Pursuing My Rejected Luna by Cara Anderson novel Chapter 145

Chapter 145

Skye

Nicolai and I make no effort to conceal our relationship from Jaxon-neither of us changes behavior because he is in the house. Nicolai doesn’t sneak in and out of my bedroom, hiding the fact that he sleeps there every night. The times when I’m in Nicolai’s office and the door is closed and nobody needs to interpret what that means. It’s our life, not a dirty secret, and we live it openly.

Still, I watch Jaxon watch this and feel something that isn’t quite guilt. Guilt would require that I’d done something wrong. I haven’t. He made choices. I made choices. Both things are true simultaneously and don’t cancel each other out.

But the not-quite-guilt persists anyway, because I’m human enough-wolf enough-to register when something causes pain for someone in proximity. Even if it’s the right pain. Even if it’s the consequence of their own decisions.

“Does it bother you?” I asked Nicolai directly, two nights ago. “Watching him watch us.”

Nicolai considered this. He always actually considers things. “Yes,” he said. “In a minor key.”

“What does that mean?” I’ve gotten used to the way he often speaks in riddles but I can’t always decipher them.

“It means I’m aware of it and it requires me to manage my responses carefully and I find that within my capacity. “He says earnestly. “I know he’s not a threat to us, Skye. He’s Benji’s father and he’s becoming someone decent. That’s what he is. That’s all he is.”

“And when he looks at me like he still-“I stop short, not sure what the word is I’m looking for.

What does that look mean? Is it simply want, a desire to have something the bond tells him is his. Is it love? Does he even know what that means now?

“Then I deal with that,” Nicolai interrupts my thoughts. “It’s not your job to manage what he feels. It’s your job to be clear about what you’ve chosen.” He met my eyes. “Are you clear?”

“Yes, of course.” I reassure him, though I don’t really think he doubted me.

“Then that’s all I need. That’s all we need.”

He said those words as though the issue was resolved and hasn’t mentioned it since. But it isn’t resolved. Not for me, not when it comes to the bond.

I told Nicolai I’d call Gianna to discuss a formal rejection of the mate bond, a severing that goes far beyond a simple divorce. I’ve been not calling Gianna for two weeks, and I have reasons that are real reasons, not just avoidance.

Severing a mate bond isn’t like canceling a subscription. It’s physical. Both wolves feel it-the severance, and then the absence where the connection was. Recovery varies; some wolves are functional within a day, others take weeks. There’s no predicting it. But I’ve heard it’s worse when an Alpha is involved.

I have a ten-week-old. There’s no window in which I can be incapacitated for an unpredictable length of time without it impacting Benji too. I’d have to make sure someone else could care for him, and selfishly, I don’t want anyone else to do it. Besides, arranging for his care means telling people, specifically Jaxon, who doesn’t know yet that I’m planning this.

Jaxon doesn’t know. He’ll feel it when it happens-you can’t sever a bond without both wolves knowing, even if only one initiates. He’ll feel the thread go with no warning. And whether that incapacitates him for a moment or a

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month, that’s not right.

should know before. I just need to work out when before is, and right now I’m still not sure.

Nicolai is patient about this in a way I’m not sure I could be if I were in his shoes. He said it’s your timeline and he meant it. He doesn’t push. Doesn’t bring it up.

But I know what he wants. And I know that his patience is something he’s choosing, daily, at some cost to his own happiness. After everything he’s done for me, without hesitation, I still can’t bring myself to do this for him and I feel terrible about it.

“You’re being very patient about the bond,” I told him yesterday, feeling like I needed to address the elephant in the room but not really sure how.

“I’m being appropriately patient,” he shrugged it off like he always does when he’s trying to put me at ease.

“What’s the difference?” I wondered aloud.

“I’m not being saintly about it. I just know the reasons and they’re real reasons.” He looked up from his laptop, turning the full force of his empathy on me. “Stop feeling guilty about the timing. The timing is a practical problem, not an emotional one. I know you love me, choose me.”

“I feel guilty about the practical problem.” I sighed, letting him pull me into his lap and rest his chin on my head.

“I know.” He just held me close until the tension left my body and I melted into him. “Sort out the practical problem when you can sort it out. That’s all.”

I think about the bond. About the fact that I can sit here with him in the middle of the night and feel something that’s recognizable-something not nothing-without it threatening anything. Without it being disloyal or confusing or evidence of something unresolved. It’s just what the bond is. What it’s always been. The echo.

Skye, I think. Do this soon. For all of us.

“He’s going to be exceptional,” Jaxon says, startling me out of my thoughts.

“Yes,” I agree softly. “He is.”

We drink our tea and the kitchen stays quiet and Benji finishes his bottle and is persuaded, gradually, back toward sleep.

Soon, I think again.

I’ll call Gianna tomorrow.

Cara Anderson Author

Thank you for reading!

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