If It's Only Love (Lexi Ryan) novel Chapter 32

Shay

Dr. Merritt Reddy

Associate Professor of Anthropology

Office Hours, MWF 2 to 5

I hold my breath as I stand in front of Dr. Merritt Reddy’s office. I’ve questioned my decision to come here dozens of times and nearly turned my car around on the interstate. I should’ve gone to George first, told him and let him decide what to tell his wife. But can I trust him to tell her the truth? If I leave it to him and he doesn’t tell her, I’ll walk around feeling guilty forever. She deserves to know about me as much as I deserved to know about her.

I hate him for putting me in the position he did, but I refuse to hate myself. I need to do this.

I lift my fist to knock on the wooden door, but it opens before I can, and I’m suddenly standing in front of the woman I saw George kissing in his front yard. Her long blond hair is tied back today, and the glasses on the tip of her nose rise higher when she scrunches up her face in a frown.

“Can I help you?”

“Um, yes. I’m . . . Yes. Dr. Reddy, my name’s Shayleigh Jackson. I was wondering if we could speak privately?”

Sighing, she rolls her shoulders back and presses her office door open, gesturing me inside. “I was going to get some coffee, but I suppose that can wait.”

“Thank you.” My voice shakes and I fear I might throw up on the lovely blue and gray rug covering her office floor. So, this is what it feels like to destroy a family. I’m a walking, talking time bomb, and she’s just invited me into her office.

She waves to the gray armchairs just inside the door and waits for me to sit before she takes the one opposite me. “You’re George’s PhD candidate, is that right? I understand you’ve really blown away the whole committee with the work on your dissertation. George is very proud of you.”

Bile rises in my stomach. She’s not making this any easier. “I’m surprised he talks about me at all,” I admit.

“Oh, of course he does. George lives and breathes for his graduate students. You’ve been a bit of a passion project for him the last couple of years.”

You have no idea. “Have you and he . . . been together long?”

She smiles. “It’s all relative, I suppose. We’ve lived together for ten years or so, been married for five. Our daughter is four.”

I feel lightheaded, and the room feels like it tilts sideways. I gulp in air.

“You look a little pale, darling. Can I get you some water?”

“No, I’m fine.” I just want to get this over with. “I’m really sorry to come here like this, Dr. Reddy. I want you to know that I thought a long time before I decided to come.”

She arches a brow. “Okay.”

“Before I say anything else, I want you to know that regardless of what you decide to do, I don’t like being in this position. Family is everything to me. But I had to come.”

She folds her hands in her lap and studies me with a tilt of her head. “Maybe you should start at the beginning. You’re not making much sense.”

Another wave of nausea slams into me, and sweat breaks out on my forehead. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. In and out. In and out. “George and I have been . . .” God. I cannot say it. I can’t be the reason this family falls apart. Can’t be the reason this woman loses her husband or their child loses her father.

Too late for that, Shay.

She holds up a hand. “Before you do this, I want you to ask yourself if you really want to be the kind of woman who lies and manipulates to steal a married man who doesn’t even want her.” The kindness from her voice earlier is gone now.

“What?” Heat blazes in my cheeks. She thinks I’m here to tell her lies? In an attempt to . . . steal George from her? Does she know we slept together?

“He told me you were being rather immature about everything.”

What exactly did he tell her? I feel like they’ve been laughing at me behind my back, and it feels . . . ugly.

Her lips quirk. “Darling, I’m not sure what kind of man you thought George was, but he’s happily married with a daughter he adores. He doesn’t want you.”

“I’m so sorry. You have no idea how awful I feel, and I regret what I’m here to say, but it’s nothing but the truth.”

She holds up a hand. That’s when I notice the ring on her finger. The ring I thought he’d gotten for me. The one he told me he was taking to his safe deposit box. Such a liar. “Stop. Please. My husband already told me that you threw yourself at him and he turned you down. And now you’re trying to rewrite history so I’ll—what? Step aside and you can keep him for yourself? Stop while you’re ahead. I’m embarrassed for you, and this whole scene is insulting to me and to my husband.”

“I’m sorry. I . . . What?”

“What do you want from me? Pity? Poor little grad student fell in love with her professor and doesn’t want to let him go.” She shakes her head. “He told me about you. How you’re so scared of what’s next that you’re looking for a man to take you under his wing. I think he made it clear that he will not be that man when you tried to take him to bed.”

I feel like I’ve been slapped, but at the same time, anger makes my nails bite into my palms. That fucking liar told his wife I tried to sleep with him. Is this some crazy dream? Am I still in bed with Easton? Maybe I fell asleep and only dreamed about making excuses to leave. Maybe I haven’t actually left for Chicago yet. But I swallow, lift my chin, and say what I have to say as clearly as I can. “I don’t know what your husband told you, but I’m only here because I thought you deserved to know the truth. George and I have been sleeping together. Until last week, we were in a relationship.”

“Sure you were.” She sighs. “You’re a lovely girl, and I know why you’d be interested in my husband. I wasn’t surprised when he told me you came on to him. You’re not the first student to get romantic delusions.”

My face is so hot, and I can’t decide if I’m embarrassed or angry or some other emotion that strikes in the middle of this Bizarro World alternate universe I’ve found myself in. She truly believes that George turned me down and I’m here because I’m jealous.

“I know it can be intense to finish a dissertation, and I’m sure you’re dealing with a lot of emotions right now. But I’m not sure what you hoped to accomplish by barging in here and trying to ruin a good marriage. Do you think this will make him want you?”

I grab my purse off the floor and slip it onto my shoulder. “I’ll leave now.” I stomp toward the door but stop when my hand is on the handle. Slowly, I turn around. “If you knew the truth, if you’d listen, you’d be as angry with him about this as I am.”

“Child—”

“No. You don’t get to treat me like a little girl. I’m thirty years old. This isn’t about me having some crush on your husband. The problem here is that he never told me he was married. Not when he started sleeping with me. Not after. I didn’t know about you until last week.” Her jaw drops, and I think I’ve finally shocked her, but I push past my mild satisfaction at that and keep going. “If you were wise, you’d hear me out. We both deserved to know the truth, especially considering he and I were having sex without condoms. By keeping the full truth from me, he denied me the choice that should’ve been mine to make, and now I’m pregnant with a married man’s baby.”

“You’re . . . pregnant?” She’s pale. She actually looks like she might be sick.

I shake my head slowly. I’m not done. “And by assuming I came here to lie, by assuming I’d go to such disgusting lengths because I want him, you’re only enabling a lying womanizer. Shame on you. If you want to believe him, go for it. Personally, I want nothing to do with him.”

Easton

Me: Come over for dinner? I’m grilling steaks.

Shay: Not tonight. I’m tired.

Me: You could come over and nap? My bed is pretty damn comfortable if you recall.

Shay: I just need a night at home.

Shay

This shocks her. “You really must be feeling ill. But honestly, the coffee is probably harder on your stomach than the alcohol, so good call.”