My Cheating Mate (Emma and Jeremy) novel Chapter 70

Chapter 70

The admissioni hurt, but it washonest. And I’d asked for honesty.

“Did you?” I asked, the question I’d been too afraid to voice. “When we were together. Intimate. Were you thinking about her?”

He flinched like I’d struck him. “Sometimes. At first. And I hate myself for it. Emma, you deserved someone who was fully present. Who wasn’t comparing you to someone else in his head.”

“That’s a yes, then.”

“Yes.” His voice cracked. “And I’m so sorry. You were giving me everything–your trust, your body, your heart. And I was — ” He stopped, unable to finish.

I sank onto the edge of the bed, the weight of it hitting me. All those times I’d thought we were connecting, building intimacy, growing closer–he’d been thinking about Vanessa.

“Was it ever real?” I asked quietly. “Any of it? Or was I just —”

“It was real.” Jeremy dropped to his knees in front of me, his eyes desperate. “Emma, yes, at first I was confused. Conflicted. But there were times so many times–when it was just you and me. When I wasn’t thinking about anything except how incredible you felt, how beautiful you were, how lucky I was.”

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“How do I believe that? How do I trust that you’re not just saying what I want to hear?”

“I don’t know.” He looked down at his hands. “I can tell you it’s true. Can tell you that those memories are precious to me now, that I’d give anything to go back and be fully present for every single one. But I can’t prove it. Can’t make you believe me.”

I was crying now, tears streaming down my face. “I miss you. I miss us. I miss feeling close to someone, feeling wanted. But I don’t know if I can–if we can-

“Hey.” His hand hovered near my face, not quite touching. “You don’t have to know right now. Don’t have to decide anything about-“he gestured between us, “—about physical intimacy or where we’re going. We’re just taking it one day at a time, remember?”

“One day at a time,” I repeated, wiping my eyes. “But Jeremy, I need you to understand something. I do miss the physical closeness. Miss being held. Miss-” I stopped, heat rising to my face. “Miss other things. But I can’t go there again until I really trust you. Until I’m sure you won’t be thinking about someone else.”

“I won’t be.” His voice was fierce now. “Emma, I swear to you Vanessa is dead. What I felt for her is dead. When I think about intimacy, about being close to someone, it’s only you. It’s always been you, really. I was just too stupid to see it.”

“Pretty words.”

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“True words.” He finally let his hand touch my face, wiping away a tear with his thumb. “But I understand. I’m not asking for physical intimacy. Not asking for us to rush back into anything. I’m just–I’m grateful you’re here. That you cared enough to clean my house and make sure I have food.”

“Someone has to take care of you,” I said, managing a small smile. “Since you’re clearly incapable of it.”

“Very true.” He smiled back, but his eyes were still sad. “Emma, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Those memories you were having–the ones before everything went wrong. Are they-” He paused, searching for words. “Do they make you angry? Hurt? Or do they make you-”

“Nostalgic?” I finished. “All of it. Angry that you weren’t fully present. Hurt that I didn’t know. But also “Also nostalgic for when things felt simple. When I believed you loved me and I felt safe and wanted”

“You were safe,” he said immediately. “Are safe. I would never hurt you physically, Emma. Never.”

“I took a shaky breath.

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