I Swear I Still Hate Him (Atlas Lawson) novel Chapter 51

Chapter 51

Chapter 51

Atlas POV

I want it all to end.

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That was the only thought running through my head back then-Trapped in that dark room, my tiny hands balled into fists at my sides, my heart pounding so loud I thought it would explode.

“Please… make it stop,” I whispered, over and over, like a prayer no one ever answered.

Mom’s scream pierced through the walls.

“Don’t do this!” she cried. “Pl-please, Ron, don’t hu….”

Then came the slap.

Loud. Brutal. Followed by glass shattering. I flinched, tears spilling as I backed into the corner. I knew what came next. I always knew.

Heavy footsteps. The door bursting open. The stench of alcohol hitting first-then him.

Red eyes.

Rage.

Mine, but not mine.

“You think you can hide from me, you pathetic ba….”

“Atlas.”

I snapped back.

Emery.

She was lying beside me on the field, her voice barely a whisper. Her face was stained with tears, eyes red and puffy. Seeing her like that… it was like someone took a handful of nails and drove them through my chest. Slow. Deep. Unrelenting.

I hated it.

I hated how much pain she was in and how powerless I felt watching her break. So I didn’t say anything when she screamed earlier, just stood there and let her fall apart. Let her sob until her voice cracked. Let her collapse onto the grass, too drained to speak.

Because I knew what it felt like…

The weight.

15:02 Tue, Dec 30

Chapter 51

The rage.

The need to release it before it drowned you.

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I remembered myself at twelve, bloody lip, arm hanging limp, limping out to the woods because I couldn’t take it anymore. Screaming into the trees until my throat burned.

I saw that in her. And I couldn’t stop it… But I could sit beside her.

And I did.

Now, we lay there. Still. Silent. Her face turned to the sky. I’d lost track of time. An hour? Two? It didn’t matter. The world was quiet for once. Just the soft rustle of grass and the hum of the wind.

“Thank you,” she finally said, her voice scratchy and low.

I looked over at her, hair messy, cheeks damp, eyes barely open. She looked like she’d run a marathon through hell. And still… somehow, she looked beautiful.

“You don’t have to thank me,” I said gently.

She smiled, just a little. Barely there. But real.

I tucked the image away like it was something precious.

She turned her gaze back to the sky, arms folded beneath her head. “The stars look different when your eyes aren’t blurry.”

I chuckled softly, lying back again. “Yeah… they do.”

I glanced at her again, quiet for a beat.

“You’re gonna get a headache,” I said, watching her blink slowly.

“Probably.”

I made a mental note to grab painkillers the second we got back. Maybe water. Maybe tea. I didn’t know what she needed… But I was gonna find out. Because for the first time in a long damn time… Someone else’s pain felt heavier than mine. And all I wanted was to carry it with her.

“What gave it away…” she whispered, still staring up at the sky like it held all the answers she was too scared to say out loud.

She didn’t need to finish the thought.

How did you know I was breaking? How could you tell when no one else could?

I exhaled slowly, letting the words sit for a second before answering.

“Your eyes,” I said quietly.

15:02 Tue, Dec 30

Chapter 51

4 a A 69

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That was always it. Her eyes said everything, even when her mouth didn’t. Especially when her mouth didn’t.

“I see,” she muttered, almost like she didn’t believe it, like maybe a part of her still hoped I hadn’t seen her unraveling from across the room.

Silence again.

The grass rustled softly around us, and I turned my head to look at her. The moonlight painted her skin silver, her cheeks still puffy, lips pressed into a thin line like she was still holding herself together with fraying thread.

Then, finally, her voice cracked through the quiet.

“I practiced so hard… so damn hard. And a part of me was certain-confident even. But then…” Her voice broke and she let out a shaky breath. “Then came the stupid freak-out and doubt and-God, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. If I wasn’t lucky today, everyone would’ve seen it. They would’ve seen I’m just… a failure.”

I turned on my side, propping myself up on my elbow.

“Emery,” I said gently. “Look at me.”

She hesitated. Just for a second. Then her eyes shifted from the stars to me.

And for a moment, I forgot how to breathe.

Even after everything-red-rimmed, tired, raw-her green eyes still looked like a painting. Beautiful in a way that hurt. The kind of beautiful that made your chest tighten when you looked at it too long.

“You’re not a failure,” I said, voice low but firm. “And you weren’t lucky.”

“How do you-”

She blinked, lips parting like she wanted to argue. “How do

Her words froze when I reached up, my hand brushing gently against her cheek.

She didn’t flinch.

I let my thumb trace the edge of her jaw, soft and slow. “Because I know you, Emery,” I murmured. “I’ve watched you train. I’ve seen how hard you work, how much you care. I know what you’re capable of. And I know damn well you’re not a failure. You’re just stuck in your own head… and you need to find your way back.”

Her lower lip quivered, and her eyes welled up again. She bit down hard, like she was fighting it. Trying not to fall apart again.

“How?”

Her voice was barely a whisper. A single word that cracked something open in my chest. She looked so damn small lying there in the grass, her eyes glassy again but calmer now, like she was holding her breath at the edge of something big. Something fragile.

I gave her a soft smile. One of the rare ones. The kind that only ever seemed to show up around her.

15:02 Tue, Dec 30

Chapter 51

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“You’ve got to see your worth again,” I said gently, brushing a strand of hair from her face. “You’ve got to be kinder to yourself. You’re carrying too much, blame, pressure, guilt that doesn’t belong to you.”

Her eyes shimmered beneath the stars.

“Mistakes don’t define us, Emery. They’re just proof we’re human.” I paused. “You’ve got to forgive yourself.”

“I want to…” she whispered, lip trembling. “But the voices-”

“Then let me silence them.”

Her brows lifted slightly, surprised. And then-A soft, barely-there chuckle slipped from her lips. It was weak and exhausted, but it was hers, and for a second, it felt like the sun broke through.

“And how do you intend to do that?” she asked, her voice hoarse but laced with something lighter now. Playful. Curious.

I leaned in just a little, heart thudding harder than it should. “I could start by telling you every day how amazing you are.”

Her breath hitched, noticeable, just for a second.

“I could bring you here, whenever you need, to scream out your lungs… until everything feels a little less heavy.”

My eyes dropped, unintentionally, but too slow to deny, to her lips.

“I could…” I hesitated, swallowing thickly, “kiss you… whatever you want.”

I looked back up to meet her gaze. And she was looking right at me. Eyes wide. Heart open.

“Promise?” she whispered, voice trembling like she wasn’t sure she deserved any of it.

I didn’t hesitate. I nodded. “I promise.”

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