I Swear I Still Hate Him (Atlas Lawson) novel Chapter 188

Fri, Apr

Chapter 188

Chapter 188

Emery’s POV

Just when I finally got him back, I used my own messed-up emotions to shove him away.

Why?

I had asked myself that question at least a thousand times since last night.

Why the hell did I say that?

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Why did I have to reach for the ugliest words I could find and throw them at the one man who never stopped showing up for me?

Was that the plan? Play savior, make me cry, then hope I’d finally..

I groaned and snatched up my pillow, screaming into it so hard my throat hurt. The words echoed in my head anyway.

Loud.

Ugly.

Unforgivable.

I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling, my chest tight my stomach twisted. Atlas had done the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me. He saw something in me I was trying to bury and, instead of judging me, he tried to hand it back with both hands.

And what did I do?

I hurt him.

I pushed him away.

I sat up too fast and rubbed both hands over my face.

“Good job, Emery,” I muttered bitterly. “Real impressive.”

I dragged myself out of bed and walked into the kitchen, hoping maybe…

stupidly, irrationally, that he’d be there.

He wasn’t.

Of course he wasn’t.

The penthouse felt too quiet without him in it. Too big. Too still. But sitting on the counter was a plate.Fresh waffles. Bacon. A glass of orange juice. And beside it, a note in Atlas’s handwriting.

Heading for practice.

That was it.

Short. Simple. Normal.

Which somehow made it worse. I picked up the note and stared at it, my throat tightening all over again. Even after everything I said, he still made me breakfast. I let out a broken gh and dropped the note back onto the counter.

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Chapter 188

“Nope,” I whispered to myself, shaking my head. “I don’t deserve this.”

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I deserved burned toast. An empty fridge. My card getting declined for emotional damages. Something dramatic and humiliatin

Not Atlas Laws

still being kind.

I sat down anyw

and forced myself to eat, because starving to leath over guilt sounded poetic in theory and stupid in

practice.

The waffles were amazing.

Naturally.

Atlas could apparently skate, fight, comfort people, and cook like somebody’s hot husband in a commercial.

And somehow, even with how good it tasted, every bite still felt like ash in my mouth because all I could think about was his face when I said those words.

That stillness in him.

That little nod.

That quiet, I’m sorry I overstepped.

God.

I pressed my lips together and looked down at my plate.

When I finished, I carried everything to the sink, rinsed it off, and went back to my room feeling even worse.

I sat on the edge of

bed and just… stayed there.

My phone buzzed beside me.

I stared at

crisis.

a

Tommy: ARE YOU

All caps,

Yeah.

ll five seconds before picking it up, because suddenly I didn’t have the emotional range for another

SURE you wanna let this go??

That was how important this gig was. The kind of gig girls in my world would kill for. Smile through pain for. Sell their left

heel for.

And still…

Me: Yeah.

I hit send, tossed my phone onto the bed, and fell backward besle it, staring up at the fake stars stuck across my ceiling.

The truth was, I had tried.

After enrolling in fashion school, after trying to rebuild something that looked like a future, after stepping into the modeling world and letting it carry me somewhere new-I still went back

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Chapter 188

I tried to return to swimming.

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As kind and welcoming as everyone in fashion had been, there was always this part of me that felt… displaced.

Like I was borrowing someone else’s dream.

Like I was wearing a beautiful version of a life that didn’t quite belong to me.

So a year later, I left.

Quietly.

Reached out to a para swim program.

And somehow, by luck, by grace, by some miracle I definitely didn’t deserve, the coach gave me a chance.

I remember how hopeful I was that day. How terrified. How I kept telling myself that if I just got back in the water, everything would click. My body would remember. My soul would remember. But the second I got in the pool…

I turned onto my side and squeezed my eyes shut. My chest tightened just thinking about it. The water that used to feel like home suddenly felt wrong. Cold in the wrong way.

Heavy.

Hostile.

Like every part of it was reminding me what I lost.

I’d pushed off the wall and my body had frozen almost immediately. My lungs tightened. My arms lost rhythm. My head

filled with noise.

You’re not enough.

You’re broken.

You don’t belong here anymore.

The memory hit so hard I gasped and sat halfway up in bed, dragging in air like my body had forgotten this was just a memory.

My hand flew to my chest.

“God,” I whispered, trying to steady my breathing.

I hated this feeling.

Hated that even after all this time, my trauma still haunted me.

Hated that I still felt broken in ways nobody could see.

And more than anything…..

I hated what I said to Atlas.

Because out of everyone in the world, he was the one person who had seen me at my worst and never once stopped loving me through it.

And I still found a way to wound him.

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Chapter 188

****

P

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I couldn’t do this anymore.

One hour passed.

Then two.

By the third, I was already grabbing my coat and heading for the door.

I had to see Atlas.

Had to tell him the awful shit I said last night wasn’t true. That I didn’t mean any of it. That I was scared and defensive and stupid, but never cruel where he was concerned. At least… I never wanted to be.

As I slid into the Uber, I twisted my hands together in my lap so hard my knuckles ached.

Please still be at practice.

Please want to see me.

Please don’t look at me like I broke something you can’t fix.

By the time I got there, the guys were already walking out.

My pulse jumped straight into my throat.

And then I saw him.

Atlas.

040

The second his eyes landed on me, he said something to Rhys, then broke away and started walking over.

Fast.

“Hey,” he said the second he reached me, his voice low, eyes moving over me. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, blinking at him. “Why?”

His gaze dropped.

I followed it.

And nearly died on the spot.

My slippers.

My plush bear slippers.

Oh my God.

In my rush to leave, I’d thrown on a coat, gotten into a car, and me all the way here wearing fuzzy bear slippers like a woman who had escaped a mental institution.

Great.

Just great.

I looked back up at him and caught the way his mouth twitched

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Chapter 188

Then he let out a small laugh.

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“It’s really cute,” he said, and I swear it only made me more embarrassed because he’d definitely seen these slippers before at the penthouse.

I smiled anyway, mostly out of relief that he was smiling at all.

“Yeah,” I said, glancing down at my feet. “Just… not exactly what you pair with a coat.”

That got another small smile

of him.

I took a breath.

“Are you busy?” I asked, even though

He shook his head. “Nah.”

he was literally walking out of practice and probably exhausted.

I swallowed, suddenly aware of everything all at once.

The guys nearby… My stupid slippers…. The fact that I had no clue how to start.

“I… well…” I cleared my throat, my fingers gripping the edge of my coat. “How do I… I’m…”

Atlas tilted his head, his expression softening.

“Want to take this in the car?” he asked gently.

Yes. Please. Before I collapse into the parking lot and become one with the

I nodded quickly, and he led me to his car.

pavement.

The second the doors shut and it was just the two of us, my nerves got worse.

Not better.

الموسوية

Worse.

Because now there was nowhere to hide.

I turned toward him, but the words stuck in my throat for a second when I met his eyes.

Those gray eyes.

Still soft. Still patient. Still Atlas.

ん

“I…” I started, then forced myself to keep going. “I’m sorry about last night.” My voice shook a little, and I hated it. “I didn’t

mean it.”

He didn’t look surprised.

He just nodded once.

“I know.”

I blinked at him. “Wait… what?”

A tiny, tired smile touched his mouth. “Because I know you, Em Then his eyes held mine a little more seriously. “But even knowing that… it still stung.”

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Chapter 188

My chest tightened.

Of course it did.

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I dropped my gaze to my hands. “I know.” I exhaled shakily. “And for that, I’m sorry. Again.”

Then, because apparently my mouth still hated me, I kept talking.

“You don’t need to go that far for me to open my legs.”

I froze.

Oh no.

Oh no, no, no.

My eyes widened so hard they practically hurt.

“That’s not…” I clapped a hand over my mouth for half a second, then yanked it back down. “I mean, that’s not what I meant.” My face was on fire now. “Well… I do want you to fuck me, but not because there has to be some sad emotional reason for it or…”

I shut my eyes.

“I’m gonna stop talking now,” I muttered.

When I opened them again, Atlas was staring at me like he was trying very hard not to laugh and lose his mind at the same time.

My whole face felt about ten shades redder than a tomato.

And just when I was seconds away from opening the car door and throwing myself onto the pavement in humiliation, he leaned in and kissed me.

Soft.

Slow.

Calm in a way that immediately settled all the frantic noise in my chest.

I melted into it before I could stop myself. When he pulled back his forehead stayed resting against mine, and I could still feel his breath on my mouth.

“I’m not mad at you..okay,” he said quietly. “I just need you to know something.”

I swallowed,

His hand came up and brushed a piece of hair back from my face.

“I’m always here for you, Em.” His voice stayed low, steady, “The good, the bad, the ugly, Show me all of it.”

My throat went dry.

Completely dry.

Because God.

How was one man this good?

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Chapter 188

How was he still looking at me like that after I’d hurt him?

My eyes burned again, but this time I smiled through it.

“I will,” I whispered.

And I meant it.

I took a breath and forced myself to say the next part before fear could talk me out of it.

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“Starting now…” I looked at him, nerves and hope tangling together in my chest. “Could we go to the penthouse pool?”

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