I Swear I Still Hate Him (Atlas Lawson) novel Chapter 41

Chapter 41

Chapter 41

Emery’s POV

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Howard picked up another piece of paper, scribbled something down, and slid it across the table toward me like we were passing secret notes in a high school detention.

You okay?

I stared at the words for a second before lifting my gaze to meet his. His brows were pulled together slightly, concern softening his normally easygoing expression. I shook my head, a quiet sigh escaping me. Honestly, what was the point of pretending? I felt like a cracked teacup being held together by hope and caffeine.

He didn’t say anything, just dropped his gaze and scribbled something else. A second later, another note slid toward me.

Wanna get out of here?

I blinked. Then glanced down at my notes, well, the sad excuse for them. Scribbles, question marks, half- baked sentences on marginal utility of demand, or whatever the hell that meant. My brain was fogged up, and no matter how long I sat there, nothing was going in.

Even if I stayed another five hours, I’d still be sitting here looking like I was trying to decode ancient hieroglyphics.

I nodded. Sure.

***

“Are you trying to kidnap me?” I teased, raising an eyebrow as I took the helmet from him.

Howard grinned, that kind of boyish grin that made you feel like you were the only one who got to see it. “If I was, I’d offer you snacks first. That’s basic kidnapping etiquette.”

I laughed despite myself, shaking my head. “Good to know you’ve got standards.”

I hesitated just a second longer, eyeing the sleek black bike like it might bite. I wasn’t kidding, I was horrible with anything that moved faster than a hair dryer.

Howard must’ve noticed my internal crisis because he leaned slightly and said, softer this time, “I promise I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Damn it. Why’d he have to go and say that with those eyes?

With a sigh, and maybe a slightly dramatic one, I slipped the helmet on and got on behind him.

He waited.

Oh.

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My arms hovered awkwardly for a beat before I finally wrapped them around his waist. “If I die,” I muttered, “delete my browser history.”

He laughed again, loud enough to make me smile against his back. “Deal.”

The ride was… not what I expected.

Okay, so yes, I screamed the first time he sped up. And maybe I tightened my grip around his waist so much he probably lost circulation. But after a while, it wasn’t terrifying.

It was freeing.

The wind whipped through the open gaps of my helmet, the campus lights flashing by in a blur, and for a few minutes, it felt like I was flying.

Not drowning in expectations. Not spiraling over practice. Not stuck in my own head.

Just air. Speed. And Howard.

The bike came to a slow, careful stop beneath a canopy of trees, the sound of rain tapping softly on the leaves above us like nature’s lullaby. I pulled off the helmet, my hair a mess, slightly damp at the tips. But I didn’t

care.

Because in front of us… was this.

A lake.

Still. Quiet. Almost sacred.

The kind of place you could cry or scream or just be, and no one would judge you for it.

“This is…” I whispered, breath caught somewhere in my chest, “amazing.”

Howard climbed off, helmet tucked under one arm as he looked at the water like it was a friend. “Yeah,” he said softly.

My eyes moved across the shimmering surface, dotted with ripples from the fading drizzle. Trees framed the edges like a painting, and in the middle of it all, a lonely wooden bench sat facing the water, half-wet, half- dry, like it had been waiting for someone to notice it.

I turned to him. “How’d you find this place?”

He shrugged, running a hand through his messy hair. “I get in my head a lot,” he said, voice quiet. “Needed somewhere I could just… think. So I started driving around. One day I found this lake. Been coming ever

since.”

I gave him a teasing look, nudging him with my elbow. “So what you’re saying is… you brought me to your sacred place?”

His mouth twitched into a smile. “I’m not really a sharer.”

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Chapter 41

I raised a brow. “Could’ve fooled me.”

He chuckled under his breath. “Guess I’m willing to let you in.”

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That made something weird and fluttery stir in my chest. I bit my bottom lip, eyes trailing back to the lake to avoid his gaze.

We sat on the bench, the silence between us not awkward-just soft. Safe. I leaned back, the cool air brushing against my skin as I hugged my arms around myself. The lake was still, like it hadn’t moved in years. Like it had learned to exist without rushing anything.

“There’s just something about the stillness,” I said eventually, my voice almost a whisper. “The way it just… sits. Unbothered. Like the world could fall apart and it would still be here, just waiting.”

Howard didn’t respond right away, and honestly, I wasn’t sure I needed him to. I could feel his presence beside me. Solid. Patient.

If only I could be like that. Calm. Sure. If only I could silence the constant noise in my head-the whispers of not enough, the fear of never being her again. The version of me everyone remembered. Everyone expected.

“Hey,” Howard said softly, nudging my shoulder. “You… wanna talk about it?”

I blinked, turning to him slowly.

He cleared his throat, looking suddenly nervous. “I mean, you don’t have to. But if you want to… I’m here.”

My throat tightened.

The ability to say how you really feel—to open up and hand someone the map to the mess inside your head— that was a gift. A gift I’d never learned how to use.

I offered a small smile, shaking my head. “It’s nothing serious. You don’t have to worry about me.”

He tilted his head, studying me, then nodded.

“Still,” he said, voice warm, “anything you need, Emmy Bear.”

That made me laugh. The corners of my lips lifted without even trying. “God, I hate that nickname.”

“Which is why I’m never letting it go.”

I let out a soft breath, the kind that felt like maybe… just maybe… I could breathe again.

We didn’t talk after that,

We just sat there, two quiet souls watching a quiet lake, the world moving slower for a little while.

****

Eventually, we got back to campus.

14:54 Tue, Dec 30

Chapter 41

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Howard had dropped me off with a lazy wave and a crooked smile, and I thanked him for the ride-grateful, honestly, for the peace that lake had given me.

But peace had an expiration date. And mine was up.

Because the moment I stepped back into the buzz of campus, the only thing ringing louder than my thoughts was Cal U. That stupid swimming competition Coach threw at me like a live grenade.

And as much as I wanted…needed…to curl up in bed and pretend the world didn’t exist, my legs had a mind of their own. Somehow, they took me straight to the pool.

Now here I was.

Staring at my reflection in the locker room mirror. My one-piece suit clung to my frame, dark green and black against my skin. My hair was in a tight bun, flyaways already rebelling. I twisted the swim cap on, tucked the last strand under, and stood still for a second, just me and the mirror and the girl staring back who didn’t look as fearless as she used to.

“You can do this,” I whispered, voice firm. Even if I didn’t believe it.

I slipped my goggles on and padded barefoot toward the water. The pool was empty, lit by overhead lights that gave it a bluish glow. The only sound was the soft hum of the vents and the way my feet slapped against the tiles. Hands stretched overhead, I bounced on my toes, once, twice, three times, and then dove.

A perfect arc.

A clean summersault in mid-air.

Splash.

The water welcomed me, cool and familiar, and I kicked off the wall with everything I had. Arms slicing. Legs burning. My body moving like my muscle memory had taken over.

Touch. Flip. Kick.

I slammed the wall at the end and immediately hit my stopwatch.

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