The Carrero Effect - Falling for the Boss (Billionaire CEO) novel Chapter 191

I stare at the folded paper in my hand, with shaking fingers, the envelope discarded, now lying on the bed with his neat scroll on the front. I take an eternity to run my fingers across the neat lettering, pain shooting through me from every angle. I inhale deeply steadying my nerves, unfolding the thick cream paper, biting my lip. I drag courage from somewhere telling myself I should dive in and do it.

Emma,

I’m sorry, bambino, so extremely sorry. I don’t even know what writing to you is going to achieve, but I had to do something. I saw them packing up every piece of you and I had to stop myself from tearing it out of their hands and holding onto it all. I can’t bear it. I feel like everything they remove is a slash across my heart.

I know I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’ll do anything to have it, anything to get you back. I made a stupid mistake, I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I wanted to lash out at everyone.

I’ll never hurt you again, I swear, just give me a chance to

fight for you. I’ll never give you reason to doubt me again.

I hurt the one person I love and need more than anything in the world.

I won’t ever make that mistake again, being here without you is a torture, so unbearable I can’t breathe. I can’t get you out of my head or the way you looked at me when I told you what I’d done. It was like a knife being thrust deep into my chest and turned and I know what I’ve done. You don’t need to punish me, baby, nothing is as bad as this and no punishment could come close to the pain I’m in right now without you. I’ve never felt regret like this before and never intend to earn it again.

Please. Talk to me. I just want to see you, look at you, and have you near.

I’m slowly going insane without you, baby. I need you. I love you and I can’t, won’t lose you. I’ll fix this.

Just give me a chance.

Jake x

Tears roll down my cheeks dripping onto the paper and I watch in agony as some of the ink from his signed name bleeds across the surface. I watch in dismay as his name becomes a blur of stained grey and throw the letter on the bed as though it’s burned me.

It hurts more than I thought it would, reading something he wrote for me, connecting to him in some small way. It hurts because I miss him, so damn much and I’m literally dying of pain. Everything he wrote makes me ache and want to see him more. I’m so confused; in turmoil about what to do. His words have cut me to the core with longing and anger, so much love from one man. Yet he’s capable of cutting out my heart in one selfish childish act. I want him right here with me, but my mind wants to punish him by staying away.

I pull my phone out of the bedside drawer and switch it back on. I turned it off days ago, after his third text, unable to cope anymore, hoping to find relief in the silence. I needed a break to be alone and process things. It bursts back into life and I try to steady the inner wave of tears and fear waiting to drown me. I need to do this if I have any desire to move forward in any way. I need to see what he wants to say and decide where I go from there. Sarah is right. I can’t dwell on hoping that I’ll wake up fine tomorrow and forget all about it. The only way to sort this is to face it head on and start taking steps to either fix us or forget him.

When my phone is fully caught up, I flick to my texts from him, opening the oldest one unread in the row on display.

I love you and I miss you xx I’m sorry, baby. J

I bite my lip and quell the new onslaught of tears, moving to the next text quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid fast, trying to avoid the overemotional response to each one.

I wish you would just say something, anything. Even if it’s to just yell at me and tell me you hate me. Silence is torture. Xxx J

My hand’s tremble as I trace the words on my screen. My heart aching for him like a pathetic idiot. My fingers hover on the kisses longingly for a moment before I shake myself out of it. I notice under the third message is one more; a new one received when my phone was off, updating now.

Tell me what to do. What you need from me. Talk to me. Please. Xxx J

Another punch in the gut and another tear to my collection, I sigh, biting back the tremble on my bottom lip and push the next one open.

I can’t do this; I’m going to end up banging down your door just to see you. Please, Emma. Reply or something. I got every bunch of flowers, every piece of jewelry, and every gift sent back to me. Emails ignored; texts ignored. You’re not giving me any choice but to show up and fight for you, baby. I love you too damn much to let this go and I’m going crazy with this silence, we had so much, too much, to just let it end this way. Xxx J

My breath catches in my throat at the last one, a mix of heartbreak and something else, a tingle of something I can’t even pinpoint. I should be angry with the way he’s text me but strangely I’m not. He should be groveling at my feet for my forgiveness.

This is the Jake I need to see. The one who ignores all and comes pounding after me regardless. The Jake who came after me to Chicago despite me saying no. The Jake who always pursues me because he can’t help being the dominant one.