If It's Only Love (Lexi Ryan) novel Chapter 34

Shay

I’m officially avoiding my apartment. I started packing it up yesterday in an emotional rush of energy. Even if I planned to stay in Jackson Harbor, and I don’t, I’d have to leave my tiny third-floor walk-up. It won’t be practical with a baby, never mind that it only has one bedroom.

I go to Teagan’s and smile when she opens the door. “Can I hang for a while?”

“Always.”

“Want to order in? I think I’m officially past the no-appetite part of this pregnancy and into the clichéd cravings part.”

“I . . .” Her gaze shifts to the living room just beyond the foyer.

And that’s the moment when I realize Teagan isn’t home alone. In the living room, Carter stops with a beer halfway to his lips. And halfway between me and the couch, Easton stands paralyzed, staring at me in wide-eyed shock.

“Easton’s here,” she says quietly. “Nic took both girls to gymnastics.”

Shit. I wasn’t ready for this yet. I might not ever be.

I turn around and open the door she just closed, pushing outside onto the porch.

“You sonofabitch!” I hear Carter say behind me. “I listened to your whole damn sob story, and now you’re telling me you got my sister pregnant?”

I close the door before I can hear Easton’s response. The porch swing is either too high or I’m too short, because my feet dangle a good foot off the ground as I let the swing rock me back and forth.

When the door opens again, I look up expecting to see Teagan, but it’s Easton stepping out onto the porch with me. Easton, who doesn’t want to raise another man’s baby again. Easton, who just wants a simple life where he can focus on his daughter and avoid all the drama.

He studies the spot next to me, and whether because of my mood or because he can’t stomach the thought of being that close to me right now, he seems to think better of sitting there and leans against the porch rail instead. His jaw ticks as he stares at me. “You’re pregnant.”

I nod jerkily.

“And it’s not . . .”

I shake my head. I wish it were Easton’s. The thought takes me back to when I was twenty years old and so immature, trying to wish myself pregnant so maybe he’d choose me over Scarlett. But of course, I wasn’t. Easton was always too careful for that.

He pivots and faces the street. Good. Maybe this’ll be easier if I can’t see his face. Even if . . . even if watching him turn his back on me shakes me at my fault lines.

“I didn’t know until this week,” I say. I cannot stand the idea of him thinking even for a minute that I’m like his ex-wife—that I would have deceived him the way she did.

“That’s why you asked, though,” he says. “Monday . . . when you asked if I’d make the same choice.”

I swallow. “I know you probably don’t want to talk to me right now, and I don’t blame you. I’m leaving for the airport in the morning.”

He spins to face me. “What?”

“For the interview in L.A.”

“Your brother’s getting married on Saturday.”

That’s what he’s worried about? That I’ll miss the wedding? “I’ll be home in time for the family dinner Friday night, no worries.”

“I mean . . . You’ve put family first. You decided to stay, and now you’re gonna run away and leave them all behind?”

I don’t want to talk about moving away from my family. I just . . . can’t. I shrug uselessly.

“Does he know?”

“He knows.”

“And is he going to L.A. with you?”

“No.” Does he think that’s how this works? That if I can’t have him, I’ll take George, despite the lies? Despite the fact that my heart belongs to Easton? My thoughts muddle and blur, and the world around me seems hazy. “All I know is I have to have a way to take care of this baby. I have to make that my priority.”

He closes his eyes. “By moving to L.A.”

“There are some things that aren’t clear to me, but I want to be a mom. This baby was unexpected and unplanned but not unwanted.”

“How can you say that when he is the father? He was married and slept with you.”

“So were you!” I push myself off the swing. I shouldn’t have come here. But one thing is clear. I have to move. Because I don’t think I can survive seeing Easton all the time and knowing he’ll never be mine.

“Were you going to tell me?”

“I should’ve told you the second you opened your door on Monday. I know that. I just . . .” What excuse do I have? I wanted one more time with you? I didn’t think my heart would survive losing you a third time?

His eyes are watery, and he tilts his face up to the ceiling of the covered porch. “Trying to raise this baby alone in L.A. is a big mistake.”

“I don’t need your approval.” I walk to where I parked my car on the street, only looking back when I open the door. He’s not running after me. He’s just standing there, staring at the ground. I didn’t realize that part of me was hoping that when circumstances turned against us a third time, he might choose me anyway. And watching him stand there, watching him let me go, I feel my heart break once more.

Easton

Shay walked away, and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.

It’s been an hour since she stormed off the porch at her brother’s house and left me behind to deal with my shock and confusion.

She’s having his baby.

There’s part of me that keeps waiting for her to track me down and say it was all a bad joke. A mistake. Anything.

We’ve never been able to get the timing right. Before I left for L.A., she was too young. Then Scarlett was pregnant; then Abi was sick. And now . . .

She’s having his baby.

“You look like hell,” Carter says, sliding into the booth across from me.

Shay walked away, and I came to Jackson Brews. I let the nanny know I’d be home late, and I fully intended on getting completely shitfaced. But so far I haven’t had more than a couple of sips of my beer, and the double Bulleit I ordered sits untouched in front of me.

“You okay?” he asks.

“She’s having his baby.” The words are no easier to say after an hour of hearing them on repeat in my head.

Carter grabs my bourbon and takes a big swig, grimacing a little as he puts it back down. “The situation’s so fucked up. First of all, I can’t even wrap my brain around Shay getting involved with this guy to begin with, but then, get this—according to Teagan, she had a talk with him and they agreed he wouldn’t be part of the baby’s life. Who does that?”

“I know, but Abi and I talk about it. We talk about how words matter and we choose the words we use for our relationship. While I might not be her biological father, I am her dad. That has nothing to do with DNA. Fuck, look at my father. He’s the best evidence to prove that doesn’t mean shit.”

“I’d say you’re the best evidence of that, East. You are a great dad to Abi.”

“She’ll land on her feet. This is Shay.” But it burns like hell.

“It’s not that I don’t think she can do it. She’s going to be an amazing mom. But hell, Easton. I watched your mom. It was so much harder for her than it was for my parents, and there were six of us. It’s just harder without a partner, and I don’t want that for her.” He sighs. “Also something you’re familiar with.”