The words feel hollow the moment they leave my mouth because as much as I wanted to find our daughter, I was also using it as an excuse.
Lilly’s expression softens slightly, but the worry doesn’t leave her eyes.
“She changed after the meltdown.” she says quietly. “She just woke up like that. No crying, no talking, nothing. She doesn’t react to anything. It’s like she just shut down.”
My jaw tightens as my chest constricts in a painful way. So painful it makes it hard to breathe.
“We’ve tried everything,” she continues. “Talking to her, showing her pictures, bringing up the baby but nothing works. It’s like she’s locked herself somewhere we can’t reach.”
“What are the doctors saying?” I ask.
“They’re concerned about her mental health” she replies. “They asked us to seek help.”
The more I listen, the more guilty I feel. I didn’t know any of this. I didn’t know things had gotten so bad.
Why do I always fuck up? Why does the more I try to fix things, the more I mess up when it comes to her?
I don’t wait for Lilly to say anything. I just open the door and walk back inside the room where she’s still staring at the ceiling.
I slowly and carefully walk closer, and take a seat on the opposite side of her bed. For a moment, I just sit there, not knowing where to begin or what to say, but then I remember what she told me every time I tried apologizing.
There is nothing I can say that will fix this. No apology that will make any of this better. So instead, I reach for her hand.
My fingers wrap gently around hers, my thumb brushing over the back of her hand in a slow, absent motion and that’s when I see her eyes shifting just for a second.
They move toward me, landing on my face in a brief, fleeting glance before returning to the ceiling like nothing happened.
The reaction is small, almost insignificant, but it’s enough to tell me that somewhere beneath all of this, she’s still here.
I swallow hard, my grip tightening just slightly before I force myself to relax.
I sit there with her like that for a while, not saying anything, just holding her hand and letting the silence settle around us. Eventually, I let go and stand.
I move to the corner and Lilly once again follows me. We both turn to face her, just as Lilly whispers.


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