Pursuing My Rejected Luna by Cara Anderson novel Chapter 180

Chapter 180

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Jaxon has been gone for five days and I’m having some feelings about it that I don’t think I’m allowed to have. If someone had told me this time last year that there would come a time I’d miss him again, I’d have thought they’d lost their mind. But I do. I miss him. 1

And not just as Benji’s father-I miss him in a way that has nothing to do with Benji and everything to do with the bond and what I finally admitted to myself and what I still haven’t figured out exactly what to do with.

I am Nicolai’s mate. I am wearing his mark. I chose him and I love him and I am sitting at the breakfast table missing Jaxon Vale with an intensity that is shocking and equally guilty-inducing.

I’m not going to pretend it isn’t happening. I told myself I’d be honest. Being honest includes letting myself feel it. Even if that means that Nicolai sees me craving the presence of another man.

And he does notice. Of course he does. Even if he couldn’t feel it through our bond, he’s always noticed everything when it comes to me. I have a love/hate relationship with that particular character trait-he reads me before I speak, which means there’s no time to organize my thoughts before he’s asking me to talk about it.

“You’re quiet,” he observes.

We’re in the sitting room watching Benji play. It’s a time we usually enjoy, laughing together at his antics and talking about our family, our future. I just don’t have the mental capacity for those conversations today.

“I’m thinking,” I hedge.

“About?” Nicolai presses, even though I’m sure he already knows the answer.

I look at him, analyzing the set of his jaw, the tightness around his eyes, deciding if he wants the truth, or some softer version of it.

“I miss Jaxon,” I decide on honesty. The direct, unsoftened version. “I love you and feel guilty for missing him but it doesn’t change the fact that I do.”

Nicolai sucks in a sharp breath then lets it out slowly. “I know,” he says, defeat in his tone. Which only ratchets my guilt up another notch.

“Does it bother you?” I’m not sure why I ask. I can see it in his face, in the tenseness of his shoulders. Self-torture I guess.

“Yes.” He answers without hesitation. “And I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t because we agreed not to lie to each other.” He meets my eyes and I see the strain in them. “But I’m also not going to make you feel worse about it. It’s not something you’re doing to me. It’s just something that’s happening.”

I reach for his hand. He takes it and it feels like the closest we’ve been to each other in days. “I don’t want you to pretend you’re not bothered by it,” I explain. “I want you to tell me when you are so we can work through it together.”

Something moves through his expression I’m not sure I like. “I’m aware of the irony,” his voice is hard though he doesn’t release my hand, “that what I’m being asked to do is essentially what I asked you to do for months. Feel things and tell me and keep choosing me anyway.”

“Yes,” I return, equally stony. “Welcome to it.”

His jaw tightens a little more. “It’s not the same,” he snaps. “What you felt for him and what I feel about him are

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not the same thing.”

“I agree. “They’re not. But the requirement is. To keep choosing me anyway.”

He looks at Benji. Then back at me. “I know,” he sighs. “I know. I just need some time.”

He squeezes my hand one more time, then lets it go and walks out the door without looking back. I sit there stunned for a minute, feeling for him in the bond. But he has it shut down tight.

No. We don’t do that to each other, walk away, shut each other out. There must be more than what he’s saying There has to be.

I scoop Benji up, intending to follow him, to insist he tell me everything, but some chatter in the hallway catches my ear and I freeze.

“I heard she’s sleeping with both of them.” An unfamiliar voice says. “Behind each others’ backs. What kind of Alpha lets his mate cheat on him? Everyone is talking about it.”

“I couldn’t say. But if you’d like to keep your job, I suggest you not be one of them.” Rena warns her, whoever she is. “It’s not for you to perpetuate rumors you know nothing about.”

“I’m just saying,” the girl huffs, “I would never cheat on him if he were mine.”

“Enough!” Rena barks.

And I couldn’t agree more, I’ve heard enough.

Cara Anderson Author

Thank you for reading!

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