I Swear I Still Hate Him (Atlas Lawson) novel Chapter 121

Chapter 121

Atlas’s POV

It had been a month since Emery’s accident.

A whole damn month.

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A month since I came back to school without her. A month of staring at my phone, seeing all my texts to her still unread.

I guess I came to the realization that maybe she needed time. After everything that happened, I could understand the withdrawal… but damn, it hurt.

The room felt colder without her. My heart? Even worse.

People talked, of course. Rumors flew around like wildfire the first week. Most of it died down…well, not before I confronted two girls in the hallway after they laughed about her.

Yeah, I could handle whatever crap they had to say about me. But hearing them say awful things about Emery? That broke me in ways I didn’t expect.

And maybe I snapped.

I didn’t yell. I didn’t curse.

I just looked at them, dead in the eye, and said, “Say her name again. I dare you.”

That was enough. They shut up real quick. No one I knew had spoken about her since. At least that was handled… but things at the rink weren’t so good.

Howard hated me. I mean punch me in the face despise.

The first day we got back, he didn’t even say a word. Just walked straight up and punched me in the face. Hard. My head snapped to the side, my lip split, and I tasted blood instantly. Coach lost his shit and dragged him away, yelling about suspensions and discipline, but honestly? I didn’t even fight it..

He had every right to be mad.

If I had ended that call… if I had never confessed my feelings… things would’ve been so different. Maybe Emery wouldn’t have been driving distracted. Maybe she wouldn’t…

Stop.

I shut the thought down. It hurt too much.

The weeks felt like forever, but somehow the days still moved. Classes. Practice. Silence. And then finally, I was back home.

Back to her.

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Chapter 121

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I walked into the house, dropping my bag by the door, and immediately Mom wrapped her arms around me. Tight.

“Hi, Mom.”

She pulled back, hands gently cradling my face, her eyes scanning me like she was counting bones. “Why do you look like you lost a lot of weight?”

I forced a smile, even though my jaw still ached. “I’m fine, Mom.”

She didn’t look convinced. Her lips parted like she wanted to say more, but before she could…

“I can’t find Emery.”

Rory.

My stomach dropped.

“What?” I said, straightening.

“She’s not picking my calls,” Rory continued, panic creeping into her voice. “I’ve checked her room, the library, everywhere. I want to believe she’s just inside somewhere, but no one can find her.”

“I’ll go look for her,” I said immediately, already turning.

“No, Atlas,” Mom said quickly. “You just got home. You haven’t even sat for a minute.”

“It’s fine,” I said, flashing her a quick smile that didn’t reach my eyes. “I’ve got this.”

I was already walking away.

She’s fine.

I kept telling myself that as my feet carried me forward. I didn’t even know where I was going…I just followed instinct.

Please be okay, Emery.

A flashback hit me out of nowhere as I moved through the house,

“I can’t leave her like this.”

“So what, you want to throw your whole life away?”

“Yes! I love her, Mom. I… love her.”

The memory shattered when I heard it.

A loud splash.

My eyes widened.

14:33 Tue, Feb 3

Chapter 121

What the hell?

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Before I could fully process what I was seeing, I was already moving. My feet hit the edge of the pool, and I dove straight in, the cold water slapping against my skin like ice. Everything else vanished, there was only her.

Emery.

Her body was sinking fast, limbs heavy like she’d stopped fighting.

I swam hard, kicked faster, heart in my throat as I reached her. My arms wrapped around her, pulling her up, kicking toward the surface.

“Em…Em, I got you…I got you,” I muttered against her soaked hair as I dragged us up and toward the edge.

By the time we broke the surface, she was gasping, coughing. I held her tight with one arm, pulling us to the side with the other.

Once I had her out, I scrambled after her and grabbed the nearest towel, wrapping it around her shaking body. “It’s okay, I’m here,” I said quickly, trying to calm my breath as much as hers. My hand touched her back gently, reassuring, steady. “You’re okay.”

But then, she shoved me.

Hard.

“I’m fine,” she said coldly, eyes glassy and jaw clenched. “I was just going for a swim.”

I stared at her.

“Are you kidding me right now? That…” I pointed at the pool, trying not to lose it. “That didn’t look like a swim. What the hell were you thinking, Em? You could’ve gotten hurt or…”

“Died,” she cut in, grinning like it was some joke. “Well, wouldn’t that be better for everyone?”

My stomach dropped.

“What?” I whispered, barely able to say it.

She looked at me, still wet, her arms wrapped around herself like a shield. Her voice was steady, but her eyes, they weren’t. They were empty and tired and so damn sad.

“How can you say that…” I breathed. “How can you tell me something like that, Em?”

My jaw tightened, rain dripping from my hair, my hands twitching to hold her, but too scared she’d push me away again.

“You don’t get to do that,” I said, my voice cracking despite myself. “You don’t get to scare the shit out of me and act like it’s nothing. I thought…” I shook my head, fighting hard the tears. “I thought I was gonna lose you.”

She was silent, too silent, it bothered me.

14:33 Tue, Feb 3

Chapter 121

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“Say something… Please.”

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She let out a bitter laugh, one that didn’t sound anything like her. It was short and broken, and my stomach twisted hearing it.

“You always do that,” she muttered, not even looking at me. “You look at me like I’m still… me.”

My chest tightened. “You are you.”

She shook her head, fast and hard, her wet hair sticking to her cheek. “No. I’m not.”

Her voice cracked, and she hated that. I could see it in how her lips pressed together like she was cursing herself for showing even a sliver of emotion. She looked away, arms crossed tight like armor.

“You don’t get it, Atlas.”

“I’m trying to,” I said quietly. “I swear I am.”

She looked down at the water, then at her leg. Or, where it should’ve been. Her breath hitched, and she turned her face away from me, like she didn’t want me to see her like this. Sitting on the cold tile, dripping wet, missing a part of her.

“I don’t know who I am anymore,” she whispered. “Swimming was everything. It was my future. My escape. My…” She swallowed hard. “My identity.”

I got up to pick her prosthetic leg and, carefully kneeling beside her again. “Emery…”

“No,” she snapped. She couldn’t spin around…couldn’t even stand without it…but her voice spun all the fire she had left. “Don’t say it. Don’t say ‘you’re still enough’ or ‘it doesn’t change who you are’ because it does. It changes everything.” Her hands trembled as she gestured at herself, voice breaking, anger and hurt pouring out like water over a dam.

“Look at me… I don’t even have a leg. I’m some freak with some stupid robot leg!!” she yelled, yanking the prosthetic from my hands and flinging it across the deck with a choked sob.

I stared at it for a second, just lying there, like some twisted metaphor for how far gone she felt. Then I stood, walked over silently, and picked it up again.

She sat there, back turned, arms hugging herself tightly. Her chin trembled, and I could see the tears falling before I even got back to her.

I came down to my knees in front of her, again. The floor was soaked, freezing, but I didn’t care.

“You are not a freak, Emery Collins,” I said quietly, locking eyes with her. “You’re still the Emery I know. You’re smart, strong, determined…” I leaned closer, brushing wet strands of hair behind her ear. “Beautiful. And you are…and always will be, a badass swimmer.”

She blinked. Hard.

“Just ’cause shit happens doesn’t mean it defines us. You can’t just give up, Emery. You’ve got so much to offer this world. And it’s gonna be a damn shame if we never get to see it.”

14:33 Tue, Feb 3

Chapter 121

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Her jaw trembled. Her eyes glistened.

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Then she crashed into me, arms wrapping around my neck so tight it knocked the air out of my lungs. I held her just as hard, my hand cradling the back of her head as her body shook in my arms.

“God, I’ve missed you so much,” she whispered.

My throat felt tight. “I missed you too… I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have gone.”

We just held each other. Everything else disappeared. It was just her. Me. Her heart racing against mine.

But the moment didn’t last.

“Emery! Emery!!”

The voices were coming fast, Rory, the butler, and a couple of other staff. I pulled back just as Rory burst onto the pool deck, wide-eyed and panicked.

He didn’t even hesitate. He moved straight to Emery and scooped her up bridal-style, like she weighed nothing, water dripping off her as she clung to my gaze over his shoulder.

Neither of us looked away.

Not until she disappeared behind the tall hedges.

***

Later that night, back in my room, I just sat on the edge of the bed. Still half-wet. Still fully wrecked. The door creaked open, and Mom walked in with a tray.

“Made some hot cocoa,” she said softly. “Just what you need after freezing your butt off out there.”

She took one look at me and paused. Then she rushed over, setting the tray down as she crouched in front of

“Atlas… are you crying?”

Her fingers brushed under my eyes gently. I didn’t even know I was.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

My throat was tight. My voice cracked.

“I’ve never seen her in so much pain,” I whispered. “Mom… she looked hurt. And broken.”

Mom wrapped her hands around mine. “She’s stronger than she knows. She’s just going through something dark. But she’ll find her way back.”

I shook my head slowly. “I shouldn’t have left. I should’ve stayed. She needed someone, and I wasn’t there. I thought I was doing the right thing, but…I let her think she was alone. It’s all my fault.”

14:33 Tue, Feb 3

Chapter 121

“Enough!”

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My head snapped up. She rarely…never…raised her voice at me. Her expression softened instantly. She cupped my face again, thumbs brushing my cheek.

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” she said gently. “But listen to me.”

She paused, eyes steady on mine.

“Remember the promise you made to me… on the night of my wedding?”

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14:33 Tue, Feb 3