at the moment it felt genuine. He must have wanted me to turn against Eric, wanting my trust and protection as Lucas said. Maybe it worked, all until he kissed me and tossed my head in the trash can.

Kendra jumps up on me, pushing me under the water while boosting herself up. The lake is somewhat deep to the point where I cannot swim to the bottom without horrible pressure in my ears. My arms flail around in the water as she uses me like a pool toy. When I finally surface with heavy breaths, Kendra's laughs fill my ears as air fills my lungs. "What, are you trying to kill me?"

The guards have neared.

We continue to hang around the lake, now on the shore. I lay in the pebbles while Kendra carves a message or picture with a stick. Sitting up, I watch as she finishes the flower. "Do you like it here?"

"A lot," she murmurs.

"More than at home?"

"Yes, because you're here."

I smile and lay back down. "Would you come with me anywhere?"

"Of course. You're my sister," she says with an unmistakable tone. "Wherever you go, I go now."

"You'll have to start a life of your own, though."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you'll grow up, find your mate, make your own friends, build a life for yourself," I explain. "It's like a fresh start."

She frowns. "Will you not be there?"

"I will be, just not all the time."

"So like it is now?"