I Swear I Still Hate Him (Atlas Lawson) novel Chapter 119

Chapter 119

Emery’s POV

SPLASH.

Why do I love the water?

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Is it the stillness? The way it glistens blue when the sun hits just right? Or maybe how it wraps around your skin like a second heartbeat?

Well… not exactly.

I love the water because she loved it.

My mom.

She was always her happiest in it, soaked hair sticking to her checks, eyes crinkled with laughter, that bright, carefree smile that made the world feel light.

When I was little, I thought the water gave her that happiness. Like maybe it was magic. Silly, I know. But when you’re a kid, the line between real and make-believe is kinda blurry.

Maybe that’s why I never stopped loving it.

Because for a few moments, floating in the deep, I feel that happiness too.

Simple, right?

Yeah… simple. But true.

I ducked under again, holding my breath for a few seconds, letting everything go quiet.

When I came back up, I pushed my wet hair off my face, blinking water from my lashes, and then I heard it.

“Emery.”

I turned, water dripping from my lashes as I blinked up at the velce. A slow smile tugged at my lips when I saw her standing by the edge of the pool.

Mom.

God, she looked beautiful. Like, almost too beautiful, like something out of a dream. Her golden hair, the same exact shade as mine, hung in soft waves down her back. Long, too long. I swear she’s needed a trim since last Christmas. She was wearing her favorite sunflower dress. The one Dad gave her for her birthday. She owned a hundred dresses, but that one was her go- to. She always said it made her feel like sunshine.

She smiled at me, the kind of smile that made your heart ache i the best way. Her skin practically glowed, soft and golden in the light. The whole thing felt… surreal.

“Honey, it’s getting late. Come out of the water before you catch cold.”

“Okay, Mom,” I said, still smiling.

I ducked under one last time, feeling the water wrap around ineke a blanket, then swam toward the edge. My fingers touched the tiles, and I hoisted myself up, water pouring down my arms. She was already there, waiting with a fluffy white towel. She wrapped it around me like she used to when I was lin, tucking it under my arms, rubbing my wet hair gently with her hand.

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Chapter 119

“Thanks, Mom,” I said, my voice soft.

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“Of course, baby. Now let’s get you something warm,” she said, fr arm looping around me.

We walked back to the beach house, side by side. I leaned into her warmth without even realizing it.

The second we stepped inside, my nose twitched.

Wait. Was that…?

My eyes flew to the kitchen, and I gasped. “Oh my god. Did you make it?!”

She chuckled, her voice soft and familiar. “Of course I did.”

I rushed toward the counter like a five-year-old on Christmas morning. Sitting there, center stage on a white ceramic plate, were fresh-baked cinnamon rolls.

Warm. Gooey. The icing melting just enough to make you want to eat five in a row.

My mouth practically watered. I turned back to her, wide-eyed. Can I take a bite?”

Mom laughed behind me. “It’s all yours, pumpkin.”

I didn’t wait. I grabbed a fork, slid into a chair at the dining table and took a massive bite. The second it hit my tongue, I let out a low, satisfied groan.

“Oh my god. This is so good,” I mumbled, already going in for another bite.

She leaned against the counter, watching me with that soft smile again.

I paused mid-chew, blinking down at the cinnamon roll.

“I missed this…” I whispered, then frowned. “Wait… why did I miss it? You make these every morning, right?”

The words came out without thinking, but they landed like a brick in my chest.

She didn’t say anything.

I kept eating, slower now.

“This is so good, Mom,” I said again, almost to fill the silence.

A

“I’m glad you love them, baby,” she said gently, her voice laced with something… I don’t know. Sadness? Love? Both?

I took another bite, letting the cinnamon roll melt on my tongue before I spoke, “You know what’s crazy?”

Mom glanced at me, chin resting on her hand, just smiling like e already knew what was coming.

“Atlas makes me this,” I said, motioning to the plate. “And it tast just like yours.”

I paused, staring down at the dish like it held a damn memory 1.

“He makes it whenever I’m feeling down. Like the first time he made this? I had the worst cramps ever. I was moody as hell and probably a little bitchy, not gonna lie.”

We both laughed, and the sound felt so good and warm.

“I think I snapped at him that morning.. I get really cranky that me of the month. Stayed locked in my room the whole day, swearing off being a woman and lowkey wishing I was a crab

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Chapter 119

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More laughter. Her eyes crinkled in that way they used to whenever I told her dumb stories. God, I missed that.

“And when I finally walked out to the kitchen,” I continued, eyes oftening, “there it was. A cinnamon roll. Warm, gooey, perfect. Sitting on the counter with a little ‘get well soon’ note stuck under the plate.”

I smiled, the memory pulling at something deep in my chest. “Imight’ve seemed small, but it meant the world. I don’t even know how he knew that was my favorite….but he just did.”

I looked up slowly, catching Mom’s gaze, soft, warm, knowing. My throat tightened.

“He always knew how to make me happy. That’s why… that’s why he’s my Atlas. Because he never saw me as this ‘perfect golden girl’ that everyone else does. He saw me. Just Emery.”

My voice cracked a little at the end, and I blinked fast, brushing the heat from

my

cheeks.

“I talk a lot when it comes to him, huh?” I mumbled, rubbing the back of my neck.

Mom just smiled and reached for my hand. “I love it. Tell me everything. I wanna know it all.”

I grinned, heart warm, and followed her to the long couch. She wrapped her arm around me like she always used to when I was little, and we talked, about everything. About Atlas. About school. About random stuff that didn’t matter but somehow mattered so much.

At one point I looked up, my eyes lighting up. “You’d love him, you know. Like, seriously. We should totally invite him over for dinner!”

I jumped up from the couch, already picturing it, Atlas sitting across from her at the table, probably awkward but trying. Her teasing him. Him pretending not to be flustered. Us just… existing. Together.

“Why didn’t I think of that?” I said, pacing. “We could do like, game night after. Maybe bake something? Or…”

“Emery.”

I stopped mid-step.

Her voice. It was so soft. And when I turned to look at her, something in her eyes had shifted. It wasn’t the same warm glow from before.

There was… sadness.

“Mom?” I asked quietly, my chest tightening. “Did I… say something wrong?”

She stood up slowly, stepping toward me with a gentle smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. She cupped my face in her hands, thumbs brushing my cheeks.

“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered. “My little girl’s not so little anymore.”

I swallowed hard, already feeling that Jump build in my throat.

“You’re strong, you’re smart, and so, so beautiful,” she continued her voice shaking slightly. “And no matter what. I’ll always be here.”

She tapped a hand to my chest. Right over my heart.

My stomach dropped.

Something didn’t feel right. This felt too final. Too much like a goodbye.

“Mum…” I croaked.

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Chapter 119

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She leaned in and kissed my cheek. Then wrapped her arms around me like she was trying to memorize the way I felt.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you…. thank you… thank you

“I don’t wanna go,” I said, my voice breaking, throat raw.

She pulled back, hands still on my shoulders. Her eyes were shining now, just like mine. “Oh, my sweet girl. My beautiful, beautiful Emerald… there are people waiting for you.”

Tears spilled down my face, hot and uninvited. “But… what about you?”

She placed her hand over mine. “I’m always with you, baby…remember?”

“I…” My voice cracked. “I’m not ready…”

She gently wiped my tears away with her thumb. “And this isn’t our last visit, okay? Someday, not now, not for a long time, but someday, we’ll see each other again. And when we do, we’ll be together. Forever.”

I nodded, sobbing now as I clung to her.

“I love you, Mom.”

“I love you more,” she whispered, squeezing me tight.

I didn’t want to let go. I could’ve stayed there forever.

But she slowly turned us toward a glowing white door, and I knew what was coming.

“I need a favor, Emmy bear,” she said softly. “Walk toward the door… and please, don’t turn back.”

I nodded, even though my legs felt like bricks. My heart ached.

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