SAGE novel Chapter 45

Alora Trevino

It's been hard being myself lately but when has it never not. I feel like I'm screaming but no one is hearing me or are they just ignoring me.

It seems to be the case with me always. I seem to be always left in the background to be ignored.

But there's one person. A person who has never neglected me or overlooked my existence.

As I looked up from my car I saw it. I felt it.

This place, this house is where I felt most.

Maybe that's why I found myself coming here when I promised myself I would never again come here.

There was no turning back now. I had already knocked and I heard his voice.

The door flung opened and in all his glory Sage stood on the other side holding the door.

My breath hitched just breathing the same air as him. It always has. A cold and hot shiver coursed thought my body.

I watched as the emotion on his face changed. At first he looked annoyed then it tramsformed into something I couldn't process.

I don't know what expected from him because with him everything is uncertain.

"Alora." He breathed out and looked me up and down as if he didn't believe I was standing in front of him.

I honestly didn't believe I was standing in front of him too but I needed answers. I needed him.

"Hi." I smiled and waved like and idiot.

"Hi." He replied looked behind me.

"Can I come in?" I asked and cleared my throat.

It was a miracle I haven't shed a tear because I felt like throwing myself in his arms and crying.

Its been a while since I came around and it's funny how I always need alcohol to come here.

"Umm yeah. Come in." He said and stepped aside but I could see he wanted to ask what I was doing here.

Its not like the last time I saw him everything was joy and happiness.

Its weird how every moment between us ends with me crying and cussing him.

I always, always say I never want to see him again but here I am again. In his house.

I walked in and waited for him to close the door and lead the way.

He walked in front of me to the living room.

Its funny how everything seems to be different yet its still the same.

Even Sage is so different as still the same.

"I'm sorry for coming without calling." I bullshittted him. "I actually don't know why I even came. I just thought if you amd this house and next thing I know I'm driving towards here."

He just watched me ramble and didn't say a word.

The facade I've been trying to hold on too was crumbling way too quick.

"Umm.. I guess I could blame it on the alcohol but I didn't drink that much. The alcohol was just to give me the boost and confidence I needed to come here amd stand in front of you." I continued.

I looked everywhere besides his face.

"Funny huh!" I chuckled. "I received gifts today. I was invited to an exclusive. People sang happy birthday to me. Social media is buzzing with my day but all that didn't matter now did it. Only a simple happy birthday text at midnight mattered. Funny right."

I suddenly felt drunk more than I was a minute ago.

I stumbled just a bit and Sage was ready to catch me. I felt my heart soar though the sky when I saw that.

"I'm good." I waved a hand and pointed at the sofa. He was probably sitting in it before I arrived.

That exact sofa has seen a lot. It holds so much memory.

"Can I sit down? I'm gonna sit." I didn't wait for him to reply and by the looks of it he wasn't gonna try either.

He just stood there and turned with me as I walked towards the sofa and sat down.

"Would you say something?" I asked him. My voice went a bit higher than I had intended. "Your silence is driving me nuts."

I lifted my head towards him and he looked me straight in the eyes.

I held his stare but of course I ended up looking away.

I then heard him sigh heavily.

"What do you want me to say?" He replied at last. "You just showed up here."

His voice carried an emotion I couldn't describe.

"Why did you text me?" I finally asked. "All afternoon I kept thinking why would he text me? It's been a month and a half. Everyone was doing their things. You were now a dull ache in the background and all of a sudden you text me at midnight. I want to know why?"

I hate how desperate I sounded. But that's what I am. Desperate, desperate for him, for his attention. I am desperate.

He ran his hand through his black locks. The same one I've ran my hands through.

"If you can here expecting some out of this world confession I'm sorry because there isn't one." He started. "It's your birthday I texted you happy birthday. That's all."

"Bullshit." I called him out and he laughed.

"What did you expect Alora? A confession of my undying love for you?" He said and threw his hands up.

He made it look like that's not even possible and its ridiculous but to me its not.

Maybe that's exactly what I expected.

I opened my mouth but all the words I knew died in the back of my brain. I closed it and look away.

"Of coursed you did." I heard him say and I lifted my head. "Only you would think that after I told her countless time that I'm incapable of loving."

I felt a sharp pain in my chest. It was piercing and it almost felt physical.

"Bullshit." I called him out again. "Everyone is capable of love."

"You don't understand do you. I'm incapable of loving any girl that isn't Eve. I only love and live for her. No one else." He emphasised on every word.

I felt like the ground I was shaking and splitting into two.

Again Evernly is blocking and taking everything from me.

"That isn't true." My voice wobbled and a lump was growing in my throat.

"I can't give you what you want Alora. I've always told you that. Believe it or not. That's what it is." He stated and turned around turning his back on me. "And believe me when I say you don't love me."

He doesn't know. I love him. I've always have. I just didn't realise it back then.

I stood up and went to him. I grabbed his forearm and turned him around.

"Don't turn your back on me." A tear sled out of my eye. "And what do you know about my feelings."

"Trust me I know." He said and looked down.

"You know I love you. I've said it even when drunk. I know I do." I told him as more tears escaped.

"No you don't Alora. You love your good for nothing fucking red head not me. It was never me remember." He raised his voice a bit.

I shook my head viciously.

"No it's not. It was never him. What I felt for him is nothing compared to what I feel for you. It was never him. It's always been you. From the start its always has been." I yelled.

"That's not true. It has never been true. Those time I told you you said It, I lied. You never told me that. I just wanted you to believe you did. Call me sadistic and maybe I am." He yelled back.

I felt like someone just knocked the air out of my lung. I suddenly couldn't breath.

I took a step back and looked at him. I've gone so long thinking I've said it. Why would he lie to me.

More tears escaped my eyes. Why am I so naive? I always trust him and believe him when he has proven time and time again that he's not to be trusted.

I looked in his eyes for some truth. When our eyes met he looked away ashamed and that was the confirmation I needed.

"What?" I whispered and took more steps back.

He didn't approach me. He watched me as I backed away from him. He didn't stop me.

"I'm sorry." That's all he offered. No explanation, nothing.

"Why?" I then asked him. "Help me understand."

I just needed to know the why. Maybe then I could understand. Maybe there's a perfect explanation.

The back on my legs hit the sofa and I let myself go and sat down. I felt weak.

"I wish I could give you some explanation that would make you feel better but I have none." He adimitted in shame.

He wouldn't even look at me. He hurt me and he wouldn't look at me.

"Why Sage? Tell me." I shouted angirly at him. "Be a fucking man and look at me."

Slowly he lifted his head to meat my gaze. He held it this time.

"You want me to tell you that I didn't want you going to him. That I want you all to myself. I'm selfish, sue me." He preached looking me in the eyes.

His explanation only fueled my anger more.

"Why do you want that if you can't even love me?" I asked angry.

"Because he doesn't deserve you. No one does." He yelled at me like I was some idiot.

Maybe I am for trusting him.

"And what do you know about what I deserve Sage. I deserve what I choose." I yelled at him even more frustrated. "And by your standards who deserves me?"

I felt even ridiculous asking this question to him with tears running down my cheeks.

"Me. I deserve you. Not that fucking Axel, not anyone but me." He declared.

I stared at him and I sobbed. Everything he says doesn't make sense.

I don't deserve someone who can't love me yet I condemned into love one. I'm a idiot.

He says he derseves me yet he can't love me.

Sage was at my side in inhuman speed. He sat beside me on the sofa and gathered me in his arms.

That made me cry even more. I sobbed in his chest and released everything I've been holding back for months.

"It hurts Sage." I told him. "You're hurting me."

"I know Smurf. I know." He said and hushed me softly. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to."

"Why though? Why do you hurt me this much?" I asked him and myself.

"I'm sorry Smurf." He brushed my hair and my back. "Shhh. I'm sorry."

"It hurts to be with you and it hurts to think of you." I confessed. "When I closed my eyes I'll be searching for you and think if all the hurt you've caused but when I wake I'd still want you. I wait for you, you know. I sit by my window and look in the streets and think someday you'd come for me."

"I'm sorry." He repeated those words he'd been saying for the past few minutes.

I wish he'd say something else. Something meaningful than his sorrys.

"Do you ever think of me?" I asked him.

"Yeah I do." He admitted and I was shocked for a moment.

I didn't think he'd answer.

"Does it hurt when you do like it does to me?" I asked again hoping he'd answer.

"Yeah it does. It hurts a lot." Again he surprised me when he did.

I weirdly felt satisfied that it hurts him too. Hearing about his hurt was also my comfort.

Everything suddenly hurt a little less and I didn't feel the need to cry anymore.

I stayed in Sage's chest a little longer because who know how long it would be until I get the chance again.

When I was calm and alright I pulled away from him and wiped the remaining tears on my cheeks.

"You okay?" Sage asked genuinely concerned.

I gave him a small smile.

"I'm okay." But okay isn't fine right?

I've been okay for a long time now but I'm never fine.

But after all okay it better than nothing right.

"I would chose you, you know?" I pointed out.

The atmosphere was cool again.

"And why won't you?" He asked.

There was so many reason why I won't. One of them being he never give me the opportunity to.

"Because your love or affection is dressed in distraction. I never know if I should love you or myself." And that was the main reason why I can't choose him.

I can't love myself if I love him and I can't love him if I love myself.

He pulled his lips into a thin line and didn't say anything.