I Swear I Still Hate Him (Atlas Lawson) novel Chapter 59

Chapter 59

Chapter 59

Emery’s POV

I’ve officially graduated from being a virgin… to not being one.

And do I regret it?

Absolutely not.

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Honestly, I felt amazing. Sure, my body hurt in places I didn’t even know could hurt, but it was the kind of ache that weirdly felt… good. Like a sweet reminder of what happened. A “congrats, girl, you did that” kind of pain.

I was now a grown woman.

Just like

my dad told me I’d “evolve into” when he sat me down at thirteen to give me the talk.

God. That day still haunts me. He was so awkward, sweating, clearing his throat every five seconds, saying stuff like, “One day, Emery, you’ll transform into a full woman.”

Yeah… well, Dad.

Guess what?

Lying here in bed, beside a very naked, very asleep Atlas Lawson, I absolutely evolved.

I couldn’t help the smile that tugged at my lips. Like an actual slow, stupid smile spreading across my face because, holy crap, I did that. My cheeks warmed, and I buried half my face in the pillow to hide the grin even though he was passed out.

Except, of course, he wasn’t.

“I can feel your smile from over here,” Atlas’s sleepy voice rumbled, eyes still closed.

My eyes widened. Heat shot up my cheeks. Great. Amazing. Fantastic: Let’s all turn into a tomato.

He cracked one eye open, then the other, and smiled, soft and warm and completely unfair because no one should look that good waking up.

“Good morning,” he murmured.

I panicked. Obviously.

I slapped the blanket higher on my chest and scooted back like he’d caught me stealing.

“N-no it’s not… I’m not smiling,” I lied terribly. My voice cracked. Ugh.

His smile deepened, one dimple flashing. “Emery.”

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Chapter 59

“Atlas.”

:

“Emery,” he repeated, teasing this time.

:

I covered my burning face with both hands. “Oh my gosh, stop. I’m never smiling again.”

He chuckled, voice still rough from sleep, and shifted closer, propping himself on one elbow. His hair was a mess, sexy, stupid, unfairly perfect bedhead. And he was still naked. Just casually naked. Like breathing.

My pulse went wild.

He leaned in, slowly, clearly aiming for a kiss.

But I slapped a hand over my mouth so fast it made a little smack sound.

He blinked. “What are you doing?”

I deadpanned through my fingers, “Atlas. My breath probably smells like something crawled in there and died.”

He laughed softly, shaking his head. “Do I look like I care?”

“Well I care,” I groaned, scrambling out of bed as the sheet tangled around my legs.

Before I could escape, he caught my wrist gently and pressed a kiss to my shoulder. My whole body froze.

“Promise me something?” he whispered, voice low enough to melt steel. “Once you brush… I get that kiss.”

My brain completely lost it’s ability to function.

I nodded, fast, because if I opened my mouth, something embarrassing would fall out.

Then I practically sprinted for the bathroom. “I’m gonna shower!” I called, voice cracking.

I shut the door behind me and leaned against it, breathing hard.

My heart was pounding. My everything was pounding. If I didn’t take that shower right now, I’d run back out there and jump him all over again.

****

Did Atlas get his kiss? Yes. In fact, he got way more. Like, I knew sex could be addictive, but I wasn’t prepared for this level of addiction.

Tell me why the hell we keep ending up in bed?

Just a graze of fingers? Clothes…gone.

A little eye contact? Poof…clothes vanished.

Watching a movie? CLOTHES. GONE.

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Chapter 59

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Do I hate it? Absolutely not. I love it. Like, embarrassingly so. Maybe sometimes I even start it, just a little. No judgment, okay? Have you seen this man? He could be wearing three layers of clothes and still look criminally

hot.

I may not like Atlas… but I am most definitely, shamelessly, head-over-heels attracted to his body.

***

“We really need to stop having sex,” I said, even though my voice came out… breathy. Way too breathy. Not helping my case.

Atlas leaned in, his breath hot against my skin. “You keep saying that,” he murmured, “but from the way you’re clenching my dick, I’m not convinced.”

“Atlas…” I meant it to sound firm. It came out like a whimper. I cringed inwardly.

The movie was still playing, but it might as well have been white noise. The only thing getting any attention in this room was not the plot of the film.

He moved again, and I felt everything, heat curling in my stomach, my thoughts completely scrambled.

“god…I’m close,” I breathed, clinging to him.

“Me too, darling… me too,” Atlas whispered, his voice strained, face buried in my neck as he sucked hard, chasing away our release.

We stayed like that for a moment, catching our breath. And after we had finally calmed down, Atlas got up, got rid of the condom, cleaned me up, and carried me to his room. Yeah, it had become a routine, and, as always, we never made it halfway through the episode.

****

I couldn’t recall the last time I actually slept in my own bed. Somehow, I’d become a permanent resident in Atlas’s room. His ridiculously soft sheets, his stupid cologne that smelled like dark woods and oud, his arm always thrown over me like I belonged there.

The room was quiet. That warm, post-orgasm haze still hung in the air, both of us tangled up, breathing in

sync.

Until, of course, I ruined it.

“Maybe we should start seeing other people,” I blurted, staring up at the ceiling.

Okay, that sounded silly coming out of me. Like, who in their right mind would want to stop having sex with someone like Atlas? Or worse, be okay with him hooking up with other chicks?

Well… apparently, me.

Because Atlas and I? We were complicated. A mess dipped in denial, sprinkled with questionable choices, and baked at 400 degrees of sexual tension.

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We couldn’t go into a relationship. That was a no-go. Full stop. Red light.

So it had to end here, right? Right.

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But here’s the thing no one talks about: when you spend time with someone every single day, someone who makes you laugh, makes you moan, makes your heart pound like you’re running from a bear, you start to blur lines. Your brain gets confused. Starts releasing little traitor chemicals called feelings.

And attachments? Attachments are dangerous.

Because they can be mistaken for actual emotions. which we absolutely, under no circumstance, are allowed to have.

Not now. Not with him.

Nope. Feelings are illegal here. This is a strictly no-feelings zone.

My head hurts. Like physically hurts. I’ve been thinking way too much and Atlas… well, he’s just staring at me.

Not blinking. Not moving. Just staring.

“Say something,” I blurted, my voice cracking slightly under the weight of the silence.

He shrugged, cool as ever. “I don’t want to have sex with anyone else.”

I blinked. “Atlas… not that.”

He looked at me, then leaned back against the headboard, eyes heavy. “What do you want me to say? That I don’t like the way you fit around me? That I don’t think about you even when you’re not in the room?”

He scoffed lightly. “I enjoy fucking you, Emery. I’m not gonna pretend I don’t.”

My face. Dear lord. My entire face must’ve turned crimson. “You…oh my god. Can you not say it like that?”

“What?” he asked, completely unbothered, brushing a hand through his messy hair. “I’m being honest.”

I threw my hands in the air, the sheet slipping down my arm. “Okay, well maybe tone down the National Geographic narration, alright?”

Atlas only grinned, the corner of his mouth tugging like he knew exactly what he was doing to me. “I like what we have. And when I like something, I prefer to stick with it.”

I stared at him, heart hammering a little too hard. The room suddenly felt too warm. I shifted on the bed, one leg tangled in the sheets, trying to ignore the flutter in my chest. No. No fluttering. No feelings. No stupid twirling ballerinas in my stomach.

“Atlas…” I tried, but my voice came out softer than intended. “This… thing, whatever it is….it’s supposed to be simple.”

His eyes stayed locked on mine. “It is.”

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Chapter 59

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“It’s not.” My voice cracked with the honesty. I looked away, chewing on my bottom lip before sighing.

“Atlas, this is what I’m afraid of,” I said, waving my hands around like a malfunctioning windmill, trying to physically push the chaos out of my brain. “Attachment. Our brains messing with our heads, and if we don’t do something about it, it’s gonna… morph into something else.”

I paused, heart hammering. My fingers twisted in the bedsheet like it could somehow anchor me.

“Like feelings,” I finally blurted, barely above a whisper.

There. I said it. The F-word. Not that F-word, though that one was already overused between us, but the dangerous, scary, “run while you still can” kind of word.

Atlas tilted his head, brows drawn slightly together. “What’s so bad about that?”

My heart did a freaking backflip. A whole 360 spin. What did he just say?

What’s so bad about that?

Was he… was Atlas catching feelings?

No. Nope. Shut up, inner voice. Go to jail.

“Everything,” I whispered, wide-eyed. “Atlas, our parents are dating. They seem so in love. What if…what if things work out for them and we’re just… this mess? What if it gets weird?”

He ran a hand through his hair, a frown forming. “Yeah… sorry. You’re right. I’m not thinking straight.”

I nodded quickly. “Exactly. So… we start seeing others.”

He nodded too, jaw tense. But then…

“You have anyone in mind?”

“What?” I laughed, confused. Nervous. Definitely unprepared.

Atlas didn’t laugh.

“You know. Maybe a certain hockey player… My teammate… Howard?” He arched a brow. “Because if you want, I could definitely hook you up.”

My jaw dropped. My heart was now doing sprints.

Okay, what the hell?

Something about his tone, too calm, too sharp, lit a fuse in me. It wasn’t playful. It wasn’t neutral. It was laced with something bitter and biting, like I’d just poked a sleeping bear and he decided to bare his teeth.

I narrowed my eyes, sitting up straighter as my voice dropped low. “What… did you just say?”

Because whatever game he was playing, I was seconds away from flipping the damn board.

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