The Carrero Contract - Selling Your Soul (Mafia Romance) novel Chapter 165

“Why do you think I react so badly when you hurt me? Why I run when I think you might do something to make me want to leave you? I’m scared because you can hurt me in ways no one has ever had the ability to do. And you don’t even need to touch me to do it. I act like an idiot because of how I feel about you!”

He just stands stock still and stares at me as though I have two heads, or he didn’t quite hear me correctly. Both of us feet apart, motionless and he just continues to lock those eyes on me for what seems like the longest time. Penetrating my skull as that clever brain ticks and turns over whatever he is thinking about. A return to deadpan, calm and still. Temper evaporating away to nothing. He reverts inside his own head and simmers to a deathly silence in the quietness of the room.

“Do you?” It’s soft, unsure, and I can almost taste the apprehension and fear in those two little words. The same fear from the night he first told me he loved me.

The way my heart constricted and crumbled, and I couldn’t breathe with the terror of what those words could do to me. Only in this case, it’s the lack of them that is killing him. He wants them so badly. My little lost boy coming out and showing face. The deepest part of him that truly needs acceptance.

It’s now or never; I have to take a leap or just let him leave. Tears pouring down my face in place of scowls and hatred, I realise I need to stop hiding or I will lose him. He wants to protect me and leaving me is his plan if I don’t admit that I do.

“Why would I be here if I didn’t? Why would I have come back? Why would I have stayed? You never gave any sane woman a reason to try again, so I was either completely stupid to let you drag me back … or …” I shiver as I say it to him, knowing I’m exposing all of me by admitting this. Giving him back a power he once held and knowing he can wound my heart all over again if he wanted to. It’s a leap of faith and hope.

My heart is telling me he won’t abuse my trust this time. My need to stop him leaving is battling all the red alerts and ‘don’t do it’ right out of me. Maybe in order to trust him, I need to have a little faith in myself to just let go and stop dangling over the precipice.

“Say it. I need you to say it if it’s what you feel. You came back because …” Alexi’s voice is softer than mine now, eyes devouring me and there is so much within them; longing, a need to be loved that I know only too well. It’s mirrored in me every time I look at my reflection. Lonely little children who just want to be the centre of someone else’s world.

Two broken souls who have yearned to truly belong to someone in some real way. Something unconditional, while knowing the worst of you and not letting it stop them, anyway. Seeing your flaws and shrugging them away as unimportant. Seeing your worth. Something we have both wanted and needed our whole lives. Something we can give to each other now.

I hesitate, fear choking me so much I close my eyes and a tear rolls down my cheek. Trembling because it’s a choice I have to make—honesty, and the walls come down. I have no more defences against him, and from here on in we try to do this and mean it. Or lie and keep my safety net intact and he walks away from me, leaves me financially stable but completely alone.

A life without him in it. That’s not a life I want. Even if this way is terrifying me to the core.

“Be honest. Have faith in me and give me the chance to prove to you I can give you the world. Treat you like you deserve and never give you a reason to run, ever again.”

His words dig into my heart, through my soul and hurt me on so many levels. Wrenching the deepest parts of me open, and I can’t keep a grip on the locks of my internal doors anymore. Moving closer to me, all signs of anger dissipating as he focuses softer eyes on mine and hems me in with his sheer size. Breaking me down because I’m hopeless for him.

“I love you. I never stopped.” I say it as a ghost of a whisper, closing my eyes tight to block him out, so petrified of saying the words again but needing so badly to do so, they just slip out. Trying to forget the pain of the first time I trusted him with this part of me. Exposing my weakness for him and knowing he has the power to make me put a gun to my own head.

I know he heard me.

The sudden invasion of his warmth right in front of me, his body moving in close as his fingers trace the tears on my cheek; I blink my eyes open to find him standing so near his nose almost touches mine.

His eyes are glazed with real emotion, the frown is gone, and he just looks incredibly young and unsure so suddenly. A hint of joy but so clouded with uncertainty. His other hand comes to mine and he interlaces our fingers before pulling my palm to his chest and flattening it over his thudding heart. Pulling me closer so we share air. My body instantly electrified from his proximity and I’m overwhelmed with tingles and butterflies.

“Do you mean that?” He sounds different. Vulnerable, soft and low. Nothing like the man he can be, and I know he is as scared as me at this moment. It’s odd to feel it reverberating from him as I never imagined anything in the world could phase Mr cool and indestructible. I can feel it though, his fear pulsating in time with mine.

I nod, unable to say it again or tear my eyes from those endlessly pale doors to another dimension. The guardians of my soul. Alexi’s face completely changes, and I get to see for the first time what a happy Alexi looks like when he isn’t guarding himself. He smiles; full-on Hollywood, dimples and all and those eyes sparkle with it, changing his whole demeanour and expression to an infectious high.

He looks devastating like this and I know it’s not even close to Mafia King at all. This is my Alexi, no one else gets to see him this way.

‘I love you, London. More than you will ever know. I have never felt the way I feel about you with anyone’

It’s all he utters before leaning in and kissing me softly on the lips, my heart bursting like a firework at his touch, sinking against him greedily, my body moulding to his and pulling all the necessary warmth, longing and joy back from him into my cold limbs, taking what I need from him.

A kiss to wipe away the last twenty-four hours. To feel his strong body against me and his mouth on mine. He knows how to make me feel safe, he always did, and I need it now more than ever. When I feel at my most vulnerable with him, he needs to help me overcome that with his own skills at making me secure. Just as he is doing now, wiping all the tears and misery away with the gentlest of touches, feeding my craving for his intimacy and touch.

I lift my fingers and trace his jawline gently, scratchy stubble on soft tips, deliciously perfect. Needing this more than air as he pulls away.

I pull my fingers out of his hand, move back to put space between us and step back properly. My mindset on what I need to do to take that last step in being his and proving to him that he is what I want, and I’m willing to take a leap of faith to keep him. That trust maybe isn’t complete, but I want to keep going down that path to fully believing in him. He didn’t turn on me after everything that happened today. He didn’t even explode at me for it, and I know that for him that’s a massive change to how he was before.

Alexi watches me, confused by the sudden movement but he doesn’t follow or say anything. Sensing I have something to say or that I need space and just remains still and steadfast in staring at me. Eyes still twinkling and his whole manner seems lighter and brighter.

My insides combust in a fit of nervous energy and I take a steadying breath to try to dull the tension that consumes me. I slide shaking hands up my robe and push it off my shoulders, so it slips down and pools at my feet on the floor, leaving me standing before him completely naked. Body shivering with the residue of my bath and the damp robe, but I know I won’t be cold for long.

I glance up shyly, despite always being confident in my own skin with everyone else in the world. Hesitant, trembling and then push down all my nerves and find that inner queen I know is there. Lifting my chin defiantly, I lock my eyes on his beautiful ones and squash all the fears inside.

He looks at me in a way that removes all doubt that could ever cross my mind about what he feels. Alexi’s adoration shines through at me with that sexy smile and intense gaze.

“I know you won’t touch me unless I ask you to. I know you won’t physically hurt me because you promised me, and I believe that you meant it. I know you love me. I have felt it and seen it and standing here now I don’t doubt it anymore. If you walk away and leave me, I’ll never survive, Lexi. I love you and I want this to work. I want to be with you.” I swallow hard, aware I’m not as brave as I appear and still fighting myself on taking this step. It’s huge. Symbolic for me and I know once I do this I can’t go backwards. I’m jumping back in with two feet and cementing ‘us’ for all time.

He never breaks his visual hold on my eyes, not even flicking away to check me out while I stare right at him.

I push everything aside and focus only on how much I want him. I need him too.

“I may not completely trust you, but trust exists in here, and I’m willing to let it grow. Don’t give up on me.” I lift a little higher, pausing and looking away to his chest, letting his eyes scan all of me as he stands motionless, listening, watching, taking it in and analysing me with that quick brain. I get nothing from him, even when he slides his gaze down over my naked breasts and curves and comes slowly back up to lock on mine with a heavy look that penetrates my soul. The smile faded away, but he still has a joyous aura surrounding him.

“I will never give up on you. If you want this, then you will never get rid of me again. I swear. I’m in this for the long haul, London.”

Alexi is as beautiful as the first time I ever laid eyes on him, maybe more so. Standing here assured that my life and future lies with this man. All the doubts lift their heavy weight from my shoulders and that inner me unfurls and holds out her shaking hand, nervous but completely certain.

“Good. Now take your clothes off, get over here and make love to me. It’s about time we stopped fucking around and got down to the real business.” I smirk as I say it. Hardly a sweet romantic seduction, but one thing I have learned is that I need to find my backbone with him.

He is a bossy shithead at the best of times, and he will never do full-blown romance. He clearly likes a dominant woman even when he acts like he hates it and needs one to keep him in hand. No feeble girl would put up with his mood swings or his bullshit or have the nerve to face him when in full-blown psycho mode.

No one except me.

I was made to deal with this arrogant arse.

I need to remember that when dealing with him.

Alexi breaks into the most gorgeous unguarded and carefree smile that almost instantly turns me to mush. All doubt and worry melt from that face and those dimples almost end me.

Too sexy to be true.

“As you wish.”

He takes hold of the hem of his shirt and in one sweeping motion pulls it up over his head and free from that luscious body, exposing tanned traceable lines of muscles. Those endless black ink tattoos from knuckles to shoulders and up one side of his neck across deliciously flawless skin. Glorious eye candy and he doesn’t stop there. He kicks off his trainers and bends, swooping down and giving me that delightful view of the tattoos that sweep onto his shoulder blades in an equally sexy manner as he pulls off his socks and straightens to strip. The sweats get tossed aside and so do the butt-hugging boxers until he is stood as naked as I am. No hesitation whatsoever, nothing but a smile.

Alexi is not body shy anyway and try as I might to not directly stare down at his ample package, I have to take a reminder peek. Even not fully erect it’s enough to make my knees tremble. Reminders of what that important piece of his body can do to mine. Admiring him completely.

His hands trail and trace my face and every time he bends to minister another suck to my nipples, he comes back to kiss me tenderly, graze noses and give me a heavily loaded look. Taking his time, working me up to wanting him more than I can bear. Slow and deliberate, pushing me to fever pitch longing as he finds every sensitive inch of me and treats it to kisses or strokes.

“Alexi, you’re killing me already.” I groan, and arch again under his attentive sucks and nibbles, trying to wrap my arms and legs around him to speed it up, but he just restrains me a little, grins wickedly and continues with his slow seduction of my body.

He moves down the bed, to my feet, to my ankles, my inner thighs. Every part of me except the one area I would die to have his tongue inserted into right now, until I’m almost begging him with pelvic thrusts. I’m so wet I can feel it around the inner thighs wherever they touch as I move, and the intense stomach tightening heat and ache is crawling up my body until I’m panting.

I need sex, like yesterday.

He smiles and continues what he’s doing and if I didn’t know better, I would guess he is enjoying the way he has me almost begging for it.

Punishment for all my misdemeanours?

More ravenous kisses to my throat, jaw, cheek, mouth, nose, and even my eyelids as his fingers inch slowly across my abdomen. Making a deliberate point of avoiding the one place that’s pulsating and crying for attention. I’m wriggling crazily, overwhelmed with how much I want him inside me in any way. Even his tongue or fingers will suffice to stop the longing clawing me inside out. It’s no longer desires and heat building, it’s moving to frustration and ‘fuck me now for fuck’s sake’. I’m almost whining childishly, whimpering for attention in one major zone.

My goddamn vagina!

“Are you trying to torture me?” I ask breathlessly as his hands graze my inner thigh a mere millimetre away from my throbbing wetness for the millionth time and I practically thrust myself at it desperately.

“This is how all those months of being around you felt. It’s a specifically agonising kind of pain don’t you think?” He grins, that always present edge of sadistic in the depths and I shake my head at him, exasperated with the arsehole he can be. Suddenly clicking on why he is taking so long. Gawping a little at the sheer nerve of him sometimes.

He is trying to wind me up as some sort of subtle payback; I guess. For my behaviours the last two days and all that happened in the last few hours. Maybe even the last weeks of his pandering and efforts.

Alexi is a prick sometimes.

He can’t help himself. The need to overpower and punish is strong within him but if this is the extent of what he will do to me, if this is the worst, then I can live with that. Sexually teasing me and driving me to horrendously horny heights is fine as long as he follows through. Judging by the very hard boner sticking in my thigh I’m sure it’s inevitable that he will.

I know he likes sex as much as I do and well, he’s also winding himself up to crazy levels too.

Always a wanker amidst the nice. God help me.

Romantic confessions and tender moments pushed aside so he can still administer some form of control, but I’m not even mad. It’s him. It’s what I should expect if I’m to live a life by his side. This is the choice I made in accepting all of him. The way he will undoubtedly have to accept my crazy green side who ups and fires half the staff on a whim because he has pissed me off. Seems like a fair trade to me.

All my fears and doubts that he would still hold that grudge and use it to find heinous ways to hurt me and teach me a lesson, crumble to dust. The realisation that those days are gone, and he will never do anything like that again. He won’t cross that line and hurt what we have. He won’t risk losing me.

This is about as bad as he will get.

“Take me now or piss off and leave me to do it myself. You are breaching the no punishment rule and I have a mind to tell you to F off, you wanker. I have a vibrator that has a tried and tested level of satisfaction if you’re going to be a tosser.” I raise a haughty brow and smirk with intent, implying I mean it. He has me almost turning inside out with the need to be fucked and I don’t care if it’s soft and romantic and gentle. I’m practically humping his leg and will go find myself a stand-in BOB if he doesn’t do something about it. I’m sure the maid has one somewhere seeing as she doesn’t seem like she would have a lover at her age. God, I will even go retrieve a cucumber at this rate.

Who knows though? These Carrero types all seem to be horn dogs from what I have heard around the club.

“Testy. I like it when you get mad.” He looks smugly happy. Satisfied with his own level of complete tosserism.

Yep, sadist is still in there and aching to be let out to play.