Perfect Bastard (by Mary D. Sant) novel Chapter 72

Chapter 72: All or Nothing

ETHAN

A storm began right after I left Ellie’s apartment, and the rain

continued for the rest of the day. The weather was an exact reflection

of my mood. I felt like a heavy rain cloud, gray and dark.

Alone in my apartment, all I could feel was an enormous emptiness. I

didn’t feel hungry or motivated to do anything, and I knew sleep

would be impossible for the next few days.

There was only one thing on my mind: a beautiful face, the perfect

combination of grayish–blue eyes, pale skin, and dark hair.

I hated the idea that now she would just be a memory, and it scared

me to think that someday in the future, I might forget her face and

every moment we spent together.

Somehow, she had managed to break through all the walls I had built,

and now she was ingrained in me–my mind, skin, and heart.

Fuck. I was unconsciously falling more and more in love with her. I

knew this because I didn’t just miss her body, but also her scent, her

smile, and her sharp, witty tongue, always ready to defend herself. My

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crazy, sexy scientist.

Shit. I just thought of her as mine. She really could have been mine.

My Ellie. Maybe if we had met before everything, we might have had a

chance.

I could have given her my best and not wasted it on someone who

never deserved it, who only ruined me. Ruined me for anyone else.

Ellie deserved so much more than someone who could never fully

give himself again. I’d have to live with this emptiness and the

thought that she would find someone else someday.

Thinking about that hurt like hell. If only I could… just try. But if I

did, I wouldn’t just be risking hurting myself—I’d hurt her too. That

was the worst part. I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t be selfish.

The feeling of anguish kept me awake all night. Dozens of times I

wanted to just get up, run to her apartment, and beg her to forgive

1. me.

Then I would tell her that I’d try with everything I had because that

was what I wanted most. That I would face everything just to be by

her side.

Because with every passing minute, the idea of being away from her

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Chapter 72: All or Nothing

became more terrifying, and it was slowly killing me inside.

I knew exactly what was coming. The feeling of being in limbo. When all I wanted was the feeling of being with her and feeling everything

only she made me feel.

The feeling was so strong that I was starting to doubt if I could stay

away, even if it was for her own good. It felt like my time was really

running out.

Bennett showed up at my apartment in the morning and forced me to

go for a run with him. But I couldn’t run half as much as I usually did.

I just lagged behind most of the time, keeping my own pace, trying to

get used to the feeling of emptiness.

I was grateful he didn’t try to force a conversation, even though he

could see what a mess I was in. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get rid of

him after we left Central Park. He forced me to go with him to his

house for breakfast.

When we arrived, Zoe completely ignored my greeting, pretending I

didn’t exist. Still, she sat in the kitchen with us at the counter for

breakfast.

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“So…” Bennett started. Of course, I couldn’t get rid of him that easily.

“Did you talk to her?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Just don’t let this turn you into a zombie.”

“You know… this makes no sense to me. Are you an idiot or what?

You’re just going to let her go?” Zoe exploded.

“Baby…” Bennett shook his head.

“No! I just can’t understand it! She likes you, and from the mess you

are in…” She pointed her fork at me. “I’d say you like her. So why the

hell did you reject her?”

I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about it. I felt so drained, but I decided

to just be honest.

“You want to know why? Because I’m too fucked up for her.”

“Bullshit!”

“I can’t, Zoe. I just can’t be that selfish.”

“Selfish? Do you think choosing to be with her is selfish? Then what

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the hell are you being now? Do you think she wouldn’t rather be with

you, even if you’re a fucked–up bastard? You men are so unbelievable!

The truth is, you’re only thinking about your own ass.”

“Zoe…” Bennett intervened. “He’s had enough.”

“I don’t think so, since he’s still sitting here. Feeling sorry for himself

while Ellie’s getting on a plane to the other side of the country… with

her ex.”

What? No. That couldn’t be true. She wouldn’t be so naive as to take

that bastard back. Zoe had to be making that up.

“What did you say?”

“Oh, see… now you care.” She smiled, happy with my suffering.

“Don’t joke about this… Are you really telling the truth?”

Considering everything Zoe had done before, maybe she just wanted

to see me suffer even more.

“I bet you’d like to know, wouldn’t you?”

“Fuck! Just tell me…”

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Chapter 72: All or Nothing

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