I Swear I Still Hate Him (Atlas Lawson) novel Chapter 50

Chapter 50

Chapter 50

Emery’s POV

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The music was pounding in my head, the kind that made your chest thump and your thoughts blur. Most people had taken over the dance floor, laughing, sweating, grinding like the night would never end.

Howard’s hands rested loosely on my waist, his smile easy and sweet as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and moved to the beat. I smiled back, at least I think I did. Something close enough. My hips swayed, my body moved, but my mind?

Still clawing at the edges.

Still screaming beneath the surface.

I wanted to cry. To scream. To let every tangled, awful feeling rip its way out of me.

But I didn’t.

I wouldn’t.

So I did the only thing I could think of.

I turned around, my back now pressed against Howard’s chest. I rolled my hips once, slow, deliberate, and felt him stiffen behind me.

Boldness, sweet and stupid, alcohol confidence flowed through my veins. One I was sure to regret once I sobered up.

I moved again, grinding against him, more confident this time. His hand tightened on my waist, fingers flexing slightly.

“Fuck” he groaned. His breath hot and a trace of alcohol…I could feel the effect of my ass rubbing his now hardened dick, but I didn’t want to stop. I can’t…I moved again, wanting to get lost in the music, the party, Howard…

My hands slipped behind me, finding the nape of his neck, fingers threading into his hair as I pressed harder, deeper into the rhythm of the music and the tension building between us. I just wanted to feel something else. Anything else.

I turned back around, face-to-face with him now. His blue eyes weren’t soft anymore. They were darker, filled

with lust.

“Let’s get out of here,” I said, barely a whisper.

I didn’t wait for a response. I grabbed his hand, tugging him through the crowd, past the haze of bodies and flashing lights until we stumbled into a hallway, and found an empty room.

I didn’t know whose it was. Didn’t care.

15:02 Tue, Dec 30

Chapter 50

៥៩ ៤6)

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The second the door shut behind us, I pushed him back, watching as he collapsed onto the chair with a surprised grunt. I climbed onto him, straddling his lap without hesitation, crashing my mouth to his in a kiss that was all teeth and desperation.

He kissed me back, hands gripping my waist, groaning low when my tongue slipped past his lips. His fingers dug into my hips as I rolled them again, slow and deliberate, grinding down onto the very obvious reaction pressed between us.

My breath came out shaky. But I didn’t stop.

My hands moved to his shirt, fumbling clumsily with the buttons. My fingers trembled, too fast, too eager, and when the last one finally gave way, I let out a shaky breath and dragged my hands across his chest.

Strong.

Warm.

But not like Atlas.

No.

No, no, absolutely not….do not go there, Emery.

I shoved the thought away like it burned. I wasn’t here to think about him. I dipped my head, lips leaving Howard’s and trailing down his neck. I kissed, licked, sucked at the skin just above his collarbone.

“Emery…” he rasped again, but his voice cracked this time, like he was already losing control.

And god… so was I.

I rolled my hips one more time, slow and deep, watching the way his eyes fluttered shut and a strangled sound escaped his throat.

“Fuck” I moaned.

His hands slid up my dress, warm fingers inching along my thigh. My breath stuttered when he reached the waistband of my panties, hesitating there, waiting for me. But something inside me jolted. A sharp panic.

A wave of no, no, no, so loud my whole body locked up.

I grabbed his hand.

He pulled back instantly, chest rising and falling fast, his lips swollen from kissing me. “Is everything okay?”

I opened my mouth… but nothing came out.

My throat tightened.

My brain scrambled.

What was I supposed to say?

15:02 Tue, Dec 30

Chapter 50

I’m a virgin?

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I can’t… I can’t have an orgasm with another guy.

:

What if you judge me? What if you think I’m broken? A freak?

My pulse hammered against my ribs.

“I… I’m sorry,” I blurted, voice cracking.

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I scrambled off him so fast the chair nearly tipped. My legs felt like Jell O as I stumbled for the door. My lungs were tight. The walls were spinning. My stomach churned.

Nauseous.

Dizzy.

Sick.

I pushed the door open and walked out, almost running.

“Emery, wait!” Howard called, footsteps quick behind me.

I shook my head, unable to look at him, unable to think. I felt like I was going to scream or faint or throw up. Maybe all three.

I just wanted….

“Atlas…” His name slipped out of me like a whisper, like a plea I didn’t even realize I was making. And then I crashed right into him.

His hands came to my arms instantly, steadying me. “Emery, are you o-

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He stopped. His eyes traveled over my face… then down to my swollen lips… my messy hair… my shaking hands. Then over my shoulder.

To Howard.

The look on his face changed, darkened, tightened, but he didn’t say anything to him. He didn’t need to. The whole hallway buzzed with tension.

Howard stood there frozen, confusion and concern all over his face.

I wanted to disappear. Heat rushed to my cheeks, my chest, everywhere. Shame crawling up my skin like wildfire.

“Hey, man,” Atlas said, voice low but controlled. Steel wrapped in calm. “I’ll handle it.”

Before I could speak, he slid his hand into mine, gently, not forcing, just guiding. He didn’t wait for Howard’s reply. He just led me away.

15:02 Tue, Dec 30

Chapter 50

I didn’t pull back.

I didn’t even look back.

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I just followed him, quiet, trembling, trying not to break down in the middle of some hallway like a complete

mess.

God. Howard must think I’m insane.

I must really be the worst.

****

The car ride was painfully quiet.

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