If It's Only Love (Lexi Ryan) novel Chapter 35

Shay

Molly and Brayden’s wedding isn’t a big or formal enough affair to warrant a rehearsal, but the couple decided they still wanted to do the traditional “rehearsal dinner”—just to spread out the festivities a little.

We hired Nic’s sister to watch all the kids and met up at Jackson Brews for dinner, and I found myself the only Jackson sibling without a date. Everyone is settling down and settling in. Hell, none of my brothers have ever been as happy as they all are right now. And me? My life is a deck of cards and I’ve just stepped into an endless game of fifty-two pickup, but knowing my brothers are so happy makes me feel a little steadier, though my own future is foggy at the moment.

Despite the meal being over, no one seems in a rush to go. I totally understand why my family is lingering, but I just got off a plane an hour before the meal, so between jet lag and first-trimester exhaustion, my bed is calling my name.

I tap Mom’s arm. “I’m going to head out.”

She squeezes my hand. “We didn’t get a chance to talk about your interview. Do you like the school?”

I’m flooded with adoration for this woman. She didn’t just birth me. She raised me and loved me and showed me what it means to be a mom. Because of her, I know I’m going to do all right by this baby. “The campus was beautiful, and I think the interview went well. They’re going to make a decision by the end of the month.”

“I don’t want you to go, Shay, but I’ll be fine if this job is what you want. We’ll all miss you, but we’re your family no matter where you live.” Her gaze flicks to my untouched wine—Brayden poured—and back to me before curling her lips into a knowing smile. “You have news you’ve been keeping from me, and I can’t figure out why.”

My laughter takes even me by surprise and comes out as a bit of a giggle-snort. “Of course you know. You probably knew before me.”

“I knew the day Easton came back to town and you didn’t drink your champagne. You’re a fan of liquid courage, and something had to be off for you to push it aside that day.”

She knew before I did. Of course. “I found out Monday,” I whisper. “And I’m scared and surprised, but I’m not sad—not about the baby part, at least.”

“The man from school is the father?” she asks.

I nod.

“Will he be involved?”

I shake my head.

“Maybe that’s for the best, huh?”

“How would you even know that?”

She wipes my cheek, like she’s washing away a messy child’s dinner. “He didn’t make you happy. I could see that.”

“After we broke up, I found out . . .” I squeeze her hand tightly. “He’s married, Mama. I didn’t know, and now his wife has asked him to move out and a little girl might grow up without her dad.” I drop my gaze to our hands. “And I think it would be easier to move away than to see you every day knowing I’ve disappointed you. I’m so ashamed.”

“Why is that your shame to carry if you didn’t know?” She leans forward in her seat and pulls me into her arms, rocking me back and forth gently. “I could never be disappointed in you. You make me proud every day.”

I give myself three deep breaths before I say, “I didn’t want to be like Ann. Tearing apart families.”

“Ann Friedman?” Mom releases me and gives me her patented I thought I told you to say no to drugs look. “What about this situation makes you like her?”

“Easton said Dad was in love with her.”

Mom snorts. “In her dreams. Don’t you remember Ann?”

“A little.”

“Do you remember the time she told everyone—including the police—that she was held up by Santa Claus at the bank? And then security footage showed her giving the money to that homeless guy right outside?”

I nod. “I’d forgotten that.”

“Or the time she told you that you wouldn’t get your period if you never wore red?”

Oh, wow. I’d forgotten that too. “She was a little nuts, wasn’t she?”

“She just marched to her own drummer. She had a thing for your dad and”—She points to her head—”trust me, the comments she made that implied her feelings were reciprocated were the reason for all this gray hair. But she never threatened our family, because your father wasn’t interested.”

“What’s happening over there?” Levi asks from across the table. “Are you two okay?”

“We’re fine,” I say quickly. I’m so glad I didn’t share that story with anyone else in the last seven years, but I wish I’d asked Mom.

Mom lifts a brow then nods meaningfully toward my brothers. I nod too, giving her the permission I know she’s looking for. “Shay’s expecting a baby. We’re just happy about a new blessing for this family.”

“You’re pregnant?” Levi says, and Brayden says, “What the fuck? I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone.” And at right about the same time, Jake says, “Is it Easton’s?”

“I’m not the baby’s father.” The soft, achingly familiar voice has me tearing my gaze off my brothers and whipping around to look at Easton. I don’t know when he walked into the bar, but he looks about as tired as I feel. He’s wearing a loose white button-up with sleeves rolled up to his elbows and khaki slacks. “But I’ll be the dad if Shayleigh will let me.”

I didn’t think it was possible, but those words seem to stun my entire family to silence. Especially me. Even Mom’s quiet, though she is smirking beside me.

“What did you just say?” I ask softly.

Easton smiles. “I said it’ll depend on you, but I’ve made my choice.” His intense gaze slides from my eyes down to my shoes, and something inside me shimmies in response. His nearness sends an electric current of energy through me every time. “You look . . .” He swallows hard and attempts a smile. “Just beautiful.”

I glance down at the simple blue dress I borrowed from Teagan. It’s fitted through the body and stops at the knees. I won’t be able to wear dresses like this much longer . . . at least not if I don’t want to advertise my pregnancy. “Thank you.”

“Can we talk?” he asks. He casts a glance over his shoulder and toward the exit. “I have some things I’d like to say. In private, if that’s okay.”

We’re quiet as we walk toward Lakeshore Drive, neither in a hurry to start this conversation. I don’t know why he’s waiting to say what he has to say, but I know why I am. I want what he offered in the restaurant, but I’m afraid he’s not offering it for the right reasons. I want Easton to be my family, my partner, and my baby’s dad—even if he’ll never be its genetic father. But I also know how honorable Easton is. I know why he offered what he did.

The light turns at Lakeshore Drive, and he takes my hand as we cross. His touch is everything I’ve spent the last forty-eight hours telling myself it isn’t. It’s comfort and peace and home.

He shakes his head. “You’ve asked me before. You’ve asked me why I want to be with you, and you asked because you needed me to explain it. You asked because you didn’t believe it. Ask me now.”

“Ask me why I want you.”

Does he know how fragile I am? Does he understand that I don’t have the energy or the emotional fortitude to write my own love poem? “I already know. Same reasons I want to be with you, right?”

He grins, like the question itself is a gift. “I want to be with you because I think about you all the time. Sometimes when you’re away from me, I convince myself I’ve made up how good it feels to have you close, because there’s no way one person could make me feel so damn good. But then I’m near you again—like right now—and I know I was right.”